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I was just feeling crappy all day today.  Part of it was probably due to weather and hormones, but there were other factors too.  I was feeling bad about the fact that my dog died and my family has had to deal with Hurricane Sandy while I’m living the life in Paris.  I’ve also just been feeling sensitive and vulnerable in regards to the guy I’ve been seeing, who really has just been nice.  Or normale, as the French might say. Decent.

Well the guy did text me today and I told him I was feeling crappy and why. I ate at MacDo since I wanted something salty and homey.  He weirdly hasn’t been responsive since trying to reassure me, in contrast to some of the other guys I’ve fallen so blindly for over the years for whom non responsiveness was par for the course, and I can’t say I’m not a little anxious.  But after my Twix bar-dear Lord, do I emotionally eat or what?-  and settling down, I really do feel better.  Even though I have an exam tomorrow I haven’t studied that much for and a million other things to do.

I just kind of realize at this moment in time that I’m still myself.  I may have taken on a new emotional tie, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being assertive and honest for fear of losing him.  That doesn’t sound very MJ. I’m still me, with or without him, whether he likes me or not, whether I like him or not.  And you know what? I like me!  I’m still Megan, and I’m still going to tell him if something’s bothering me or that yes, I had a tough day for totally first world, emotional reasons, but my feelings are still valid.  I’m not going to pretend all is well, or pretend indifference when he doesn’t respond back.  Due to the circumstances of my leaving in a few months, this may or may not be a forever thing.  But I’m still the kind of person you should want to be with forever, not someone you put up with since the expiration date is in sight (as a friend explained to me regarding his crazy parisian lover who is driving him nuts right now).

If somehow this guy ends up not being all I require and makes a habit of not responding to my texts, I’m not going to cling to the romantic notions I have of him and wonder what I did to change the way he acts towards me. I’m just going to walk away, and know that I will take care of me, and I won’t let anyone treat me badly. I’m not going to worry about all the things that could change the vibe between me and this dude, all those stupid jealous thoughts I have about girls he could meet and feeling like maybe I’m not that exciting anymore or he’s too comfortable or whatever.  I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt, which he actually does deserve based off past behavior, and then walk away without wondering what I did to make it go wrong if things go sour.  I am not going to spend my life pining over “should-have-beens” anymore- who am I to say should? Who knows what’s around the riverbend or what bullets you dodge?

Things have been going so great in Paris, not only in terms of this guy but also in terms of my life itself.  I’ve thought of staying, and maybe if the situation turns favorable enough (eg, I somehow wangle a larger scholarship) I would.  In fact, the die is cast and I have inquired about it.  We shall see what happens.  Wow, still no response from the dude.  What is up with him?

Well, here we are back to not knowing what will happen next.  It’s a pretty comfortable place for me, I’ve learned well I think.  I want to stay in Paris, right now, and I am trying.  I don’t want to abandon my cohort, but I couldn’t just go on pretending this had never happened.  Maybe nothing will actually change, but at least I’ve lived this moment fully, and that’s all that really counts right?

Calm returns, a prelude to action and a soothing moment, a moment of breathing easier, after action.  Balanced in this place knowing I have done all I could, I have fought the good fight, I have not shied from the stirrings of destiny, I have peace.  This is letting time do its work, not an observer blown in the winds but a ship captain calling to adjust the sails. Onward! Land ho!

This is the image I have of myself right now. I see the sailors in their spotless white, I see the calm light blue of an early summer day, the dazzling of the sun on the planks. It’s an impressionist painting and the sailor’s faces aren’t clear.  I’m surrounding by blue blue sea, reflecting the sky just a shade darker, all around.  Or is that white sandy gleam in the distance? Is that land or just the sun on the sea, so bring, almost hurting the eyes. So much brightness, so much pleasure, it’s almost a pain but you can’t complain.  Never too much brightness.

Breathing easier, back in the flow…