I have spent so much time waiting and wondering which label to adopt, or hoping to find one that could fit me.Wishing that someday, I would find the perfect fit and there would be no contradictions or paradoxes in my values or beliefs.
I don’t think this will ever happen, and it is not a bad thing. I think my creativity and what makes life interesting comes from these tensions. Some of them will resolve themselves more and more over time, bringing peace, but only through conscious action, a willingness to make myself into something new. I have tried sometimes to simply make a choice, to ignore one voice in favor of the other, and I end up feeling inauthentic. I am usually not successful either.
The big questions that haunt me are America vs France (or another French speaking country in Europe), which job, to be alone or in a group, etc. I feel so anxious to clarify my goals, but these inner conflicts are really a clash of values in disguise. I recognize that there are always trade-offs to be made in life, and maybe if you wait long enough and you know exactly what you want, you can have it all. Maybe I am just doing something wrong, or have too many emotional needs, or need to follow my heart, etc. The middle path is not always clear, or straight.
Rainer Maria-Rilke has some wisdom on this:
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions, and maybe someday, without even having realized it, you will have lived your way into the answers.”
The truth is that this requires courage and greatness of heart to do. You have to view your life as a creative act when you dare to refuse the dichotomies your own mind, or your petty society, have created. Dare to create something new, not knowing how it will be received, and love the self that you are bearing into the world, first. All else will come, later.