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is the title of this post because that’s what I am doing.  The guy hasn’t talked to me yet, and I texted him first yesterday. The last I talked to him about it,  I was up in the air about whether I was staying or going.  Maybe he wants to give me my space.  I don’t know.  Maybe he just doesn’t realize how ridiculously insecure I am.

Twice today random guys on the street came onto me really hard. I told the first one I had a boyfriend, which is a fair ruse to get any guy away.

The thing with this guy is that when we are together, I have no doubt he cares about me.  Regarding his character in general, I have no doubt that he means well. What he wants with me, that is another question.  We’ve been seeing each other for several weeks now.  I’m going to miss him, and I want him to want to take advantage of the time we could share now.

Vulnerability just sucks, but I guess it’s proof that you like someone, or at least like them liking you. I can’t say I’m in love with my guy, or even that I know him that well, but I would like to get to know him better. I do enjoy the time we’ve spent, and God, I do feel something. Something I am grateful to have felt.

It’s hard to remain hopeful, especially after such a stressful time.  One thing I do realize is how much for the next ten months I’m truly just dedicated to my own personal and professional development and finding work I like in a place I love. I hope that’s compatible with being with someone, or at least having someone in my life who really likes me.

Can I be in love without being able to sacrifice everything? Not necessarily with this dude, who I’m hopefully freaking out over for no reason, but just in general.  Does love require sacrifice and pain? Do you have to be willing to live on the other side of the world or give up everything in some other way just to stay with your beloved?

Maybe.

But to fall in love, you don’t have to be ready for that.  You can believe in love and commitment and well you should and probably must in order to find a love like that.  It happens, with time, as the person becomes your life.

Love at first sight, a happy relationship, and a marriage of 30 years are very different things.  But in the beginning, people have to simply grow together and be willing to grow into each other. Like two trees that have become intertwined, because their roots, or maybe their branches, aren’t so far from each other and life has attracted life.

I guess this is what is meant by letting time do its work.

I do know that there is no time or space in my life for someone who doesn’t really like me as I am.  I do know that I am ready to make compromises, but I have my own values and priorities. I do know, really know, that when the right time comes I’ll find someone. I do know that I’m awesome and I deserve to be loved.

A lot of Hollywood ideas of romance are pretty masochistic. It’s all about what you will give up for fear of losing your beloved. [Man, am I exhausted today.] But a friend told me yesterday, that if it’s meant to be, it will be easy. Because you want the same things and are at the same place in your life. It also requires you to somehow be in the same place and same time for the miracle of meeting to occur. The way I met this guy, so randomly, both reinforces the miracles of life and the fact that miracles happen every day. Well, maybe not every day, but when the time is right…

So in order to find someone not just to fall for, but to grow in love with, I have to have put down some pretty solid roots myself.  Not in a place, but a sense of self-worth, integrity, and some amount of vision for my life.  Maybe not a step by step plan, but I have to at least know what’s inside me, and to have found my inner compass pointing True North.If you really love someone and are meant to be, they will be smack dab in the middle of the path. They will not require you to give up one ounce of yourself. Just as they will totally change and transform your life, almost like having a child would, they will also reinforce the best parts of you.

But it all starts with loving yourself first. No one else can make you happy with your life or who you are, no matter how much they love you or how badly you want to be in a relationship. Me, honestly, I’m just not ready yet to be in a really serious relationship where I consider the other person the most important thing and staying together isn’t even an option, it’s a fact. I feel like I do know enough about who I am, (though it would be helpful to live as a single adult with money first, I think, maybe), but I have to land somewhere.  And I have to finish my schoolwork. That is the most important thing in my life right now. That’s what I learned from all this shenanigan about whether to stay in Paris and not get the dual degree or not. Serious stuff man. That is my purpose, or at least my goal, for this stretch of life. True, it’s not what God will call me for, but it’s the immediate earthly goal anyway. It actually trumps staying in Paris.

Counterintuitively, I think it’s not a bad time to get to know someone and establish a relationship. I don’t think it’s ever a bad time to do something if you really want it- gotta live in the moment. Just like I can’t let myself die of the pain of leaving Paris while I’m still living here. I think when we are convinced all we need is the right person to complete or brighten up our lives, we’re not protecting ourselves or even showing our real selves. Which makes it hard to find the right partner who will treat you well and love you for the real you. So I’m not giving up on love, its still pretty much my deepest desire besides being my best self, including getting into a good career I will like. I know jst from how much I miss it that I will come back to it and make it a priority when the time is right, like coming to Paris.  Things could change, there could be another city and while I can’t say I’m really serious about this guy at the moment, it could still be him or someone else.  God, sometimes I just wish for a little certainty in my life. Stability is not overrated at times like these. My heart is breaking, my heart is open, my heart is plain. I don’t want to leave!

But in times like these, when the phone’s not ringing or chirping and I really can’t in good conscience stay, I just have to believe there’s something better coming.  And a good explanation doesn’t count in this case, it’s more about things being better than I expected. Who knows what God has in store.  There’s a reason I have to leave, albeit with a heavy heart.  And if he’s not The One or even the right guy for right now, well he’s gotta be out there somewhere and I’ve done damn fine without him up to this point.  Faith is not an easy virtue.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Pocahontas this week. Oh my god, I’m actually going to cry I don’t want to leave so bad. Or I’m that disappointed in this guy or both. No tears yet, but they are there. My heart is heavy, and so full of different feelings. Pocahontas is teaching me to paint with all the colors of the wind, listen with my heart, and now it’s time to see what’s around the riverbend. So sad right now.  All I want is someone to comfort me, but I guess it’s not going to be this guy. Because I won’t reach out to him because I don’t need anybody in my life who doesn’t also need me (according to Marilyn Monroe).  A little hyperdramatic maybe but not a bad yardstick either.  O putain, I don’t want to leave, why hasn’t he called me, can’t I just go feel sorry for myself now, no I can’t there’s things to be done, in order to come back. I just need to state this decision and get it over with. Woe is me, my life is so wonderful I had to choose between two great options and I met a wonderful guy and I’m sad because he didn’t get in touch with me today because he usually does.

A toute a l’heure, cheris.

Time to let it go…

If it comes back it’s yours, that’s how you know.

If I love Paris enough, it will come back to me or I will come back to it. Same thing with the boy (not that we’re close to saying the l word, but maybe someday, I hope). You can’t love something unles you are willing to let it go. Big difference between real love and attachment. In the past I’ve confused the two, but now I know…love before attachment.

Paris, until we meet again…

Wait, I still live here.

Merci a bientot.

Bonne soiree

MJ

 

 

 

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