So at this point it’s still undecided if I will be staying in Paris or going back to Philly. Each has pros and cons, both personally and professionally, and I still have to put in some more effort to make it more practical to stay in Paris. But I’ve decided to try anyway. Whatever happens, will be the will of God. I’m certainly excited at the prospect of staying in Paris but I’m sure continuing my program to Philly and Asia wouldn’t be so bad either. Neither option is bad, and for that I’m grateful. I’ve definitely found a place where I’m happy, and have something to look forward to after I graduate, wherever I graduate from. Whatever happens with my dude, every moment was worth it, and I will never be the same again.
It’s wanting to like or love something, because you should, and liking it. There’s another thing when you think you love something, but feel like you shouldn’t. It’s never easy to be sure of feelings, but when they jolt you into action they are a bit more real than just feelings. Not all feelings are just moods. Some have to be listened to. There is your heart and then there is all the other ego garbage that masquerades as the heart. When my dude is there, and I feel so happy in his love (yes, I dare say it even if it goes unsaid) and warmth, that is my heart talking, what I feel back. When the dude takes 5 minutes to respond to my text message and I think he doesn’t like me anymore and doesn’t really want me, that is not my real heart.
The nice thing about this situation is how removed from the goal I feel. In fact, I wouldn’t say my goal is even to stay in Paris. I would say my goal is to find the place that’s right for me, and I can’t know that unless I try to stay in Paris. Goodness, I do want to stay in Paris. I’ve never wanted to stay anywhere before. Maybe it’s just because of a confluence of factors, such as the dude and the fact I feel ready to just stay after my previous adventures, which may not be super related. But humans are irrational right? Is that such a bad thing? Life is too complex to be super rational. And being that my goal is to work in France, yes, it’s pretty rational to want to stay here and job search. That doesn’t mean going to Philly means I can’t find a job either. It’s all in God’s hands, really.
I just KNOW I’m doing the right thing by trying. I really feel like I’m pushing the envelope here, but that’s what you have to do sometimes. The people who really care about me will support me anyway. I will figure things out somehow, and I’m really lucky to feel confident some people really love me, despite my faults such as frequently changing direction, which my not even be a fault since it’s not easy to chart a course in life!
Wish me luck! I’m slightly petrified at this big life change I’m contemplating, but even more blissful following my path. I feel good about what I’m doing, and I’m finally at the point where the result doesn’t matter. Really.
Thank you God. I am so blessed.
Peace be with you all!