The Unsexy but Liberating Truth That Will Set You Free, and Show You How to Be Happy


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Just watch it.

I think my favorite part is about finding the “it” of life by being fuly immersed in the how.

No, you can’t hack life.
But life isn’t meant to be hacked.

It really is about the journey- it’s the journey that gives us meaning and purpose, win, lose or draw.

It’s the really low moments that give us the greatest meaning and fill us with purpose and power.

It’s not about failing, or succeding, but about putting the last drop of blood into something, which is terrifying and exciting.

Meaning isn’t something we find, it’s something we create.

I’ve bene looking for something external, or for some gigantic life change, to make me happy and to make all the puzzl pieces fall together. I’ve been trying to hack my life. In my case, a good example of this is weight loss- I almost feel like it “doesn’t count” that I’ve lose ten pounds in three months. But it does.
And quite possibly one of my greatest triumphs is speaking French- I am in love with the process- not only do I speak incredible French, but I enjoy it like few other things. I have learned to fail, and learn from it without shame.

A long time ago I ran cross country. I was never any good at it, I mainly did it to stay in shape. But boy, was it good for me. Probably the only thing in my life at that time where I wasn’t thinking I should be the best, and one of the biggest personal triumphs I’ve ever had.

It’s not just the jubliance of the prize, it’s the inner joy of the journey, the trimph of everyday living and little by little day by day courag that gives life meaning. Finding incredible peace and joy in the now as we become our best selves and make the world around us better.

Namaste dudes!

The Luxurious Courage of Saying “Yes” to Happiness, Here and Now


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I have spent most of my young life fighting for things to be other than they are. You can even say that without some sort of cause to champion or goal to fight for, I have felt as if I might not even be worth existing. I have harshly judged people who seem unhappy but don’t do anything to change their lot, and perhaps even more harshly those who are in situations or in levels of discomfort that I would find unsatisfying and overly compromising because they prefer the peace.
Recently a close friend got engaged, and I felt like she was settling both in her mate and in her job.
But then I realized, maybe some people are more easily pleased.

ANd I told her all about my plans to totally transform my life because though it wasn’t entirely insupportable, I just didn’t feel that spark waking up int he morning.

But for the moment, I am where I am.

And I”ve realized to a large extent, that spark isn’t there because it’s not inside me. I literlaly can’t relax and enjoy where I am, which I’ve worked really hard for. And o by the way, there’s a lot of bullshit along the way I am dealing with at the moment, and I’m adjusting to a new city, country, and culture, as well as transitioning to working life from being a student. Maybe I am not such a slacker- sometimes it feels like I am not stretched to the breaking point, but the days that I have been ready to take the next airplane and feel ridiculous sadness all the time seem to belie that. Luckily, I am really feeling btter adjusted, not just to where I am at the moment, but also to life.

Because Life often has other plans, and God has a great sense of humor. And a much better plan for us than any we could have dreamed ourselves.

These past few weeks, but yesterday especially, I have been completely re-enchanted with Paris. And my job, and even the whole messy business of business itself, haven’t seemed quite so bad and even like an opportunity for growth.

Sometimes growth is painful, but it doesn’t always have to be. Most of the pain we feel is in trying to flee what is necessary, and trying to ignore or shake off or in any other way invalidating our feelings. But once felt, they do rovide wnderful information!
And following one’s heart and one’s feelings are not always the same thing. The first will take you to a place of real happiness, the other to constant dissatisfaction. O rnot, who knows. But there’s a reason we have our heads too.

And maybe some small or not so small part of me was afraid to like it here, felt like maybe I was betraying something bigger than myself, my family, my friends, mycountry, and even the plan I had for my life and who I thought I was “supposed” to be with-
but I’ve found that maybe that’s not how life goes.
Making plans isn’t stupid, but trying to force life to go according to plan is soo painful, and rarely advantageous. It seems futile, the human condition, but we need to dream and follow our dreams so that the next step of the path can be shown to us. And we can still make ourselves totally empty and at one- Not my will, God, but your’s be done”

Everything just seems to be in a much better presective and I am finidng the happiess witin, which is makig everythign else seem better.

That being said, I’ve wondered if I “should” go back to the US or some other normal plcae, since it seems that happiness is within.

And then I go home, Pairs by night, and my heart aches with the beauty of it.
And the incredible friends I’ve made, and the adventures I have had in this voyage that wasn’t part of the paln I originally had for my life.

So i’m learning to appreciate things, and that getting what you want doesn’t make us happy- gratitude and appreciation do :)

Big secret I’m letting you in on there.

And honestly, I think I have the courage to just love this place, dive-in to it, for real this time, head first, giving up my prejudgements as I hit the water.

And o, how the water is refreshing.

The more I am here, the more I find to appreciaite. Things can be unneaessarily complicaed, but taht’s just part of the journey and I don’t think it’s a sign that I”m on the wrong path. If anything, it’s just forcing meto conquer some of my worst fears: paperwork and paperwork.

And so ipray ofr an open heart to give and receive love, but even more than that, that everyone in this world can share my good fashion, in the clime that is best for them, and will have the courage to both go forward and to stay, when the time is right.
I have no idea what life will take me, or what will come along the way witho it.

What I do now is, life usually meets you more than halfway if you put in the least effort. Afer that, Fate tends to step in and though the worki s harder, sme serious but seemingly silly questions are all good in the hood.

really tired but thanks for listneing.

Love you all (and me too- don’t forget to love yourself for me :P

Good luck figuring out when and how to stay and go, and most importantly, where to listen (your gut, which is a mixture of the head and the heart).
Love you all Vive la France!

Some Buddhist Inspired Truths that will piss you off, then set you free


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The truth will piss you off…then set you free. Gloria Steinem.

1 We will all die.
2 Our bodies age
3 Pain is unavoidable- but Suffering is optional. You can’t choose whether or not to feel pain over the course of your life, but you can choose whether to obsss over, tell stressful stories about it, or refuse to accept the pain. It just is.
4 We are alone. We are born alone and we die alone. Loneliness is fundamental to the human condition, much as we are all connected to something greater.
5 No “thing” outside yourself can make you happy. NOTHING. Not a spouse, not a new job, nothing will make you happiness unless-
6 Happiness is a mental state that is a choice.
7 You are right where you need to be. You don’t have to like it or love it, but you have to accept it if you want to have peace. Your choices have led you to this moment, which will give you everything you need.
8 Freedom is something we all have regardless of circumstances. You may face ridiculous constraints or even be enslaved, but you still have power over your mental condition.
9 Kindness to oneself isn’t optional- it is necessary in order to be truly loving and kind to others and you deserve your own love as much as any other being.
10 You are happy to the extent you care for beings beside yourself.
11 This too shall pass- everything is impermanent
12 The universe, and ourselves, are fundamentally good. Basic goodness is a fact, a deep truth.

How to be happy and find true freedom?

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
― Gautama Buddha

1 Stop telling stressful stories. The stories you tell are probably causing more pain than the actual event itself, and who knows if what you are telling yourself is accurate?
2 Honor your pain- give yourself compassion, don’t run from it. Whether its into a box of chocolate, the arms of a stranger, or the boob tube, running away will not make the pain go away. Ever. You are bigger than your pain.
3 Listen to your emotions and your inner promptings. I really can’t stress this enough- we all know what we truly desire but for whatever reason choose to pursue other goals. Don’t do this and expect to be happy or satisfied. Just don’t do it- do what you really want instead, to the extent it doesn’t harm others.
4 You will never be truly happy until you genuinely love and accept yourself. You will never be able to accept the love of other people unless you believe you deserve it yourself. No matter how good your life circumstances might seem to be, you will never be happy until you are comfortable in your own skin.
“I don’t know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘Well, if I’d known better I’d have done better,’ that’s all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, ‘I’m sorry,’ and then you say to yourself, ‘I’m sorry.’ If we all hold on to the mistake, we can’t see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can’t see what we’re capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one’s own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that’s rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don’t have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”
― Maya Angelou
5 Recognize that NOW is the one and only time that really exists- Be happy NOW! The present moment is our refuge.
6 “Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you’re happy for a reason, you’re in trouble because that reason can be taken away.” Deepak Chopra
7. Watch this video, it just might change your life:

And read these too:

Some other thoughts of mine on being human:
Disappointment is inevitable when we try new things and hope to find our niche. That doesn’t mean we can put off putting ourselves out there. Finding one’s place in the sun is important- and having the sense of inner joy inner happiness will be a truer guide than just trying to escape that vague sens of ennui.
Listen to your intuition as well as your logic, and listen to your emotions, and you can find make the path a lot easier. There’s nothing worse than the grinding feeling of trying to be something you are not and do something that, however grand or brave or innocent, is just not in line with your life purpose.
Don’t fear making a mistake- fear not showing up for your own life.
Don’t waste your life- dare to be your highest best self, the person you always wanted to be. Give up on the rest.
Let go. Whatever came into your mind when I said that is the thing you need to let go of.
“You only lose what you cling to.” Buddha

For the record, I am a Christian. But Buddhists have a lot to teach about the realities of life on earth, where we find ourselves now. God’s will is not always clear to us and we live often in fear and uncertainty and change- buddhists have created many tools to get some of the BS out of the human experience and help us to make the most of our time here on earth. And don’t forget-

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.”
― Thomas Merton

A little prayer for the road-
“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
― Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude

Happy travels! bon voyage et bon courage!

Claiming my Curls, Loving myself on a down day, and realizing I’m not drinking the kool aid (diet coke) any more


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In the past year I gained about forty pounds all told. I am losing it, bit by bit, in a gradual and gentle fashion- haven’t made any structured plan.
It has killed m to not be as perfect as I feel like I should be or could be, to waste the potential of my mid twnties being less than optimally fit, to have let myslf go and let myself down. Because that’s what I did. But on the other hand, it just goes to show that I was suffering so much that I was unable to manage my weight in a reasonable range for the first time in my adult life, I was trying to fit into an even more painful version of the person I thought I should b.
I gave up diet coke as I tried to reclaim my health, and while I originally went cold-turkey, I recently have started havin ga little here and there, especially o stressful days.
I bought a liter about a week ago when I ordered pizza, and it is sitting almost untouched in my fridge. I guess I have finally cleansed myself from the marketin gand the false comfort of familiar self-deception and misery. I guess that’s a pretty dramatic way to look at Coke Zero.

It jus takes like poison to me. I prefer my sparkling mineral water with lemon, thank you very much. Thank you France very much! And living here, I am getting back the healthy habits I had bfore, much as I am painfully conscious of being overweight in a way I probably wouldn’t be in the US. Tried on two pairs of shorts today in what was supposed to be my size and they were too small. OUCH!

As mentioned before, I’ve been using a dating app which has if nothing lse given me something to do and has givn me more insight into men. Plus I’ve had some really fun times. One guy I met up with was exceedingly polite, and happened to mention after all that he preferred straight hair but when I explained one of my picures was on a day it was just cut and blown out, he didn’t have any problem with it. And honestly I wasn’t looking for the love of my life.

The comment did kind of hur me, because I love my wild crazy curly hair that I just wash and wear, it is natural and it is me, I think it shows my secretly crazy essence even though on the outside I usually play by the rules. Although I guess that’s beginning to change- and I think that’s a big part of the reason I wanted to get tattoos, no matter how subtle and ladylike as tattoos go.

And I feel like he probably couldn’t have handled that mssy part of myself I love, so much so that it is slowly bringing order, and light, to my life, inside and outside.
Maybe I was wrong- but my experience is that people tell you who you are right away if you listen to them.
I’m not your baby doll or your sex toy, not just that graceful poisd young woman on your arm who you know will just go with the program.
Not anymore.

I don’ think this is feminism, this is humanism. This example of male privilege could be sseen elsewhere as female privilege. I know that as I’ve talked to guys on the dating app, I may have been callous at times though I like to thnk I”m mostly fair.

And I know that someone will love me through all this- me.

I have great friends and a wonderful family, but if I can’t love myself, I can’t accept their love.

And no Prince Charming can come along unless I start kissing myself and stop the futile kissing of guys that make me feel like a frog.

On the eve of Bastille Day, in the capital of France, in the 25th year of my life, this is my declaration of independence.

Not everyone wants to live this way, but I CHOOSE to, because my soul HAS To, I must, just be…

My mom prefers my hair straight and thinks it looks more professional that way. Maybe she’s right, although it’s not that she’s put me down about the curls and I know she envies them, but it still kind of hurts.

A guy I was planning to meet, when I explained that I usually wear my hair curly, happened to mention that he prefers it straight but it still looks nice curly.

I didn’t ask for anything like that (the other guy I did ask if there was anything I could do for him or something of the sort).

And I just thought- well, if he’s already telling me how he likes my hair, wait till he sees my body. Or my tattoos. Or my virulently opinionated facebook.

Will this be like my high school boyfriend, who once told me I embarassed him in front of his friends in my bathing suit?

Now, I am to a certain extent about owning your curves and being happy with the body that you have. But I am also realistic in that its healthier to be within a certain range and I prefer my body to be smaller than its current state- I look and feel better and some things are easier for me. Crossfit, whcih has made me love my body more than anything else I have ever done, has also made it painfully obvious to me that carrying more than a few extra pounds is really not doing yourself any favors.

So what does this all have to do with Diet Coke? Well, I recently decided that I wanted to get off the hamster wheel and all of looking for other people’s approval and “climbing the ladder” to make “it” and earn some mysterious prize since I often have no concept of self-worth outside of my achievements (and staying at a reasonable weight was one of my most important ones!) I feel like all that garbage, and my need for a socially, dietetically approved fake source of external happiness that actually causes cancer, is more than a metaphor.

I know my body is healthy when I feel healthy in all aspects of my life. And I’m going to be working on that holistically, to make some real changes in the way I relate to the world.

I’m not ungrateful or regretful of the fact I got good grades and excelled in high school which enabled me to get a scholarship to an amazing school, which taught me more than I ever realized at the time. I’m not regretful of going to business school, or starting my corporate job.

I am regretful of all the time I wasted worrying about how others would perceive me, feeling that I had no worth outside my resume, my appearance, how I “fulfilled my potential”

I am increibly sorry for not listening to my feelings and the still small voice within, which throughout helped me find other paths.
And the truth is there has to be a balance- one has to live in the world after all.

But without being defined, or sullied, by it.

All I want is my integrity, and to b loved as I am.

Female privilege? Fat-acceptance? I think not.
Not if someone I’ve never met thinks he can tell me how he likes my hair best. Maybe he didn’t realize which was its natural state. And he has a right to an aesthetic opinion- but—
I want someone who loves my curly hair, and my crazy facebook feed, and my stories and my wity sense of humor and can handle me whn I am high strugn and I talk too much.

Oversensitive? Drm

Why do people love?


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When there’s so much risk involved, so much messiness, so much certaity of disappointment and frustration and sacrifice- so much everyday pettiness and minuti
why love when there is a stranger somewhere who will take you to their arms and their beds without question?
when love ties you down as part o the bargain of learning to fly?
when dealing with other people just sucks?

people love because to love and be loved, there is no better feelign int he world.
that’s what it’s all about, the whole goal of all human affairs. to love and be loved.

The hardest thing to let go if is not transitory happiness, but long suffering in the misguided fight against reality.


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I gave away my love for you,
This cool July night.
Because my heart is bleeding,
And you haven’t come yet.

It wasn’t your fault.
You didn’t have to love me, though I know you did.
Not because it was my fault for not seducing you into action.
Just because we were parted
And you wouldn’t fix our re-severed hearts.
You wouldn’t ignore everything,
To have my precious pricelss love.

So I give my love away
Not because a more noble night on a whiter mount came to save me,
Not because you stopped being my hero for even a second.

I gave away my love for you,
My most beloved folly, the pearl I dived the oean for,
I cast it bak into the sea, to the night, to the heavens.
That it might rain down and water the earth,
That my tears will nourish the fishes,
Insead of burning salt in my veins,
Terrible fire in my heart.

I gave away my love for you,
Not so my wounded, bleeding heart could be healed
With the adjunction of anothers’-
I gave away my love so I could be free.

Living My Life: Who to Be, What to Give, and My WHY?


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SO the past two weeks I’ve basically been confined to my apartment due to spraining my left ankle. It’s given m a lot of time to think, to chat with random dudes on Tinder, and sometimes more than chat, and even clean my room. Thankfully, I haven’t had to do any work.
I’ve also learned a lot about how lucky I am- that my injury wasn’t wors, that my frind T was willing and able to go get me groceries and medicine since I couldn’t go down the stairs, and that there is so much wonderful stuff to do in Paris, much as it has not been accessible to me. I am also grateful for the safety of my employment, the cheapness of French medical care, the amazing kindness of strangers, especially nurses, and all that my body can do. Truly, I love my body more than ever, and that means I”m going to take good care of it. Instead of trying to emotionally eat my way out of despair, pain brought me clarity, and I was proud of the way I handle the situation. In the emergency room with no one to come pick me up, I was happy that I not only had the means to help myself financially and pay for a taxi, but also was a strong enough person to deal with the experience . And pardon my French, but it is fucking fantastic.

The other thing I’ve realized, especially needing to get shots to avoid blood clots due to my lack of mobility, is that I don’t want to waste my life. I am grateful for every step of my path, but it is time to start being simply me. Time to give up the illusions of stability, climbing the ladder, trying to fit in, clinging to being a “good girl” in any sense beyond genuine goodness, and just be myself and do what I want with my life. Because as much as its nice to have money and I definitely want to keep receiving it, most important is that I make the most of the greatest gift I’ll ever be given, life, and serve myself and others in the highest way possible by living my life with great inner joy. ANd that means being true to my values, and enjoying my life, and taking the road less travelled in my case. No more trying to fit in, be it in France, in America, or finding a stable career path and sticking to it.

My real work is elswhere.

The primary activities I want to do are teach, learn, and write. I want to write popular non fiction books that are thought provoking, essays, and have a professional blog. Providentially, I’ve ben offered the opportunity to write a regular column on my friend’s professioanl page. So happy to have her guidance and support, meeting her was a breakthrough in my life- ironically came through the MBA program which I have so often thought was a waste of time.

ANd in my current job, much as I don’t feel it is a good fit- I have the opportunity to be in Paris, to learn to work in a culture and organization unlike anything I have ever known, and to develop a genuine appreciation for distance. I have a lot of work to do when I get back!

The other thing that’s more clear to me than ever is that I can’t discount the power and beauty of my feminine side! I love the pleasures of the body, being spontaneous and flexible, creative, and nurturing. I love children! I have always undervalued myself as a woman and my power to receive, attract, and organically grow and develop. I’ve always tried to plot it out in black and white, know xactly what I wanted, and strive.

I’ve also realized that my WHY? is about pople, and larning, and growth, opening both minds and hearts. I want to be a teacher again, even if I”m not sure in what form. If nothing else my Facebook page is an educational experience! I remember being in school and loving the posters with quotes on the walls and towards the end of college, all I wanted was to be a professor but it just seemed not to fit. I still asily envision myself giving lectures on youtube, or in a lecture hall, or facilitating a seminar on the grass.
I’m sure it’s just a matter of time!

And I’m deinitely part of hte new generation and new economy. Will definitely be making positive change and money online sooner or later.

As much as there’s a lot to think about, these days I’m content to let the magic happen and go with the flow. I know that everything I need will be provided to me at exactly the right time.
Because that’s how life is, much as it might happen in the manner we least expect it. God is good.

The biggest revelation of all though is the beauty of the present moment, and the fact that the Kingdom of Heaven is within us, right now. Happiness isn’t sometimes in the future, when I have accomplished X, Y, and Z.

Also of note is that it’s ok to depend on people, and that I want to surround myself with people I can depend on. I have some wonderful friends in my life and I do hope, much as Tinder has been fun, to find a lovely significant other and let time do its work. Really enjoying my life right now in any case, and I finally realize THERE’s NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I’ve also decided to just see where life takes me. Maybe we’ll stay in France- I am more integrated than I realize- and there’s definitely a lot ot learn here. Not to mention, it’s beautiful, much as I love the US I might have to say France is the most beautiful country on earth. And it’s true they know a thing or two about how to live. We’ll just have to see where life takes me.

The time is now to stop making plans, be content with who you are, and just be. And simultaneously, keep moving forward, keep growing, not achieving but becoming everything you want to be.

I am a writer, I am a teacher, I am a thinker, I am a journalist, I am nurturing, kind, good, and extremely powerful in both mind and heart. I am a force for good in the world, and I live my life with great joy – always growing and changing, but constant in my awareness of the goodness of life.

On Joy: What I Really Want to do, these days, is LIVE, LOVE, and WRITE


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So there’s been a bit of silence from me despite having lots and lots to do. I needed the time to reflect and go on Facebook and have adventures.
It would be really cool to be like Alexis de Tocqueville or a NYT editorial columnist (or wall stret journal) or Liz Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love.
ANd in order to do this, I have to have a full life to write about- that means some quiet reflection as well as whatver the life of action I might choose to lead. Because I am PASSIONATE about sharing my experiences.
I wanted to be a professor because I wanted to share big ideas and teach and have credentials and be an expert.
But you don’t need a phd to do that, and having a phd is not exatly about that when it comes down tot he nitty gritty.
I wanted to do management if for no other reason to support myself and get to put some of that big picture thinking into action. I’ve learned a lot.
These days libraries don’t tempt me so much- it’s the call of the open skies and the lives I haven’t lived yet.
My angst over my quarter life crisis and obsession with my self has led me to want to help others in the same position- and there are a lot.
And there’s just some part of me that’s a crazy exhibiionist, not loud but the life of a corner of the party,
I’ve always felt like, when I had a sympathetic ear, I talked too much.

Maybe that’s alright- I have a lot to say, and I make some good stories.
Not always on purpose though.

And I’ll say this- that if I could do any kind of meaningful work, on any given day, it would have something to do with sharing and writing and thinking. It may not always be in written form.

Recently I’ve noticed something wonderful in myself, the ability to look at someone and see them for all they could be, and to believe so strongly in them that they are forced to at least confront the reality of all the good that is in them. That’s a gift of mine.

And I can see the man in the child and the child in the man.

I’ve learned a lot about the power of being a woman- someone came to make me dinner when I was unable to leave the house do to a sprained ankle, and it was wonderful

And yes, I’ve been on facebook a lot, facebook is part of my calling. Who else wouild share random news stories and inspirational stickers???

And I believe in myself, that even my “day job” is part of my dreams, and that living my truth, my calling, is not just a matter of what I do for a living. I don’t have to rearrange my life, I do have to follow my heart.

Any crap about designing your life is just bullshit. You design your life around your heart, not just some abstract concept of what the “good life,” should be, cuz that’s just an empty concept like anything else. We need meaning even more than we need the trip to the beach, though the trip to the beach can be the meaning ;)
Just feeling incredibly grateful for all that is.

It’s time to really write.

Also I”m going to have o work on coming up with a good pseudonym. I think it will be a French name. Big surprise.

And maybe I won’t leave France- maybe this is my adventure- don’t know. It’s up to fate.
But i”m here now, and I’m going to make the best of it.

On Calling: All You Have to Do Is Be


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For my whole life, I’ve wanted to find my calling. This has taken the form of wanting to figure out my career path, plan my life, and especially to plan my romantic and emotional life, which is just something you can’t do.

And I’ve always wanted to “KNOW” what I was “MEANT” to do with my life.
And who I was supposed ot be wiith, and what’s more, to be someone else:
and it was like trying to hit a constantly moving goal.
My happiness was built on shifting sands of thinking I HAD TO BE PERFECT
AND beleivn gin my own dramatic stories of what perfeciton was

instead of listening to the voice of God–
In the still of the moment.

I don’t need to become an artist, teacher, firefighter, saint, or hero-
I just have to be mysef, to become myself with every moment.

That this, right here, leaning into whatever I am feeling, doing, being, NOW
This, RIGHT HERE, is the good fight.

There is no where to go, there is nothing to be done.

I am EXACTLY where I need to be.
All I need to do is just BE the child of God that I already am, always have been, and always will be.

Peace, joy, and freedom to you.

Freedom: What it really means to let go


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” O Siddhartha, truly you are a worthy seeker.
What could I say to you that would be of value, except that perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

So, I’m at the point in my life where I sometimes feel like I have run out of dreams- at least big, hairy dreams that take a lot of commitment and aren’t just like getting married and making a baby. That one can wait, I think. And like everything else, it’s not really my control.

SO I don’t have a plan or a big overarching goal.

So I don’t see myself in five years or twenty years or even one year. All I know is, onward and upward, and I don’t want to stay here indefinitely.

But maybe faith is not scouring the internet taking personality tests and flipping coins to see which direction to go in and getting yourself so worked up trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist.
THe problem is actually just life- the rise and fall of the tides of the river in perpetual onward motion- effortless.

I will make it to the other shore, the water will find its way back ot the ocean.

And what happens in the meantime is just fun.

something not to be quivered at, or sneered at, or to cause you to bust into tears. Not something to cause you to run forever without stopping, or latch on to the closest thing and hold on tight refusing to be dragged.

life is really just admitting I don’t know.
And when I do know, to say, yes or know as appropriate.

I’m not a woman in search of a dream, or as Eat Pray Love lady called herself, a woman in search of her word, I’m just a fellow traveler, a pilgrim on this earth.

Even if sometimes, I am feeling a desire for greater stability, even if stability is an illusion.
Maybe not stability, but commitment and connectedness, though thankfully I am developing here some real ties that will stay with me anywhere I will go.

But to let go, even of the need to have a goal, to do anything beyond this moment.
To plan, strive, connive, “achieve.”
Because yes, delayed gratification is a great thing, but only if you are fully living in the moment.

And also letting go means to admit that I don’t really want to stop being young, I want to alway sbe this full of potential, of love, so open.

“When someone seeks,” said Siddhartha, “then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha


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