I am definitely at a cross roads moment, as though not every moment in life was such, and I could definitely stay in France. I heard from a friend in class that if there’s a will, there is most certainly a way to get a good professional job here. In some ways I would almost like to stay in Paris where I’m getting the dual-degree and forego the rest of my program, but I’ve made too close ties to the other Americans and I need to get an American diploma too. Btws, that someone wonderful and I are “laisser le temps faire son oeuvre” which means letting time do it’s work. Lovely not-so-Western perspective, right?
We hope that “fate is kind,” right?
Sometimes I can’t imagine going back to the US. Besides my family and friends, and Washington (which sometimes feels like been there done that, and is marred by the distaste I feel with American politics at the moment) there is nothing there for me, i feel, nothing so quaint and charming as my overpriced studette with its blue door and alimentation just next door. I was sad last summer to leave my internship in Washington, and sad two summers ago to leave someone special behind, probably forever. But I was be devasted to leave Paris- like crying at the airport, maybe even having someone there to see me off- devastated. What a lovely epoch I am living at the moment. Paris is still the center of the French speaking world, in the heart of the Vieux Monde, with historical artistic treasures like nothing America posesses. That doesn’t mean I don’t love America, or agree entirely with France’s social and economic and educational policies, or that I will ever stop being American. Being American is so much more than just living in America or shared culture- being American should be a transcendental experience of shared values with people who strive and dream and give others freedom all over the world. My interpretation of Americanism, like my interpretation of Catholicism, is therefore pretty universal.
So I’m at the point where I realize that all of my foncer all of my striving, needs to be matched with some acceptance and surrender. Life is not just a series of choices- it is an interaction with what lies before us, which is incredible in itself. It is an interaction, and it is not about finding the right destination. It is about following the way, and not knowing where He will lead you. Whether we are talking about God, Jesus, the tao, the bonte de l’univers, etc.
So here I am, waiting. There is a power in waiting, and in idleness lies creativity; but I am not waiting idly, I am treading water, surveying the ocean wide and deep before me, and praying for the strength to swim or wings to fly away from this landless placeless place without orientation or compass. I pray I’ll have both, and be able to answer my call. Now I have the openess to match my force and ambition, and with both I will certainly find my way.