So in many ways not much has changed since last Sunday. I’m still job hunting/networking/hussling so I can come back to Paris gainfully employed after my program ends in September. I haven’t heard from my dude yet today, and there’s been no explicit talk about where we stand really or set plans to see each other again. But I’m much more content with not knowing where the future will bring me, in these two critical areas of love/relationships and career. Nope, I’m just chillin.
The fact is, the week has brought me a ton of hope. Last week, I had not a clue about what I wanted to do nor which industry I wanted to do it in, besides the vague notion of management and being in Paris. Now, I have gotten reassurance from various people in my life and from my b school that help is on its way, I have a lot to offer, and there’s a lot of opportunity for me to bridge my previous experiences with a very niche consulting role. And with the dude, well, let’s just say we’ve been texting quite a lot, and maybe it’s not so bad to have a little pause. I feel pretty well cared for. I’m afraid to jinx it, but hey, gotta keep our heads up and appreciate when things are feeling good. Uncertainty isn’t necessarily easy to deal with, but it’s a hell of a lot better than having grandiose, super specific expectations and just being in denial of the flux that is time/ waiting for something to go wrong. Right now, I’m enjoying the ride.Future’s bright even if I don’t know where the sun will shine on me. But anyway, I’ve got this little light of mine and I’m gonna let it shine.
There is a part of me that wants something solid and stable to rest my head on, a place to hang my hat. But as one of my B school deans said, “Stability is an illusion.” And I’ve turned this seeming weakness in my environment into a source of internal strength, knowing that I can adapt. Though less and less seems solid in my life at times, the people and values that remain are more and more so. Another b-school prof said that most things in life are a function of randomness and luck- I don’t quite hold to that extreme, I don’t think God plays dice with the universe- but it’s clear that we are riding the wave, not responsible for, nor able to control, the ebb and flow of the tides.
The present moment is the only place to find solidity- it’s the eternal now all the philosophers talk about. When we begin to approach life from the perspective of being excited to see what happens next, not just trying to jigger it towards a certain outcome that may or may not be so great for us anyway, things get a lot easier. And by the way, you also get the sensation that you are held in God’s hand, someone is watching over you, and just maybe there’s something wonderful out there our scientific minds can’t replace.
Ok, now I’m going to go back to freaking out about my future, my homework, and waiting by the phone. Amazing how a little housework will make you go all Zen. just kidding
bisous mes cheris,
All I really know is I’m a human,