, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

That is, me?

My self-created alias and the html name of this blog is a pretty particular etape (stage) of my life. I made up this name so I could get an AIM screen name about four years ago now and talk to this guy (who I now recognize as an espece de merde), who I no longer speak with. I fell for him because he liked French movies, and we did watch a lot of Audrey Tautou together. At the time I’d never watched one outside of class and the boyfriend that I broke up with was into action, and I wasn’t so self-assertive as to suggest anything else. So in a way, this name from its very inception has always represented a yearning for something more, something pleasing to me.  It’s also my current Twitter handle, if you want to follow me (i think I’m hilarious). And I’m not gonna lie, even this blog kind of came out of a loneliness I’ve felt since getting out of that relationship with the action movie lover, who did talk to me every night and did take pretty good care of me for the most part. The loneliness has only been exacerbated while I was traveling and not really in a position to make too many adult friends, but things are much better being in grad school. And just becoming a more confident person in general, better at listening to my instincts.

I continue to be amazed at how much this blog has done for me personally. By “downloading” and ordering my thoughts, I am more calm and self-assured, by sharing what insights and experience I have, I feel like I am turning my navel gazing into a benefit for the world (self deprecation again), and with your support and readership, I feel not alone and appreciated. Another pivotal change is my degree of clarity in my career path and in what I look for in my relationships. Since I’m more self-aware, following my passion, and sharing what I don’t always find an immediate audience for, my career direction has become a lot more clear and I am more excited than anxious in thinking about what to do next. I also just appreciate the fact that there are other people out there like me and I’m not so strange after all. I do think it has been good to help keep my relationships focused on intimacy and not overwhelming people with ideas, because I am confident of a place to share them anyway. So don’t worry, I will definitely keep writing. I think I’m going to start a more professionally oriented blog quite soon, and try to be the public intellectual I always dreamed of becoming (scary ambition, I know). I’ve always looked up to people who had big ideas that changed the world and provided a paradigm shift, and this blog, just know by giving me a kind place to voice the ambition and own it, is helping me achieve it. Not to mention the fact that it’s helped me find my voice and the place where the real words come from,intrinsically. It is definitely gratifying as well to have a change to really play with language and not worry too much about perfection (obvsiously ;))

Starting to wonder what my next avatar will be, and getting excited about forging my professional path. I am so happy where I am now, and I think that what I really want in life will come in time. I can also “folow my passion” and get my ideas out there as an individual while simultaneously pursuing other avenues. Business school is giving me a vocabulary for the concepts I’ve long guessed at (like complexity theory-swoon) and the insights into group dynamics that help make sense of a broken world. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, but I’m going to have the tools to do it. We truly live in an age of individual empowerment- Ben Franklin had to tend the printing press, all I have to do is press Publish. And I will use my one little voice to influence the world, and not only as fillefrancofun.
I don’t think I’ll be giving up too much by moving on to the next stage. yes, I’m a little less embryonic and plenipotent, but I will be more realized, and now, instead of trying to plan what that will look like, I’m excited to see and I know it will be good. Knowing what the path looks like, and more important, feelslike, is just as important as the result. We put so much pressure on trying to name and follow a specific bliss, but in reality it’s the whole process, which will take on many different tasks and different levels of satisfaction in each of them, but the whole process will put fire in the belly quand meme.It’s good to know what that feels like.

Fillefrancofun came into being because of sorrow and fear- loneliness, anxiety over my direction in life career and personally, not knowing who I was and having some identity confusion, and feeling like I had thoughts which were important but ignored, and that I myself was ignored, which is not a good feeling. I feel like it’s easy to focus on necessity being the mother of invention. But the truth is, I already had so much in myself that makes these fears seem paltry, weighty though they are to a social mammal. Did I mention, being unsure of my significance in the universe and the meaning of life? Shall we add an existentialist flavor to this general “emerging adolescent” angst as well? Well, now I feel better about it, and that was the goal right, as much as things seem to change so incrementally on the outside. I think fillefrancofun represents the inner work and outer exploration I knew I needed to do to be happy, yet also the childlike joy that is at the heart of all real happiness. Pain-motivation has been replaced by play-motivation; it’s all in a name.

So will fillefrancofun retire? Yes, when the time is right. As my twitter handle, I know have an additional big girl identity for professional reasons and I am starting the new politico/economic/social/moral/anthropological/managerial/je ne sais quoi blog. Je ne sais quoi is the ultimate form of value creation anyway, right? but it’s not so objective as that, nor so reproducible as the businesslike term implies. It is charming and aesthetic, as I wish my life to be. Hopefully the je ne sais quoi will only grow in time, and I will strengthen my spirit to deal with any challenges to my essential uniqueness and my deep value.

Shall I wear a different hat next? And when, O when? I feel like fillefrancofun is also a single girl, who wants love but isn’t quite in that season of life. She is a girl who has learned to long for the good things in life, but more of an explorer than anything else, she is the knight on the quest for deeper happiness. And what when certain things are found, both professional and personally? Life goes in cycles, yes?

Fillefrancofun will find her happiness at last. She will laugh at all her woes and foibles of long ago, she will never understood how she was so under confident, she will be a person who laughs in joy and satisfaction, all the time. Fillefrancofun, having lived in both rural France and now Paris,  will have her fill and always a place in my heart. She is my tatoo, instead of the fleur-de-lys I’m always tempted to get on my foot where it will fade (cheesy, right?) Anyway, since I am neither the master nor slave of destiny, I’m just a writer, I will say that fillefrancofun (she prefers the lowercase, for modernity’s sake, and the fact it’s not a proper name- she’s laughing behind her hand again, and the smile reaches her eyes) is an extremely happy camper. She’s got everything she asked for and a little more, and she doesn’t agonize over hard choices anymore. She doesn’t worry about pleasing anyone but herself, and somehow doing that has managed to get her a lively coterie of friends and, I dare say, a most amazing man. Fillefrancofun hasn’t really changed that much, it’s just her attitude, as much as circumstances are a bit sunnier. She will never go away, she is a more endearing and enduring self than even the awkward adolescent anxious high school one. She is neither a teen nor a “grown up,” but now she is a confident, mature woman and a full adult. She’s rescued me time and again from many types of living death, and I will never forget her for it. She is my hero and my best friend, the other half of who I’ve always wanted to be. Fillefrancofun has reconquered her kingdom, and knows how to rule wisely and well and savor the delights of this lovely world as well as her self-sovereignty. In fact, she is not that impressed by such a weighty phrase these days, and states simply that she just knows how to have fun, that’s all.

Amities mes chers,