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I guess it doesn’t take that much reflection or self awareness to realize that I’ve been writing a lot waiting for a text from my cheri.  This is not to point out that anxiety is a healthy source of creativity, rather, I’d prefer to say it’s more the impulse to make sense of the madness that life can seem- but that damn, I freak out.  More than likely over nothing. On Halloween the dude told me he was going out with his friend and since we haven’t “defined” what’s up all I could think of was him hitting on girls and finding a real parisienne who’s not leaving in 2 months. As it turns out, the dude and his friend actually wanted to go out with me and my friend but since we weren’t available they just sat at home and drank beer.  So I probably didn’t have that much to worry about. Damn, I sound like a jealous freak.  But really, I’m just insecure, or rather, slowly recovering from insecurity. [Knowing the power of words, I have to put the uplifting spin there rather than define myself through a negative thing, which is only true sometimes after all]

Damn, I really freak out though. And it’s not just the situation, it’s that it’s been, idk 8 years?!?!? since I talked to someone on a regular basis like this. I thought I met someone really nice a few years ago, but he’s not all that conscious when I’ve tried to stay in touch with him, and ultimately wasn’t interested, so that took its toll.  Not to mention the really f*ed up situation with a semi romantic mostly messed up situation in college, and just the fact that it’s been a LONG time. A long enough time to make you wonder statistically about things.

But I guess I should also think about what I’ve done in that time. I’ve lived in France, visited Russia, Madagascar, Poland, Spain, Italy, and Canada; I got my college degree with two majors; I’ve worked in DC three summers; I’ve had my share of very short term “experiences”; realized who my real friends are; been a substitute teacher; taught ESL. I guess I’ve done a good deal in that time, and having a real boyf could have impeded it.  It’s easy to see all the tears shed over the spoiled milk of guys that were bad for me or weren’t interested.  It’s immediately evident- like when I list the travelling first- it’s not like I was just hanging around putting down roots somewhere waiting for Prince Charming and yes, travel does complicate the relationship thing. Grrr, even now if you think too much about the future. I’ve generally learned to live by myself, even separated from close friends- not that I articularly like it that way. Honestly I am just a pretty independent person, most people I can take or leave, and if there’s something I really want to do- like go to Rome, Krakow, and Madrid for 12 days- I’ll do it by myself if necessary.

I’m not afraid of being alone. Now I’m just a little afraid though- afraid to want to connect and be rejected, afraid not to connect and waste my life, afraid of not being independent anymore if I learn to love again and lose. Well, maybe those fears are just normal and naturally, and certainly understandable but mostly unfounded. The truth is I don’t want to be alone.  Sometimes I’m afraid of falling too deeply for and having too high hopes for the nicest, most interested guy I’ve met in a long time (honestly better than my ex I broke up with 8 years ago as a person, I surmise), albeit it that I’m leaving Paris in 2 months.

Some part of me, the part that fell for someone weeks before moving to France last year, just wants to smack myself and say, live for today, love conquers all, don’t be a pussy. Enjoy the time that you have with someone special because I (that’s me) haven’t had any in a long time and you don’t know when it will happen again.  Goodness, that sounds so dark and bleak.  Enjoy life because you are going to die, and you don’t know when, essentially.  But I do need to put on my big girl pants and let time do its work, see what happens. It could bring me l’homme de ma vie, it could not.  I have to face the situation, whatever it is. I’ve learned from those messy situations in the past that half the mess comes from assumptions and refusing to see things, especially the other person, as they really are.  Maybe I’ve met someone as brave as me, or just so hakuna matata he really will put some emotional energy into someone even if she is leaving soon, even if she is as imperfect as me, even if he is still getting to know her. Hint: her is me…

And now, when I don’t hear from the dude for like the first time since I’ve met him pretty much, or he doesn’t immediately respond, is it because it is comfortable? Is it because he is losing interest? Is he just watching soccer? Am I just crazy, ballooning things out of proportion? Do I care too much?  Do I worry too much about if it was something I said or did? Do I forget that there was nothing I did in the past to deserve unhappiness in love, even if my behaviors combined with the dudes at hand at the time helped produce it.  I don’t like the victim identity, and I hate to claim the role of angel, I’d just prefer to think of myself as a non crazy person with good intentions in general.  Maybe with the right person though, things won’t be difficult.

I’m so afraid to show too much interest, too much attachment.  I’m afraid that if I don’t play by “the rules,” I’ll lose the game and my power and my pride, as I have in the past. It’s not about power, it’s about respect.  When you think about it this way, it’s less about how you play any kind of game and more about how the other person treats you as a reflection of who they are. Sure, especially in the beginning, we have to be careful and I’m not saying I want to blow up the guys phone. I’m just saying, well, I texted him first on Friday, he didn’t text me Saturday and I was disappointed, and now I don’t want to go crazy.  I think I will, at some point, mention something about being disappointed if the right moment presents itself. I don’t want to be clingy, but the guy started talking to me everyday and I like it.  I do prefer to be in a relationship, still, though there are constraints involved.

So when I try to tell myself I would be happier without him, I can’t.   I could be happy without him, but maybe not as much. I guess this is a good sign, that the person is actually adding something to my life. I’m not as in the past letting something drive me crazy in hopes it will magically change someday. [Btws, thank God for dating a francophone, right? Little to no chance he’ll stumble upon this beauty or be able to appreciate it if he did.  Except for the me being crazy part.]  As far as not technically being in a relationship but mostly actin glike it, I guess it makes sense that you should have the behaviors and trust of a relationship before being in one, instead of thinking that putting a label on it would make things all better. And maybe we are getting there, or we are like people who don’t get married but live together but are better than married couples. Not that we are getting married or living together, but just that its not all about the label.  Wow, so this is feelings feel like.

I think about being an invulnerable wild child.  Not so much with nostalgia as with compassion. I always wanted to be in a relationship, it just didn’t happen for me. So I did other things with my time instead. Right now I do miss a little the feeling of not caring, but I wouldn’t trade it. I am consciously watching out for any self-defeating behaviors to drive the dude away or prove he’s secretly a d*k though. I almost wish I didn’t write that, but it’s the honest truth. Gotta stop trying to pick him apart to figure out something’s wrong with him or he doesn’t really like me.  God, I wonder what I’ll think when I read this stuff a year or even a month from now.

By the way, my dog died. This poses a lot of questions, secretly. If it were a person in my family, the situation would obviously be a lot different. When the Jersey Shore where I’ve spent all my family vacations is destroyed and New Jersey is hit hard while I’m gallivanting in Paris, it’s a conundrum.  Fears of not being there in case of real need are why I thought I could never go abroad for the long term, and here I am making plans to stay.  I do feel a responsibility to my family, but I also know I can’t use it as an excuse for not following the inner voice. Yeah, it seems selfish and hyper Western to say that I was put on this earth to follow my dreams, but gosh darn it…I was.  I can’t live my life for Hurricane Sandy and 911.  I can’t never leave my parents’ side when they are well in case they get sick. Life is hard. In some ways, the unexplainable natural disaster and totally out of human control stuff just seems almost easier to deal with than the choices we do have to make. And honestly, I loved my dog, but I don’t LOVE dogs the way I love children.  It’s so weird to think he’s gone though, especially so soon after bragging about his clever name to this dude.

And because so much of my inner life seems to revolve around him, should I tell him?  Should I tell him to judge his response? Should I tell him so hopefully he’ll come over and cuddle me, but then I might pleurer mes souffrances about everything and like him more, and think he’s amazing even though it’s just the decent thing to do?  Not that coming from the other side of town, especially for a first world problem like that, when I don’t even know what goes on in this dude’s real life outside of me and his job and playing soccer with his friends and stuff. Le big sigh.

Maybe I just need to be alone for a while, proofread my paper that’s due in an hour again, and see what tomorrow brings.  I know I’m strong enough to just do that, but it’s not what I want to do. I want to be able to know someone will live up to my ridiculous expectations and not have to just take things as they come and have my wish finally come true. Is that too much to ask? What is my wish? Well, I can be, but I don’t want to be alone.  But things take time.  We’ll see- my impulse is to text him my dog died, but he didn’t respond to my response regarding my fabulous exploits this weekend so I don’t know, don’t know, don’t know. What I really want is to be able to talk about how hard it was for me this week to not be there, with somebody who loves me, like the song says. That doesn’t seem entirely appropriate via text message and given lack of responsiveness.

I’m afraid to text him because I’m going to judge him for it. Because I might take it out of context, but I might see something about him I do or don’t like. Mostly afraid to find out he doesn’t want to go any deeper.  Mostly afraid to find out we aren’t really compatible, or he isn’t trustworthy. But I’m MJ, and I always do the uncomfortable thing.  I always give people chances.  Here goes, I think.  Or not, I don’t want to use my dog’s death as a ploy to text him again. Who knows. Don’t want to leave you on a cheap cliffhanger.

Thank you for listening.  You know, I don’t talk to you because I’m lonely anymore, I talk to you because I actually think I’ve got something worthwhile to say.  Thank you for telling me that.

Love and kisses and bisous,