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My mind is at ease but not my spirit. I feel my future creating itself around me.  I don’t know what my greater dream is, to stay in France or to finish my journey around the world. Either choice is good and bad, one seems like it can be deferred and for the other it’s a chance of a lifetime. I truly don’t know what to do. I weighed the pros and cons and I still feel like I’m doing the responsible thing that doesn’t make sense given my immediate goal. I don’t know if I’m crazy. I don’t know if my feelings will change.

What do you do when you fall in love? Do you tell yourself it’s a trick of the light? Just about the scent of the candles? Do you explain it away and say “i’ve got to do me first, if it’s the right thing it will come back?”  Or do you say, I’m not ready to get married yet.  I don’t know you that well.

OMG I am suffering. I made my choice and rationalized it as best I could. And now I am back being torn. And so torn I can’t get out of my pyjamas and get my rear in gear to go see Paris.

I can’t have everything, I guess. I’ll be leaving a lot behind here. But I feel like my future isn’t as bright. It just seems impossible to make decisions based off the future.

Okay, let’s try another tactic. If either option would lead me to happiness, which do I really want?

If I could be assured I’d have a good job in Paris upon graduation, would I stay here or go back to Philly?

Am I ready to setlle in Paris indefinitely? No, I’m not. But I’m not ready to settle anywhere indefinitely, to tell the truth.

Am I okay with leaving Paris if I never come back? I don’t know about that. But I also don’t know what is beyond the next bend, it could be something better.

What I am most afraid of is making a decision based of fear and not love. The last time I changed my program I was miserable for a year, but it ultimately lead me to this.  If I leave Paris now, it could be either a sense of continuity or a sense of changing. Both offer continuity.

IT depends on whether I see myself as a grande voyageuse to many countries beyond France, or if  I just want to stick with what I’m happy with.

There’s definitely a bit of fear of commitment, but maybe my moment just hasn’t come yet.  And maybe I could live with being in Montreal (eww, quebecois)

Either decision will lead me to a happy life, because I am a happy person and I have a lot to offer the world. If I stay here, it will be an emotional decision. I don’t really think it’s best for my future. I don’t want to do something like this impulsively.

And I hate to call this just a crush too. Should I marry my first love, who I am just getting to know? Was Washington my first love (yes), and this my second? Will there be a third?

When you always opt for broader horizons, for a new adventure, what the hell does that mean? Does it mean I will never stay anywhere? Will I ever find a lasting commitment?

I don’t want to change my decision. I really don’t want to stay under the circumstances that were offered.  I don’t want to live in financial peril. This is why I got the MBA after all. I wanted options, broadened horizons, and a promising financial future.

No one can validate me on this one.

I can find another way back to Paris. It’s possible that circumstances will change, but that’s because MY preferances will change them. Financially things could change but I will find a way to be true to myself.

I will find a way.

The way that I have been offered is not the right one.  I asked, I evaluated, I made my decision. THis hasn’t been easy, but I can’t spend the rest of my life in bed about it.

I’ve never been afraid to leave the unhappy familiar, and now I’m just like every other human trying to grasp happiness, trying to say it comes from a specific place, when really it comes from a confluence of factors. Most of which are out of my control.

This is not a time to make a moral judgement on myself for what I need to be happy. This is a time however, to say that I know what I want and I have a purpose, and I am evaluating all possible alternatives. I am not burning bridges BECAUSE IT’s NOT TIME TO YET.

It’s just not. I’m not ready. I want to see the whole world, not just stay in the one place that I love.

It’s kind of how I feel about this guy, except I know him less well than the city.

The truth is I am not willing to live in France at any price. That is not my whole dream, and a small part of my potential. To move here in haste would make waste.

The fates have spoken.

I can’t master my fate by anchoring on this shore before my voyage is over. And the voyage is never over- I could move here to Paris only to find work in America, or Africa for that matter.

No there’s no security in this world of ours, and it is all about circumstances.  We have to recognize what is open and what is closed, and not close things prematurely. The secret of life is knowing when to hold on and let go.

And knowing that if you really want something, you will find a way.  If it’s not the right way, you can just wait, and pray.

So I need to stop telling myself I am undecided, because I’m not. I need to stop telling myself I don’t want to leave, because I do. I need to stop telling myself I’m ready for a commitment, because I’m not.

But I am open.  I won’t apologize for that.

 

Thank you for listening. Just knowing you are out there or might be really helps me. I hope something I write will strike home for you.

 

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