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of doing laundry, homework, church, and waiting to hear from my mec (dude)-when does he count as mine btws?- was eventually giving in and texting him first. We were supposed to see each other today womp womp tear, but it was like 8pm and I still hadn’t heard from him in like, idk 36 hours? So it was time to text him myself.

Given the fact that the dude has been pretty in touch and proactive in contacting me, I was genuinely concerned. I was truly afraid he didn’t like me anymore-not like he hadn’t come to my bday that week or anything (he did)- and I was also afraid of texting him first. Because back in the day, when my 3.5 year relationship commenced and I was 16 years old, I followed Mama’s rules and that relationship turned out pretty okay for the most part. Since then I haven’t been too into following (any) of Mom’s rules about courtship, and I haven’t been too lucky in love since. I have been hella lucky in other things, and maybe it was time to be an independent woman. But that’s another story. Point being, I am a now 24 year old woman, getting my MBA in international business, speaking 2 languages, and generally feeling good about myself, and then this dude comes along. He’s actually nice to me, and pretty nice to be around (not like I’m leaving Paris in 3 months or anything). Here I am not only tied up in knots over whether to break “the rules” but also realizing that yes, i do care about potentially being in a relationship and that little bit of human connection does really matter to me. Maybe this particular human will really matter to me, and that’s a little scary. And I’m just afraid that things will go to shit as they have in the past. [Thanks, guys who can’t just say “I’m not interested in you,” and have to randomly go AWOL instead. I know my scrapes haven’t even been as rough as they come and if I have Daddy issues, it’s that he’s too good of a person for 99.999% of dudes to ever hope to measure up to (not a bad problem).] And I’m a little afraid of being afraid. And I also realize I’m being ridiculous and just need to text him and see what’s up. And that I probably shouldn’t be like, you broke our plans, &*^*&^*^, or anything implying such a thing.

Well, it actually took about 40 minutes, and 3 text messages (the last one being- hey, are you ok?) to get a response. Apparently the dude thought I was going to let him know I had gotten back to Paris from my weekend trip, and he had a cold and headache. Obviously, I just assumed I should continue to play it cool and have the power the way I was supposed to have learned from my mom. There was a good amount of time to contemplate life in there, which is why I feel the need to share right now.

I also feel like this is one of the most relatable experiences ever-at least for the ladies- and my learning curve should be shared.  Yes, I knew I would certainly be okay even if he did decide to drop off the face of the earth for some reason. I reminded myself of all my blessings, particularly going to Bruges this weekend. I wondered if I had said something to piss him off, or if my decision to text him first the day I decided to go to Bruges to give him a heads up had set a bad precedent for the who texts who first game. Which isn’t really a game and shouldn’t be- the dude should text me first. So much for feminism- I enjoy being pursued, and I steadily lose respect for guys who don’t do it right/ self esteem when I do it for them.  Feminism doesn’t have to mean an end to all gender roles by the way. It can mean playing with the mould, breaking it when necessary, and knowing all parties are equal at the end of the day.

If I someday give this dude a link to my blog (not terribly worried about it, he is not quite at the zinger dry humor level of English yet), I may live to regret (or hide) this post. But in the meantime, I wanted to share with you beloved readers.  It was kind of funny (not) and kind of interesting in the sense that all’s well that ends well despite all the mental drama. I knew there was no reason to think that anything was wrong, but I was worried about it anyway. Humans are so funny, but life just doesn’t feel like a laughing matter sometimes. It is beautiful though.

Except when I am supposed to be doing financial accounting and making my life into a nineties sitcom like journal entry…

Anyway, don’t worry, the dude and I will see each other tomorrow. And we had some good text flirting going on. Btws, I would have to say this dude gets full marks for staying in communication and generally showing interest and being a good guy. Don’t know that much about him to be honest, but definitely beats all other dudes I’ve bothered with in my adult life. And as things develop, you shall hear more about him, I’m sure. I will not put him up as a specimen for examination (like I try not to do in my own mind when I am overanalyzing my love life) but I’ll let you know some good deets from time to time.

It’s amazing how I go all zen and hope for the best, but even a small thing like that can be such a trial. It is so hard to let ourselves see the good in life, but so easy to spot and always there. Self awareness helps, self-confidence helps, having good friends helps, but it’s still a battle to feel good in spite of the ups and downs. And this was just a bump in the road, and a minor one at that. I’m trying to write down and capture some of the moments I want to remember, regardless of how things come out, and it will be lovely having this record someday, when I am planning my honeymoon or dandling my new baby or climbing Mt Everest with my hubby (je pense pas…) or old and full of wisdom but hopefully still playful.

Thanks for taking the journey with me. Knowing you are out there listening has really made my life better, and I hope you enjoy sharing some tidbits from mine 🙂