because it only makes you act immature. I found this out when I did in due time hear from my dude, and we ended up misunderstanding each other because by that point I was so upset. I was cued up to defend myself when there wasn’t a threat in the air. I was ready to flee something that actually seemed pretty good. Why?
Because it wasn’t perfect, because I was disappointed, (yes, a little bit, we’re all human and this dude who’s actually a part of my life doesn’t walk on water unlike the guys I’ve idolized from afar-he’s much nicer too)
And more importantly, because I was afraid of getting hurt, and
Much more deeply, I was afraid of being capable of being hurt, of being vulnerable.
As it turns out, the dude did act pretty mature despite or perhaps because I was subconsciously testing him and overly sensitive (as you might be able to tell from my posts, it was a tough weekend). At least I got a chance to say what was on my mind, and while I don’t regret what I said, and I couldn’t have done better in that moment, I still wish I had said it better.
The message got across though, and it seems that things are going to get back to peachy with the dude, although we might have some face to face clarity, but the point of this post is that the more you try to run from your vulnerability, the more vulnerable you become. You (hopefully) realize when you deploy your defense mechanisms which prevent someone from getting any closer, of gaining any more trust, of getting any closer to love like LOVE.
But if you’re lucky, and if your inner self mastery comes to the rescue, you find yourself in the right place in the right time with the right person (again). And you realize it, happily but also with a gasp of anticipated. And then you check yourself, and realize
I deserve happiness. I choose to be happy. I carry joy within myself and no one can take it from me. I can withstand any disappointment, obstacle, or challenge. I can endure and be patient waiting for the right person who deserves my love. Yes, i can take care of me.
You also realize,
Damn, I actually like him.
And a part of you goes 🙂 sigh…dreamy gaze out the window…maybe, just maybe….
So don’t be so ashamed of yourself that you can’t nay you won’t admit to your vulnerability. Accept your feelings. Feel the fear of being vulnerable, and release it. If you do have a moment of ouch, why did I say that, shit, I acted exactly the opposite of what I would have liked, remember:
If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. Marilyn Monroe
And don’t make a habit of it. Love is there to bring out the best in us, not reassure our egos when we have temper tatrums and get cranky. You have every right to be cranky, just make sure you know the real reason why you’re cranky (or how you ate that much chocolate in two days and feel fake hungry so mch recently) and take care of it. Don’t expect the other person to take care of you, find some peace in yourself.
And maybe, just maybe, let them make you feel better anyway. Let them, because they want to. Don’t make them act the role you want them to don’t force them to give care because it doesn’t work like that. Let a friendly embrace open up the chanel of tears and go cry on that shoulder, weak and innocent and naiive as it may feel.
And if you dont have this person to hold you and make it all better, realize you don’t need one. And when you do find one, don’t waste him or her on your caprices. Develop yourself in the directions you want first, and be ready when the right person, mature and kind and generous, knocks on your door. Don’t lose them because of your immaturity- it’s kind of like how there are some and good bad ways to die. Don’t kill love through defense mechanisms. Accept your vulnerability.
Ok, time to take a dose of my own medicine.
Bonne nuit cheris,