Freedom, Peace, and Patience

Tags

career, Croatia, freedom, God, life, love, meditations, path, travel, truth

Hello from Croatia! Ićm in Dubrovnik now, mz friend is sick at the moment and Ićm chilling with her. I guess this wonćt be the easiest entrz to read since the kezboard is differenćt and I staz havenćt found the apostrophe but I guess it lends an air of authenticity. We went for four dazs vacation from school and Itćs reallz lovelz. Also took daztrips to Bosnia Heryegovina and Montenegro. Paris feels verz far awaz.

Well letćs get down to talking about whatćs reallz up.  After not talking for like 3 dazs, I decided to talk to the dude (who dropped me off at the airport, which was nice) and he didnćt respond. I texted him again the same thing since he has a dumb phone and he has honestlz missed mz texts in the past. Still no response. Texted him this morning since Ićm home with mz friend, no response but hećs at work so Ićm hoping I hear from him during his lunchbreak. Zeah, so Ićm freaking out a little bit. Hopefullz over nothing. I guess I do care about him, and I like kind of being in a relationship.

And seriouslz, the waz mz life is right now, I canćt promise anzone anzthing. I definitelz want to go back to Paris after graduating, but thatćs like 10 months from now. Feels like it will be a long time. The dude is supposed to meet up with me during his planned trip to the US, still donćt know whether hećs bought the ticket zet. O goodness. The trip was planned well in advance of meeting me.  I do hope we hang out then.

I donćt know if hećs pulling awaz from me, slept with someone else, idk. Things are fairlz up in the air between us.  I like mz freedom but goodness i donćt like being up in the air. Because therećs nobodz to be up in the air with. Even mz best friend most compatible galpal ever will go her own separate waz after the program is done.  Wherever i go after this, Ićm going to have  to start again in a new citz and hopefullz with a good job (even if I go to Paris it wonćt be the same, wonćt have mz grad school peeps with me). As much as I wanted to staz in Paris, the open road still beckoned, and the conditions to staz just werenćt financiallz adequate.

Whz does mz mind go down this path? Besides I met him so easilz, who is to saz I couldnćt bring someone else into mz life who would ultimatelz be better for me. I donćt know. Itćs nice to know where Ićll be in six months, but seriouslz I just want to have enough stabilitz to form qualitz relationships.

Mazbe itćs not the prospect of distance. Mazbe I could be in a serious relationship even with all the travelling. I want someone to travel with, after all. This vozage with mz best friend has showed me how zou can alwazs have someone there zet remain fundamentallz alone and independent. We are practicallz married, so I wonder if thatćs how marriage is.

Sometimes I feel like Ted from How I Met Zour Mother and Ićm afraid Ićm alwazs just trzing to skip ahead to the happz ending. But it is a quest and I hope I can hold out until the right moment. God, I felt like I was selling out or something trzing to staz in Paris but I guess that path just didnćt choose me. And I have no idea what that means for me and the dude. Ićve gotta reallz talk to him I guess. I was afraid he liked the fact I would just leave and we coudl be more than fuck buddies but there was a clear exit. I know hećs still in an exploring phase of his life right now too.

Itćs strange, when I travelled alone all I wanted was a companion, and I alwazs thought of the guz I was in love with at the time or having an awesome friend even. Now Ićve got that, and Ićm muchhappier, I donćt want to lose it, but I realiye I was happz on mz own too. Being with other people does fundamentallz constrain zou, even if zou are super compatible.

Is love when zou know that person is zour path, beyond all the constraints thez yill place upon zou?  Is love when zours and the personćs paths simplz cross for a while, and zou do some of zour journez side bz side, but donćt know if zou will one daz split?  Do zou ever reallz know?

And as far as finding the right job, the right lifećs work, which mazbe are not the same, what does that mean for love? for career? friendship? location? Dear Lord, it feels like all the balls are up in the air and Ićve got nothing to hold on to. Mazbe God is working his magic up there, and I just have to take it daz bz daz.  I still feel like therećs so manz question marks, so unknowns in mz life. No real responsibilitz. In that is real freedom, which I will never have again once I have a husband, children, job, life…

I get whz all the spiritual people forsake those things. Itćs hard to make promises to toher people when zou are totallz devoted to the quest. Zet at the same time, i have to believe that married people can be just as close to God, and fathers and mothers. No matter which waz zou look at it though, when and how zou find God, or rather how he finds zou, is left somewhat up to ĆchanceĆ. Cćest a dire, it is bezond zour conscious decision. Knowing so manz things are out of zour hands, how can zou ever make a promise to anzone, to keep them near zou, to be faithful and true and present? Nobodz reallz knows what God has in store.

So here I am on the long awaited trip with a faithful companion mz best friend, Ićve got a guz I could see mzself doing the same with, and it is all so quotidienne. It is not so magicallz blissful and fulfilling everz second. I am riskilz sort of petit a petit falling in love with someone, and the streets arenćt paved with gold. Ićm sure some of the pain comes from mz own insecuritz and lack of trust, but I guess some of it comes with the territorz of risking something (hopefullz intelligentlz and consciouslz).

It will take a strong person to love me. I am a strong person, I think, for being open to love in this situation. And itćs possible that the time isnćt right, or mazbe Ićm just not the right person for him. But here I am, open, seeing, hoping to find, hoping.  Which means giving up on some of mz fantasies, and making some compromises. I will have to do the same thing in order to find a job I like. Ićll have to take mz best guess and keep working towards love.

Mz real job and mz real love are so much bigger than one person or the right job. Mazbe if I remember that, the seeming paradox that I was reallz ok alone though lonelz and that I am happier now but the thing I wished for finallz realiyed is not the kez to fulfillment.

I actuallz am verz happz right now. That doesnćt mean it is so easilz recogniyable. Ićm happz I took this trip though and realiyed that mz quest is not just logical and anlaztical to finding the right person and right job (and right overall life circumstances) it is definitelz about reading the right book, changing the waz zou see things, letting life happen to zou a little. And I think, remaining open no matter how much zou want to shut down. Not plazing the game, just being openlz in love with life instead of pretending that this, not being mz first choice or mz original plan, doesnćt count. That he doesnćt count, just because I met him so randomlz.  God, I hope hećs strong enough to love me. And I hope I am too.

I hope I donćt need to clip mz wings to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel cared for. I hope I can make love to the skz, and find a copilot and crew…I want a flock to flz with, not a coop to settle for.

Turtledoves are a sign of peace, right? And thez send messages?  Coo coo coo

Five golden rings…(four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree)

Dear Lord, please give me the strength to walk mz path, the serenitz accept it, and help me to love everzone zou place on it, including me.

Peace be with zou,

MJ

 

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What I Really Want and Lessons Learned

Tags

adventure, goals, inspiration, life, philosophy, travel

I really want to teach a class, write things of interest to me, and be engaged in real world projects. I don’t want to be tethered to any geographical locale, or even an academic discipline. I want to be free to roam, and also to be there for my loved ones. I want to be in a happy, loving marriage with wonderful children, but not right now, and probably not for a while. I want autonomy over my work life, and I want what I do to be appreciated by a wide audience. I don’t want to write for specialists, I want to change how the average person thinks about the world while being appreciated by experts as well. Who knows, maybe telling my own story will be the change I hope to see in the world.

I don’t want to depend on writing for a living, and I hope to have rich life experiences that will give me great material. I want to be a thinker, yes, but engaged in life.

Right now I feel like the richest person in the world.

You don’t have to have money to feel safe and secure.

You don’t need to be single to be independent.

You don’t need to be in a couple to know love.

You don’t need to give up adventure to find it.

You don’t need a plan. Period.

You just need to be ready.

You can question your path as many times as you like and still follow through.

You don’t need to be with your family of birth to be loved and accepted.

You don’t have to be of the same culture, language, or creed, to feel an affinity.

You don’t have to compare yourself to others to realize your greatness.

You don’t have to give up adventure to find stability in yourself.

You don’t have to have it all figured out.

You will always be a work in progress, with so much already to be proud of and so much to look forward to.

In other words,

STOP STRESSING OVER FALSE CHOICES

and remember, the story goes on, even if not as you planned (is that such a bad thing after all)

Everything will be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, it’s not the end!

From your fellow soldier in the trenches, or should I say hippie dancing in the valley,

MJ

My Real Life

Tags

career, journey, life, love, optimism, philosophy

Talking to people about life plans for the future and the experiences that have brought me to where I am today (hope that doesn’t sound like a super pretentious statement), I’m struck by the distinction I tend to make between the way things actually turned out and the way I planned. I feel like I do this because I’m pretty happy now and would like to remind myself that this somehow redeems my past sufferings, maybe, and as a message to others to be open. I’m actually really happy with the way things did turn out graduating from college during the Great Recession and unable to find a real job. I’ve had some pretty awesome life experiences instead, though I hope in the future I will be able to continue to do this in a way that’s slightly more financially stable.

The life I’ve lived, no matter how far from what I’ve planned, is the real me. What I wanted for myself is not the way the world has shaped me to become, and really those plans just show how much I’ve evolved but sholdn’t define how I see myself now. I should be humble for the unlikely awesome stuff that’s come my way, but there’s no reason to stress how i wish things were, or how I did wish things were or some such thing. I guess all human beings want to get our first choice all the time and have the sensation of control over your life and destiny, which is certainly true but doesn’t mean that we have conplete control either. There’s definitely complex factors coming into play, especially our secret desires.

Fate is kind

She brings to those who love

The sweet fulfillment of

Their secret longings…

Like a bolt out of the blue

Fate steps in and sees you through.

All Disney songs aside, I definitely think I’ve been learning it’s a Whole New World out there. I’m not te person I expected to be, and haven’t had the life I’ve expected to have.

Not to mention, I’m not likely to really be able to plan my whole future now either. Getting an MBA won’t make me that much of a master of the universe witha poetic side (lol). Certainly I will have choices but that doesn’t know I can predict exactly where they’ll take me. I’m actually pretty okay with that, provided they take me somewhere better than I could have imagined. AS THEY HAVE UP TO NOW! WOOOO

Seriously for the most part I’m a happy camper. The only thing that really bothers me about the life as eternal adventure model is how can you rbing someone into a life that’s not really solid? Especially if both you and the person are like that? Can you folow your dreams even if you are in love?

I do hope that’s true, and something in my gut says yes.

Anyway, this is my real life, my real emerging career, my real almost boyfriend thingy. This is who I am right now, not the person that I thought I wanted to be. And also, not what I project for my future. God, I love the dynamic world we live in, and adventures! I just want those adventures to start producing my masterpiece, although maybe they have been the whole time if not in a tangible way.

So I leave you for tonight, my lovelies. On a prety optimistic note I’d say.

Be who you are, not who you wish you’d been.

Introduce yourself proud of what you’ve actually achieved.

Live for today!!!  Don’t be afraid of tomorrow, however unplanned, either, or the past that no longer defines you. Don’t be sad and afraid and bitter of dreams that haven’t come true- yet- when so many wonderful things have fallen together. Better than you could ever have planned or imagined.

Hello, my name is, and this is my life.

Lve you all!

MJ

Love doesn’t look like I thought it would

Tags

dating, life, love, Paris, relationships, self -reflection, travel

I genuinely thought that once I found somebody I felt a real affinity towards who really liked me back, it would be all peaches and cream, and a little noble sacrifice. I thought that once this charmed relationship materialized, it would give shape and meaning to my life and simultaneously give it a sense of adventure and stability. While I continue to believe these things are true of Love generally, I am pretty sure they are not attached to a particular person. At least not to the person in my life right now. I am most of the time pretty happy with him, but not always. I am ridiculously insecure and even jealous and suspicious of his character at times. Every time he doesn’t respond in five minutes to my text message I wonder if it’s the end, or the beginning of the long drawn out messy one I fear with all my being. I can’t say I’m in love with him, but I could be…maybe by the time I go back to the United States in a month. So there is that complicating factor, which doesn’t help things, or the fact that we didn’t really meet each other in a conventional way. The truth is that I don’t even know which subconscious and conscious fears to listen to and which not sometimes, even though really the dude is pretty cool and I am just getting to know him. He is not, however, Prince Charming every hour of the day. He even annoys me sometimes. What the hell? The white horse is not in sight, and the sunset seems farther off the more we get to actually be in a relationship ish thing.  Note the somewhat complicating circumstances, which really just boil down to the fact I will be gone in a month and we’ve only known each other about 6 weeks. So…. but I’m still here.

Ever since I broke up with my hs boyfriend of 3.5 years, I’ve secretly thought that the next relationship I get int, I kind of hope is The ONEor at least has strong potential to be. This could explain in some ways why I haven’t been in a relationship since, I’m just realizing now as I hit it off with the random guy off the street who I liked but didn’t have me hearing wedding bells the first time we met. But then again, I don’t hear them know, but I still feel like I could hear them someday, maybe.

I’m also acting more like I have in my past dating situations since then. Which means, not exactly playing hard to get like I was kind of trying to in the beginning of our getting to know each other.  Now I feel freakin emotionally exposed, I don’t know how to interpret anything clearly, and I don’t like it. This is so uncomfortable. There are some moments I just want to get a clear indication. I almost wrote that I wanted a clear reason to call it quits, and maybe sometimes secretly I do. I just want to go back to living in my ivory tower and dreaming of a perfect person instead of dealing with a real one. I miss the first couple times we were together and things were clear and I wasn’t very emotionally involved, when I had a little hope and nothing to lose. Now I feel like I’ve got something I don’t want to leave, even though I don’t have a way to stay, not right now anyway. It is not my path *le sigh* but I do hope that it’s possible to keep following your own dreams and really love someone. I hope you don’t need to be stable and have your life planned out in order to welcome someone into it.  Albeit in this case its possible I wouldn’t see the dude for like, 9 months…

I just feel like listening to Taylor Swift and dreaming of a better world sometimes rather than engaging myself in this real situation I have. No wonder I remained detached for so long. But I don’t want to stop fighting the good fight, and giving whatever comes away my most honest, earnest effort, not being afraid to admit what I really want and if my feelings change…

You don’t know if it’s a love story, or if the other person is going to just say yes…

Wow such a ridiculous use of ellipses aka … in this post.

~

So, I don’t know if I’ve found Love, but I do feel like it’s a ton of work once you are in a relationshipeven when you’re with someone you really like. THis is probably a “duh” moment to all you couples out there, but for real, not all of us have had the priviledge of finding that out recently. And who knows, maybe this just isn’t the right guy or right situation, and things will be really different when I do. Somehow I think not quite.

Actually, I think each wink we send (corny, I know), each eternity waiting for a text message, each broken heart is leading us somewhere. To greater self understanding, and greater capacity to give love, certainly, and also to a greater capacity to receive I hope. All in good time- I think this whole process helps teach some patience. Because finding someone to spend your life with might only take a second but it’s the work of a lifetime.  Getting together isn’t even half the battle- having shared expectations of each other, not necessarily putting a label on it, will maybe make things simpler, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. Relationships are hardy *cliche* and *WARNING: SPOILER ALERT* Guys are alllll th saaaaaaaaaaame. Seriously there’s no variation on the large child who enjoys potty jokes and being ridiculous theme. And maybe that’s all to the good, even if it doesn’t conform with all our hopes and desires. What you thought you wanted in a person and what you really need are not the same thing. That being siad, dude friend who watches Ted talks and thinks deep thoughts is talking about soccer with the rest of them.  We are all a product of circumstances, I guess.

So yeah, these are my thoughts today.  It’s definitely been good to have my hat in the ring again- I remembered that being in more or less a relationship doesn’t really solve any problems in your life. It doesn’t make things simpler or easier, any more than your feelings for the person or what you want for your life are simple. No, this is another arduous journey, and it doesn’t automatically get easier just because you have found an objet for your affections hopefully to be adored by as well. Nope nope nope.

This song is still soo soo relevant:

Can’t hurry love

However, jst like Runaway Bride taught us, you have to know how you like your own eggs before you are ready to marry someone. Although how fucking messed up is it that guys like her when she has no sense of self? I guess that’s the issue. At least loneliness and solitude at least help you figure yourself out while waiting for the right person, and help you discern what is and isn’t so good once you meet somebody, but goodness, I guess you can’t expect anybody to be perfect.

The other thing that’s super weird is pretty much every dude I’ve ever liked has basically been made in the same mould. That has nothing to do with looks, nationality, religion, lover style… none of that. Although maybe a bit on the last. Yeah,same dude, different bodies. Definitely some upgrades and variations, but it’s kind of weird.

One thing I’ve noticed too is how much less “romantic passion” or something I feel for someone who is actually, for the most part, present and available in my life. There’s a lot more “romance” my longings after guys who end up not being that great and the way I market them to myself than actually dealing with a real person. Although i really like the real person… Gosh, I can feel my face lighting up when I hear from him or talk about him (finally starting to feel like there’s no harm in taking about and it’s hopefully solid enough to be happy about) and I know that I am happy, even if it’s definitely not the person or the situation I imagined would make me happy.  Well, we shall see, hoping not to jinx it.
I don’t think so though, it’s just a step on the path.

Love you all!  Best of luck!

Gros bisous,

MJ

The moment when you try to show you care…

Tags

dating, love, patience, relationship, waiting

Texted my dude like 5 minutes ago to see if he wants to go see the movie he wanted to see but was sold out the last time we went. Meaning “I understand your needs and wants too, I just ❤ you soo much!” And waiting for a response. Trying not to get defensively mad “What the hell, a whole 10 minute wait for you to respond while you are engaged in gainful employment?!?!” or “OMG, he doesn’t really like me that much, he’s getting freaked out…I should have just played hard to get…”

Helas. Such is life. But now, to comfort myself, I’m trying to think about the journey and not the destination. C’est a dire, love is present in my life now, whether he’s “The One” (Does that really exist….) or not.

[Heavens, maybe he’s just not attached to his phone when he’s at work…]

trying to believe that every step, whether it is awkward or graceful, is leading me little by little to a better incarnation of love. Whether it is with him, or somebody else, or even just for a fun afternoon with myself (I am damn fun, and sometimes I have to go to the movies by myself to prove it).

That said, in full disclosure, there’s a lot to be said for waiting for the right moment, if such a thing exist. Putting the other person first, and your best foot forward, includes not making him uncomfortable, letting things develop. O so slowly!  It’s only been a month though, look at me. Gagagaga over him, secretly. I just want to cuddle goddarnit!  Who the hell am I? No it doesn’t seem to be about deep conversations, shared principles or religion (yet?), going to see the latest cultural attractions. It seems to be about warmth, which does seem to have a little something to do with proximity. Body heat, at least. Maybe not passion, and maybe not genuine emotion. But all those things take time and care.

And maybe also, the right moment.  And we don’t know when that’s going to be.

I feel like when you’re single (I guess I’m kind of counting myself in a couple and hope I’m not jinxing myself there) you think of love as this perfect confection that’s just cotton candy and marzipan and everything in the right place at the right time. In a way, gorgeously predictable, a mimetic masterpiece realizing all your fondest dreams and hopes of romance.

But really, love is a little bit stop and go, sometimes stuck in the traffic of every day life. Sometimes taking a picnic instead of pushing onward onward onward.  Sometimes it just loses its way for a while… and I don’t think that stops when you’ve found a person, the right person or not.  Because humans just aren’t candy coated.

Some are sweeter than others.

Please, honey, text me back!

Reassure me! If you can’t tell I’m really feeling something here and I want you to validate me….In my perfect world this is a phrase that would never need to me said. But my perfect world is pretty solipsistic and doesn’t actually include another human.  And i suppose these phrases show just how vulnerable I am, just how afraid of heartache, no matter what I’ve endured in the past or how independent I try to tell myself I am!

I am, dammit!

But I don’t want to be, forever. Inner strength, yes.  Trying to be an island, no. But maybe I need to reconnect to my secret place, since it’s not fair to this dude to turn to him for validation.

After all, he’s at work now, right?

Ugh!

Of course I need to write down every single one of these thoughts and share them with you. Dissect how silly, and how petty, and how human some of them are. Try to pump up my ego with how clever I am in English, btws.

You feel so far but I’m probably just being oversensitive.

And I’m leaving in a month. I still don’t know how I feel about that, nor, I suspect, do you. I know a part of me wants you to try to spend every waking minute with me, pampering me, promising you’ll be there even after I’ve gone. A part of me doesn’t know yet, for sure, and don’t blame you either.  I just don’t want you to clam up now. Please be brave for me, please live in this moment- whether we are a go or not.

Whether you are the one or not, and this is the beginning and not the end, if this is just the beginning of a new chapter of our love or the hopefully wonderful crescendo of a beautiful season spent together (o please don’t hide on me, o please don’t let this get somehow ugly, cowardly, you just acting like another dude who know’s I’m going to leave) God, I hope it will be a well-lived moment. I hope we will both find the courage to feel, if there is something to feel. I hope it’s not about clinging to the first good thing that’s happened in a long time, the romantic melancholy longing for something that’s just not fated, despite my attempts to stay in Paris (not meant to be), I hope we live this moment well.

And whatever happens, I’ll look back on what I’m writing and smile.

No, mon coeur, whether you are the one or not, that’s not something we can know or plan for. We don’t know if I’m coming back to Paris, or if you’ll be staying there either. There’s so little we know (not to mention all the petty jealous things I think sometimes), and it’s helpful to remember that it’s probably going to be a little messy, a little fearful and anxiety inducing. Maybe it doesn’t have to be though we are only human after all.

Maybe we can just live forward and face the future without fearing it, without wishing for what might have been, without trying to stop the journey prematurely, without holding on too long to the past.

My love, my love, please respond.

Maybe you would think I’m soo silly if you read this, maybe you would think I’m insane, or we just don’t have that much in common because you don’t navel gaze to the same extent. Hell, you are an engineer.

My love, my love.

 

Patience is another word for Love

Tags

dating, God, life, love, time

It just occurred to me that like your life’s purpose (not that it needs to be specifically stated), which may present itself in different forms throughout your life (you can share the same values as a teacher, business person, or engineer, or so I believe), so to does love present itself different.

Love is patient and kind; love is in the smile I give to the baby in the carriage I see on the street, the same smile I’ll give to my own children; love is in the time I am single, waiting patiently for the right person and developing my self, knowing that I can’t have real love with just anyone.

Perhaps most of all, love is in the time we give ourselves to find it, recognize it, cultivate and cherish it. Also preserve it.

Love will wear a certain face and come at a certain time, but this is just one facet of love.  The one is brought to you through the collisions of millions of stars and many twists of fate; your own child is the baby you see on the street before it is the seedling in your womb.

Is the love of a man, the love of a man to have children with, and the love of a child the same? No, of course not- and one is not a means to an end.  Yet somehow, if we are lucky, we find someone who unites all the qualities we want to give to our children yet unborn, and the ones we need for ourselves right now, and can share our dreams for the life yet to come.  All while being here, being full of life and love and hope and warmth, the sheer warmth of intimacy, human kindness, passion, friendship.

I personally often associate love with risk.  This is certainly so and for good reason. To love someone is to stake a huge part of your happiness on them. Though you remain independent to the extent that you can always pick yourself up and live and love again, and hopefully you retain your own interests and self respect, to love is to be vulnerable.  You can’t be autonomous and committed to someone else, you can’t love without the potential for being hurt.  When you build a life with someone, you base a lot off of them.

But haste makes waste. There is a big difference between intelligent, calculated, acceptable risks you take after long reflection, and the risks you take in hope of a quick return. There is growing a company, and playing the stock market.  There is rationalizing your chances for happiness and feeling like, What the hell? Might as well give it a chance, and LOVINg someone, right now, come what may, and planning to love them in the future- maybe even forever.

Can you love someone if you don’t want to posess them? If you aren’t ready to be posessed- but I am, I’m just freaked out at the idea of it-?   Caan you love without knowinf if its going to last…

This I don’t know, but I believe yes.

Love happens in the moment, and no amount of happy memories or grand visions of the future can make love. is love strengthened by those things? Certainly. But as love takes root, slowly takes hold, perhaps it is a little blind. You don’t notice the acorn as it grows into a giant oak, at least on a day by day basis. Maybe you don’t even notice the day that out of all the opportunities for love that have come your way, one has found its way into the right soil.  The day that everything is possible and life is new, so new it is sjust potential, just waiting in the seed.

I don’t know all the names of love or of God, but I can say patience is one of them.

 

Let time do its work, and wait for the right moment. This is love, though we don’t know how it will reveal itself yet.  Is it the quest or the Grail itself? Does the journey ever end- not really.  Love is a prize, but it is not a destination. It is a state of mind that can be ever present, ever fruitful, but it is not under our control how it will reveal itself. All we can do is know that it is in the fertile ground lying fallow, ever present even if we are waiting for him to show up, or not sure if he’s the one, yet.

What we want, and what we want to want

Tags

adventure, choice, decision, france, life, Paris

I think a lot of us long for security and stability, as much as these things are relatively illusory. I say that because only love remains. But do we really want to execute according to a detailed plan? Do we really want to know where the path will lead us?

No, not really.

I just watched a French romcom about a woman who married a total fool because she wanted to marry her partner of 10 years but all the women in her family had bad first marriages. So the plan was to marry the con roughly translated as fool or jerk and then divorce him so that things would go well. Of course, as luck woudl have it, she ends up falling in love with the second man, the con who is adventurous and daring when she gets to know him.

I want to say yes to Life. I want to know how best to do that. I guess the secret is that we all do what we really want. Do I really want to stay in Paris? If I do I can make any justification, and it will be all the harder since I’ve spent a week justifying leaving essentially. I don’t need to have a good reason to stay though- if I really want to do it, I will and I will fight like a tiger, like a warrior who has burned the bridges behind him, to find a good job and live well here. That’s not to say that if I go back, I won’t come to Paris after I graduate and do the same thing if it’s really meant to be.

God will tell me the answer, I will listen to my heart, and when I KNOW, I will know.

Peace be with you.

Saranem saranem.

Namaste,

Inshallah.

God bless,

MJ

Love

Tags

faith, God, hope, love, trust

I dream of someone who will truly support all my goals and dreams, and encourage me to fulfill myself.

I dream of someone patient and kind, who inspires the same in me.

I dream of great trust, honesty, and sincerity.

I dream of commitments that are sure and true; not hastily made nor thoughtlessly broken.

I dream of discovery that never ends, and knowing that I have come home.

I dream of someone that brings out the best in me and together bringing hope to the world. Together.

I dream of someone who brings me closer to God, as God brings me closer to him.

This is my dream of love, the wish that will come true with all the desire of my soul. I have faith in love, in things unseen, in God the almighty. I don’t know when he is coming, but I am ready for the bridegroom that comes unexpectedly in the night. I won’t let my lamp run out of oil, and will wait patiently until he comes.  In order to be the bride I need also to be the servant, not of my love, who is my equal before all, but to Love, which is one of the names of God.

I need your help

Tags

decisions, destiny, fate, france, life, Paris

My mind is at ease but not my spirit. I feel my future creating itself around me.  I don’t know what my greater dream is, to stay in France or to finish my journey around the world. Either choice is good and bad, one seems like it can be deferred and for the other it’s a chance of a lifetime. I truly don’t know what to do. I weighed the pros and cons and I still feel like I’m doing the responsible thing that doesn’t make sense given my immediate goal. I don’t know if I’m crazy. I don’t know if my feelings will change.

What do you do when you fall in love? Do you tell yourself it’s a trick of the light? Just about the scent of the candles? Do you explain it away and say “i’ve got to do me first, if it’s the right thing it will come back?”  Or do you say, I’m not ready to get married yet.  I don’t know you that well.

OMG I am suffering. I made my choice and rationalized it as best I could. And now I am back being torn. And so torn I can’t get out of my pyjamas and get my rear in gear to go see Paris.

I can’t have everything, I guess. I’ll be leaving a lot behind here. But I feel like my future isn’t as bright. It just seems impossible to make decisions based off the future.

Okay, let’s try another tactic. If either option would lead me to happiness, which do I really want?

If I could be assured I’d have a good job in Paris upon graduation, would I stay here or go back to Philly?

Am I ready to setlle in Paris indefinitely? No, I’m not. But I’m not ready to settle anywhere indefinitely, to tell the truth.

Am I okay with leaving Paris if I never come back? I don’t know about that. But I also don’t know what is beyond the next bend, it could be something better.

What I am most afraid of is making a decision based of fear and not love. The last time I changed my program I was miserable for a year, but it ultimately lead me to this.  If I leave Paris now, it could be either a sense of continuity or a sense of changing. Both offer continuity.

IT depends on whether I see myself as a grande voyageuse to many countries beyond France, or if  I just want to stick with what I’m happy with.

There’s definitely a bit of fear of commitment, but maybe my moment just hasn’t come yet.  And maybe I could live with being in Montreal (eww, quebecois)

Either decision will lead me to a happy life, because I am a happy person and I have a lot to offer the world. If I stay here, it will be an emotional decision. I don’t really think it’s best for my future. I don’t want to do something like this impulsively.

And I hate to call this just a crush too. Should I marry my first love, who I am just getting to know? Was Washington my first love (yes), and this my second? Will there be a third?

When you always opt for broader horizons, for a new adventure, what the hell does that mean? Does it mean I will never stay anywhere? Will I ever find a lasting commitment?

I don’t want to change my decision. I really don’t want to stay under the circumstances that were offered.  I don’t want to live in financial peril. This is why I got the MBA after all. I wanted options, broadened horizons, and a promising financial future.

No one can validate me on this one.

I can find another way back to Paris. It’s possible that circumstances will change, but that’s because MY preferances will change them. Financially things could change but I will find a way to be true to myself.

I will find a way.

The way that I have been offered is not the right one.  I asked, I evaluated, I made my decision. THis hasn’t been easy, but I can’t spend the rest of my life in bed about it.

I’ve never been afraid to leave the unhappy familiar, and now I’m just like every other human trying to grasp happiness, trying to say it comes from a specific place, when really it comes from a confluence of factors. Most of which are out of my control.

This is not a time to make a moral judgement on myself for what I need to be happy. This is a time however, to say that I know what I want and I have a purpose, and I am evaluating all possible alternatives. I am not burning bridges BECAUSE IT’s NOT TIME TO YET.

It’s just not. I’m not ready. I want to see the whole world, not just stay in the one place that I love.

It’s kind of how I feel about this guy, except I know him less well than the city.

The truth is I am not willing to live in France at any price. That is not my whole dream, and a small part of my potential. To move here in haste would make waste.

The fates have spoken.

I can’t master my fate by anchoring on this shore before my voyage is over. And the voyage is never over- I could move here to Paris only to find work in America, or Africa for that matter.

No there’s no security in this world of ours, and it is all about circumstances.  We have to recognize what is open and what is closed, and not close things prematurely. The secret of life is knowing when to hold on and let go.

And knowing that if you really want something, you will find a way.  If it’s not the right way, you can just wait, and pray.

So I need to stop telling myself I am undecided, because I’m not. I need to stop telling myself I don’t want to leave, because I do. I need to stop telling myself I’m ready for a commitment, because I’m not.

But I am open.  I won’t apologize for that.

 

Thank you for listening. Just knowing you are out there or might be really helps me. I hope something I write will strike home for you.

 

A New Adventure Beckons

Tags

adventure, crazy, education, entrepreneurship, exciting, france, hope, idea, job, visa

So i went to a career fair today in Paris. Basically discovered that without a more or less native level of French ad a degree in engineering a lot of jobs I could be cut out for are a no go. Yup, I’m American with a broad-based generalist education and I know it.  So yes, I will continue my search for the right job, but I will also consider creating my own. Yup, you guessed it- maybe I’ll go be an entrepreneur.

My main career goal is autonomy- in where I work, how I work, and what I work on. So that was always the ultimate goal. I thought I would need some intermediate steps to get there, and maybe I still will, but there’s a work permit for entrepreneurs, so there’s that at least.

What shall i sell? Perspective, humor, vision- for the little people. I will attempt to be the McKinsey Quarterly and Thomas L Friedman-well maybe not, maybe more Nicholas Kristof- to the common man. Inform, educate, and influence the real decisionmakers behind the ballot boxes. Make the world safe for democracy in my own special way. Democratize higher knowledge.

Don’t go stealing my business model-or breaking my world- because I don’t have one yet (a biz plan that is). [My heart…ah oui…zut alors…on verra…il faut du temps.]

that’s me, the person fleeing the great American job machine that isn’t but at least is better than celle de la France where I can barely work legally without a ton of hassle. Sounds like a time to make necessity the mother of invention and pioneer an amazing groundwbreaking biz plan.  Or go with what has worked in the past and see what happens fo rme.

Management for everybody-yay everybody wins- ehh Idk exactly yet. I want to share my gifts with the world, and let’s see if I can design a solution within the constraints I have, and keep looking for jobs in the meantime. I am most def excited by the possibility. On verra!

Just accepting who I am. I’m a good misfit, generally a good student, and not a huge fan of fitting the mould.  We’ll see if I’m up for some creative self employment and use strategy in everyday life!