Tending the Flame

Tags

creativity, inspiration, life, mystery, philosophy, prometheus, unknown

We all have our Promethean moments, when we share the warmth of human kindness and illumination of the spirit with another.  These moments are precious, whether rare or common.

But most of the time, we are simply tending the flame.  We are keepers of the flame, of that something that can’t be seen or smelled, felt or heard.  It tastes like victory though, just a faint trace of something you can’t define, but it reminds you of summer.

These are the things that don’t have a reason, that are eternal though they stay with us for only a moment or a season, this is the flame that changes each moment but doesn’t really die.  Because we keep feeding it- our hearts, our souls, treasure, talents, and most of all, time.

This is the all-consuming God whose face remains a mystery.  He brings the light of the sun but is ever present in the dark of night, in the shadow.

Why do we sing, dance, play, love? Why do we make art, why do we fall to our knees to pray, why do we feel so exquisitely for another human being that it brings us to something grand, something more profound than the mammalian fellow-creature concern that is o so important but certainly not inclusive of every higher impulse?

But it is not a self-destructive passion. It can be yet more painful, because it is creative.

Everyday brings its labor pains, no moment from the next is certain. We don’t know what we are bringing into this world, and bit by bit it comes, though we don’t know why. And never, never how.

That’s it. That’s the point of life as far as we really know– just putting your whole heart, your love, everything into something special for reasons even you don’t understand. That is our taste of the sublime.

And unlike everything else on earth, it is enough.

Love,

MJ

 

I’m on my way, I don’t know where I’m going

Tags

experience, growing up, journey, life, roads, staying young, travel

As the famous song goes.

And I’m afraid, so afraid because while I do have something of a destination in mind, I don’t know what I’m going to do there.

And I’m afraid because I came into my MBA program with one set of goals and motivations and I’m coming through with a whole different paradigm.

I’m not the same person I was, nto at all. That, or many of my illusions about myself and the world have been shattered.

i also find that I am not really going to live a life like my parents, or necessarily do the things the way I dreamed when I was a little girl. Maybe I won’t get married in the church my parents did, or in a church at all. I won’t be a county court lawyer, but something else entirely, and hopefully on the other side of the ocean.

The world is a small place, but is also sooo biiiiig.  And it changes you.

I can’t go back to where I used to be, as Princess Jasmine said.

I feel a lot of conflict because what I actually am, and what I planned on, are so different.

I also am just really struggling to have some self confidence right now. I’m not entirely sure why- I guess it has a lot ot do with my internal/external transformation, but I think it has to do with aging a little too. Or maturing as you will. Maybe even growing up, but I sure hope not too much, not yet, I dont know.

i don’t like to do the things that I used to do, or rather, maybe i didn’t love them before but now I just have no use for drinking a bottle of champgne and going out to raise hell most of the time.

My friends from college might as wlel live in outer space.

Most surprising I guess is that I haven’t really seriously really looked at a man in like, seven months since i met my dude in Paris. Sure, life’s been pretty busy and I haven’t had time, but it’s been a whiel since I’ve even seen him, and while that might all play into the fact it’s easy to pine for those too far away to be everyday and annoying, I would rather have a long lasting kind fo thing these days.

Not to mention said guy, while having his moments of Prince Charmingness, and just kind of feeling like my boyfriend, is just soo far from like, everything i would have expected besides being a computer nerdy guy like any other, who likes to watch wrestling and drink beer. Yeah, I really ahd to go to Paris for that.

i guess the shocking thing is that I like this guy, and i didn’t find myself an art historian or writer or lefty intellectual to argue with. And that maybe I didn’t dislike my not dissimilar high school boyfriend that much.

Or maybe I’ll completely change my  mind about everything, go join the Peace Corps or Army or something, and never be heard from again. O rmaybe I’ll go work for some internatonal corporation yet not have my soul sucked out.

Who knows.

Not to mention, I like, have friends that are engaged and married and parents. Weird. it might actually happen to me someday. Even more surprising, I have friends with real jobs, or who have had real, forty hour (actually more like 60), benefits, long term, career building jobs. And I think one day, the things I like so much now won’t be as important, and I can even feel it coming as I think about how much I want to be there for my kids and want to be in a relationship, and someday get married. Maybe someday, I’ll be a grownup. I hope not though, I want to stay young at heart

I found something on Paulo Coelho’s website, written by Thomas Merton, a Catholic monk, that really resonated:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

 

Namaste,

MJ

 

Arguing with Ghosts

Tags

depression, inspiration, life, moving on, scars

Sometimes I think the unhealthy dynamics in the relationship between myself and others are based on things that didn’t go well on the past that I just never got over.

For the guy that told me I dwarfed him, I beef up now and wonder if my new guy will still like me.

For the girl that needed to get straight As and be the best at everything, I fear to put in my full efforts, and call that accepting mediocrity. Nothing I do will be good enough, so sometimes I fear too much to try.

Because I feel like someone gave me too much long ago, I make myself the giver and have trouble accepting things now.

Because I’m still trying to live up to various ideals of perfection- from the age of 13 to 20 to 22 and beyond- I can’t quite see what I want my future to be now.

I haven’t followed through, haven’t stayed the course with things I tried in the past, and now I despair to dream new dreams thinking nothing will bring satisfaction or I just won’t be able to stick with it.

There’s a lot of arguments with ghosts in my head, with people and places and situations that are no longer there. There are wounds that healed over but never really healed, there are places that are still so tender to the touch, there are scars I’d rather not see but I feel like they’re tatooed on my face.

And it’s hard to feel this depressed. I thought I was just lazy, and then I remained that I didn’t always feel like this.

I am getting professional help, and people in my life know I’ve been a little down. I’m hoping the cloud lifts soon, and I’ll finally forgive myself.

Namaste,

MJ

The Cure for Ambition

Tags

ambition, career, genuine feelings, hope, human progress, inspiration, life, ozymandias, salary level

Well, now that I’ve just admitted how secretly unhappy I feel much of the time, I guess the time comes to examine a solution. And the solution is all about extending myself compassion.

I finally noticed the futility of the desire to be an Ozymandias, whose statue stands forgotten among the desolation of a lost civilization, appearing not romantic, but a symbol of futility, the vanity of the human progress.

I also realized that all the pressures I feel to excel have always come from within- from a deep insecurity that nothing can seem to abate, and that require more and more pounds of flesh just to be satisfied. before it was a certain degree, then it will be  a certain salary level or paygrade, taking years off my life in both the pursuit and in the worry I won’t get there, and the inevitable depression when I fail to hit some sky high superhuman (or just not me) target.

I think the solution lies in doing things for no real purpose. Or rather, doing them because I think they are useful, and therefore am honoring myself and its genuine feelings.

La vie n’a pas besoin d’une but, elle est une but elle-meme.

So long ago I heard those words: Life doesn’t need purpose, it is a purpose in itself.

The cure for ambition is not to let myself fail, just as for an anorexic, the cure is not to become obese. Just letting things get beyond “perfect” or “acceptable” is not enough to make me feel “enough” no matter what. If you are miserable when you don’t get what you want, that won’t exactly cure you of wanting.

But is there some way you can strive and retain your soul’s grace? Is there a way to live without fear, to win without worrying about losing? Is there a way to be motivated beyond the fear that I’ll just never be good enough, and that without X, Y, or Z, my life will be incomplete.

Sad to say, but one of my dearest wishes is being turned into one of these winner take all, loser fall into a black depression. And the fact I don’t really believe in myself is a huge hindrance. So I just have to find some kind of sweet spot.

I think the cure for ambition lies within. There is no thing I can do to ease it, there’s no magic words that will make it feel better, and no one else can really make me feel like eough.

Nope, I have to do that all by myself, without the help of trophies or grades or titles.

The dark side of Ambition has poisoned so many of my favorite pursuits and really been a hindrance, not a help, in leading a full life.

I hope that someday soon, I’ll wake up and know that I’m enough. I hope that I’ll go through my whole day, and make a game of trying at the things I kind of have to do, and enjoy the things that I want to do. I hope I will pursue my dreams without fear, and love without needing someone else to fill me with confidence.

 

Yes, that would be happiness indeed.

Love,

MJ

 

 

What I Really Want

Tags

depression, inspiration, life, love, pampering

I just want to be happy.

Now, I have a good sense of what kind of external conditions might be helpful, and there’s one particular place I would like to be.

But I will never get to happy if I don’t give up some of my worst bad habits. I’m not talking about eating too much and being disorganized, I’m talking about the really nasty ones:

Self-loathing

Thinking I’ll never be good enough

Despair that I have no control over what happens to me

Never being satisfied with my efforts

Hating myself for wanting what I want

Wishing I was a different person

Seeing only my <blackheads, flub, etc> and hating myself for being human, and imperfect

Never being productive enough

Comparing myself ceaselessly to other people

Judging everything I do harshly

 

Now, I don’t want to go on some kind of pity party, and excuse everything that is not as I would like it in my life on the basis of low self esteem.  A lot of time, these feelings ironically aren’t a part of my inner dialogue- sometimes I get over it after all. But more often than not, they are fears humming in the background, giving me a headache that never quite goes away and making me launche myself into all kinds of \unhealthy distractions that only affirm my negative thoughts.

While some decisions I make on what to do with myself may make me happier or sadder, the way I treat myself is what’s going to make the real difference. Wherever you go there you are. Even if someday I have tha great job, it won’t be good enough. I’l lhave an awesome boyfriend, but never really believe he loves me or worry that  I “settled” if he does. I’ll have many tlaents, but lament the one thing I don’t’ do well. I’ll have an awesome family and great friends, and pine after the one person who’s just not part of my life anymore. I’ll have seen every country in the world, but hate myself for not staying at home like I was suposed. I’ll stay at home, and then hate myself for not doing what I really wanted to do.

It’s a harder knox life than it needs to be, and while I’m going through a tough time, 98% of the suffering is in my own mind, and how many calming walks I take, or even if I take the whole day off, get myself a massage and a nice meal and even some bubble tea, the anxiety doesn’t go away.

Because they’re right, I am too hard on myself.

I’m afraid to sto being too hard on myself because without that, how am I supposed to achieve?  I still have some things to do and have to make some effort on my own behalf.

How am I supposed to be special if I don’t try so hard?

What if I like myself and I gain a hundred pounds and drop out of school?!? What then?

What if being happy means that I’ll have to give up some of the standards that don’t come from within and have ot give up the veneer of being accomplished for the vulnerabilty of being my true self?

What if being happy means I won’t live up to my full “potential”?

Well, I need to need to need to get this under control, or rather, let a few things be out of my control, but give compassion to myself (as well as everyone I meet). Maybe that’s the main discipline I need right now, and that will make everything I want to do that much easier, because I won’t have to beat myself up during every minute of before doing and after, and I can finally just trust enjoy and be true to myself.

Namaste,

MJ

Calculating My True Worth

Tags

accounting, business school, career, depression, failing, fulfillment, life, meaning, philosophy, reflections, success

I just got done taking my accounting final online. I failed both parts of it miserably. I just got my curve adjusted grade (beauty of an online forum where the teacher doesn’t have to do anything) and it is in the high D range. There’s a lot of Cs in the class, and low Bs, but not too many in that category. There’s still a chance to improve in one category.

I guess it should also be said that the professor has been pretty horrible, including calling people dumb who come to him for help (which I haven’t), and basically doing nothing but assigning automated homework, quizzes, and tests and providing a little, not so helpful commentary on the case study we were assignment.

My classmates, for the most part, do not find themselves in the situation that I do. They have risen above these circumstances, employed their time and energy effectively, and at least passed.

In terms of effort, if you count the effort my tortured soul has to exert to get through the day sometimes (not unlike others), I’ve put in a fair amount. I’ve been a bit blocked though, and had a lot of other things competing for my time and attention. Not to mention some deep existential questions, trying to figure out the next stage of my life, and questioning my decision to come to business school.

Well, I’ve created this situation, however intentionally or unintentionally. I take full responsibility for my actions.  I will try to resolve the situation however I can, and I need to keep my scholarship to continue with the program.

But wow, I’m shocked at how calm I feel, and how much I genuinely don’t care. My self concept isn’t that rattled- I didn’t have plans to become an accountant- and I know that whatever happens, I’ll figure it out.  I hope I won’t have to leave business school, but even if I have to, I’ll be fine.

Thank you, education professional for whom I have little respect. Thank you, existential depression amidst the busiest schedule I’ve had since my high school overachiever days. And thank you, Steve Jobs and all you real business icons who make doing well in school just not seem so cool.

Thank you life, for showing me who I am.

For better or for worse? for richer or poorer?

No, just the way I am. And trying to be the person that I’ve been created, and called, to be. Whoever that is, figuring it out as I go along.

And knowing that is more than enough. That in my own way, I am wonderful, if not in accounting. And believing that God works in mysterious ways, and I probably should have tried harder in accounting. And that if this is what stops me from being an MBA, I don’t know if it was right for me anyhow. And if failing this exam happens to be the worst mistake of my life and I regret its long term and devastating impacts on my career forever, I will get through it, and love my self anyway, and go on to do something that is somehow better.  For the moment, it would probably be good to stay on the educational track I’m on though.

Dear Lord, help me.

A blessing in disguise: Failing in accounting helped me realize my true worth.

Love,

MJ

 

To My Paris

Tags

love, metaphysics, poems, poery

Your fair Helen awaits

I have chosen you of all the Parises in this world

I’m coming, my love!

 

I lived in the netherworld

Not really existing

But storms exist for stormy souls

A crack of light

Fire in the clouds

Heavy hands of rain

Drenched, soaked

I came into this world, alive.

 

Of all the streets in all the cities

In all the moments

In every class of wine.

no, it didn’t have to be you-

But did it?

 

I choose you, today, tonight, and in the morning

That day when my soul was split

Looking into your eyes,

I saw myself within.

Somewhere in that moment

When a universe came into being

Out of nothing

A choice beyond the boundaries of what was

Writing that scribbled past the page.

Something there that wasn’t there before.

 

I don’t know who this is

Who is going to Paris

Is she a goddess, or a mortal

How did she get here?

It’s a story so old i don’t remember,

An everyday detail I can’t recall.

 

What shall I do when I get there?

Well, God only knows–

Isn’t that why I’m going?

 

There are many Parises,

But you, o you dear are the one I choose.

I gave up all my possibilities,

But you gave me life.

 

 

 

 

Remembering the Bad Ass I Was Born to Be

Tags

life, love, peace, romance

I don’t know if you could say I was born to be a bad ass. In fact, I can be a little reserved, and often strive to be a good, obedient, nice person.

And then I remembered I’m the M…J…

The one and only. When in doubt, take the more hazardous route.

Not always subtle, mistress of communication, bold.

Risk-taking. Mystery-seeking. Fun loving, if you can believe that.

Adventurous.

Lover, poet, humanitarian.

And I did the most vulnerable thing a person desirous of being in a relationship can do.

I called the (potential?) object of my affections out on not calling me back.

Sure, I’m far away, but I’ve made plenty of efforts to stay in touch, and damn, am I worth it.

Plus it’s just the right thing to do.

It was in a nice hello email, but fairly clear quand meme.

So we’ll see.

O, and did I mention I signed it love.

Love as in close friends, lovers, intimact, caring, affection, nay, passion?

Do I <love> him?

Depends on what the meaning of is is.

But yeah, I really care.

Am I a little bit passive aggressive for throwing that in there, a little cowardly even since it’s not his native tongue, or just plain bold.

Devil may care (because God is with me)

insouciant

innocnt, sweet, but not spineless.

and now he’ll know the real me, Megan.

 

A few days ago I talked to someone I once thought was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

I realized he was a selfish, vain, immature, but ultimately nice enough guy.

But not enough for me, not anymore.

We are friends. I learned a lot from him before he squandered my grand illusions from a distance affections.

On verra! I go to Paris one way or the other!

And I will judge him! And it will be good or bad or just plain indifference.

Because you know what, he is not the reason for my war or the object of my crusade, I am.

The face that has launched a thousand ships in my soul does not belong to him (tho let it be so that he’s along for the ride!)

No, I’m looking for a much more elusive bounty-

self, fulfillment, happiness.

Maybe I’m not even looking for anything.

Maybe I won’t find anything.

Maybe it’s all about having a good time,

and

The moment of revelation, when you wake up frim being drunk and know a litle too much about your waking life

And then.

Quite rarer,

The clear moment when you decide what to do about it.

And you’re off!

 

Paris, your fair Helen is coming!

 

Namaste,

MJ

Faith and Trust, Vocations and Careers

Tags

business school, careers, choices, deterimination, grit, identity crisis, inspiration, life, meaning of life, twenty something

It’s amazing how hard it is to do things that are really actually very simple when you don’t want to do them, or don’t know WHY you are doing them, but *should*/need/MUST do them anyway.

It’s procrastination, sure, but with some kind of self-preservation in mind. Maybe even that of the higher Self.

But here I am, not changing my life circumstances, and trying not to lose my personal integrity, though I think I’m in need of a bit of an attitude adjustment, and maybe a little more sunshine though I tried to spend a lot of yesterday outside.

I never used to feel this dread, of doing the petty necessaries. I mean, sure I’m no angel and I’ve always procrastinated, but I’ve never been so riven with self-doubt, just split open and skewered on my own evolving worldview, and morals that have, like icebergs awaiting the titanic, made it harder to get through the sea of rationalizing my life away. Those cold seas. How I long for warmer days, and some dry land, when the beach was a fun and restful place and everything was friendlier, if idler.

Whether I’ve been a total curmudgeon up to this point in my life, and all of what I valued was as so much dross, it is of value to hold up to one’s commitments, and to just soldier on and get that MBA. It’s true, I did that because I couldn’t thik of anything better to do, and at this point, I still mre or less agree with the sentiment.

But I do want something better to do.

I think all of this picking a career, quarter life crisis crap is really just wanting a sense of vocation for our lives. A calling. A real, true desire, if not from “on high” then at least from our deepest, purest depths if such a thing as a self can be said to exist. And yes, I do believe in God, as more than just a big Santa in the sky, and i do think that somehow that good old moral law within me has something to say. Even if it doesn’t always make sense, or mazimize utility.

Oh la.

And I do, secretly, think there’s something better on the other side. I don’t think it will be a total waste at all to have come to business school, and I don’t think that all the people I’ve met and experiences I’ve had as a direct result of it were not for some kind of reason, and I’ve learned a lot- including the fact that I secretly don’t like “business” as I currently understand it, and the people that do seem to have something very different in mind. Not sure who’s right, I’m sure there’s some philosophical or linguistic term for all that confusion about defintions.

But fulfillment and reason are not likely to go all that hand in hand. And many people will find the callings of the hard not so easy to understand. What up, I made a rhyme.

There’s those people who, when you tell them you think it would be fun to just enroll in a French lit course to stay in France for a year, ask, “why not do economy? It will be more useful,”

facepalm.

I don’t think it’s just about sucking it up and not asking why to get through those day to day grinding sensations, or to believe that someday, where happy little bluebirds fly above the rainbow [then why o why can't I] but I do think it’s ok, sometimes, to just like, be patient maybe. Or believe there’s something to be learned in all fo this, and it’s not a punishment you brought on yourself by getting your MBA and not signing up for the peacecorps. That maybe you are being led to something better, somehow, if only an understanding, however painful, that that vision fo life you’ve been counting on just isn’t going to work anymore.

Maybe you’ll stop bursting into spontaneous tears when you think too much when that grieving process is over.

And maybe it is norml for most people to secretly hate their lives and do nothing about it and be happy on the outside, but maybe you can get past this hurdle and not have to go on living your life like that anyway.

So many people want a vocation, but they don’t want to actually do something thqt is going to be hard and not immediately result in gumdrops falling from the sky and fans falling all over you. Most people don’t want to find their passion- they want to find a lucrative, prestigious, and easy job they won’t have to hate themselves for doing. For most people, the vision of happiness that will never be realized is simply that.

But you and I know, yes, we know, that even if a few tears are shed along the way, what we are called to is so much better than that, that even the tears are sweet.

The salt, the bitter that I’m going through now will soon be over as I stop trying futilely to get blood from a turnip but figure out how to make soup from a stone as the russian folktale would have it.

Not sure what the lesson is, or the big why, or what will make it all make sense-

But I’ve got to trust anyway. Not just to keep going on, or avoid becoming a nihilist (but certainly to avoid that), but because belief in what is unseen is the esence of all those moral and spiritual struggles. THe only way out is through when the thorns are pricking you- find the rose within.

Love,

MJ

 

Unbounded by Rationality

Tags

being, economics, grad school, heart, life, opinion, philosophy, rationality

This is so going to be the theme song of the prochain etape of my life, I pray.

I don’t think things would feel so wrong, when I take the time to feel them, if I really believed I had followed my heart.

So often in life it seems like a war between your heart and your brain, when your brain is more often just an alibi for protecting your ego. And trying to be in control of everything, but in order to not look stupid.

Right now, in some ways, i don’t look that stupid. But I do feel really stupid, on the inside.

I feel like I forgot what I wanted to be when I grew up, because of course, I was in such a hurry to grow up.

And now that I’m growing up, I just don’t want the life I had planned.

Which might even be within my reach, to an extent.

But no, I don’t care as much about things that seemed so important, and there’s a lot more on my list of “let go and let God,” which I think is all to the good.

However, I like many humans, think I’m so smart. In fact, I thought my brain could outsmart my heart, and my heart wouldn’t know the difference bewen iit (the brain) made me do something practical, and expected my heart to just get used to it, and refind it”s happiness. Thing is, this caused my heart to take note of a lot of information that had previously slipped under the radar before. The everyday little twinges just seemed so much more urgent after that big decision, which in the scheme of things isn’t taht much but for me it was a momnet that I’m not such Id be proud to have define me.

So where I am now is trying to let my heart speak to me again, since I know with God’s help I can accomplish anthing I set my mind to. That is to say, I make sure the mind is the servant while the heart and soul of me is the master , the part that’s kind of closest to the diffvine.

But in any case, I don’t just want to be “rational” in terms of society’s reasons all my life. Sometimes I feel like such a hypocite.

Mow what wtill we roll sout soem potatoes crunchy cheap with asparagus was it and then cake?

Who knows? the point is tha sometimes I feel like I coul drule the oworld, and other times I think I’m happy for their to be a good chilef, because I myself anm just well, crazy.

Behiovaral economists talk all about how people’s behavior changes in strategic peices too, right? Anyway, they talk about how people’s logic is constrained, we are baffled by chocies in many cases, and yeah, we have some prety low brow decisionmaking trips built in.

The concept of the bounds to rationality come from everything that steps life from being reasonable.

So how to make a decision? Weigh the pros and cons, yes, but follow your heart. Life is so short. Don’t fill it to the brim with shoulds. And sometimes, just keep on keeping on, when completing the task itself has become more important than the object of what you’re doing anyway, right?

So yes, no worries.

Or rather, worry but only over maning ful things.

Because this time I’m not goingt o put my life on the stock market of the court of puyblic opino, orf trying to be everything they want to be. Of course I’m goign to use my heard and discrition in this, what is teher eto saY?

I’m not going to be bounded by human rationality anymore I hope, and beyond being a monster robot automoton, I’ll become something that actually mkes a difference, creates chanfe, and actually deals withall the emotional mess of life. You’ve come a long way baby.

So life. Hello. I know it’s been a while. But no, it’s not about where I’ve beeb, but where I am, and ultimately where I’m going.

Life is good.

Love,

MJ