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I genuinely thought that once I found somebody I felt a real affinity towards who really liked me back, it would be all peaches and cream, and a little noble sacrifice. I thought that once this charmed relationship materialized, it would give shape and meaning to my life and simultaneously give it a sense of adventure and stability. While I continue to believe these things are true of Love generally, I am pretty sure they are not attached to a particular person. At least not to the person in my life right now. I am most of the time pretty happy with him, but not always. I am ridiculously insecure and even jealous and suspicious of his character at times. Every time he doesn’t respond in five minutes to my text message I wonder if it’s the end, or the beginning of the long drawn out messy one I fear with all my being. I can’t say I’m in love with him, but I could be…maybe by the time I go back to the United States in a month. So there is that complicating factor, which doesn’t help things, or the fact that we didn’t really meet each other in a conventional way. The truth is that I don’t even know which subconscious and conscious fears to listen to and which not sometimes, even though really the dude is pretty cool and I am just getting to know him. He is not, however, Prince Charming every hour of the day. He even annoys me sometimes. What the hell? The white horse is not in sight, and the sunset seems farther off the more we get to actually be in a relationship ish thing.  Note the somewhat complicating circumstances, which really just boil down to the fact I will be gone in a month and we’ve only known each other about 6 weeks. So…. but I’m still here.

Ever since I broke up with my hs boyfriend of 3.5 years, I’ve secretly thought that the next relationship I get int, I kind of hope is The ONEor at least has strong potential to be. This could explain in some ways why I haven’t been in a relationship since, I’m just realizing now as I hit it off with the random guy off the street who I liked but didn’t have me hearing wedding bells the first time we met. But then again, I don’t hear them know, but I still feel like I could hear them someday, maybe.

I’m also acting more like I have in my past dating situations since then. Which means, not exactly playing hard to get like I was kind of trying to in the beginning of our getting to know each other.  Now I feel freakin emotionally exposed, I don’t know how to interpret anything clearly, and I don’t like it. This is so uncomfortable. There are some moments I just want to get a clear indication. I almost wrote that I wanted a clear reason to call it quits, and maybe sometimes secretly I do. I just want to go back to living in my ivory tower and dreaming of a perfect person instead of dealing with a real one. I miss the first couple times we were together and things were clear and I wasn’t very emotionally involved, when I had a little hope and nothing to lose. Now I feel like I’ve got something I don’t want to leave, even though I don’t have a way to stay, not right now anyway. It is not my path *le sigh* but I do hope that it’s possible to keep following your own dreams and really love someone. I hope you don’t need to be stable and have your life planned out in order to welcome someone into it.  Albeit in this case its possible I wouldn’t see the dude for like, 9 months…

I just feel like listening to Taylor Swift and dreaming of a better world sometimes rather than engaging myself in this real situation I have. No wonder I remained detached for so long. But I don’t want to stop fighting the good fight, and giving whatever comes away my most honest, earnest effort, not being afraid to admit what I really want and if my feelings change…

You don’t know if it’s a love story, or if the other person is going to just say yes…

Wow such a ridiculous use of ellipses aka … in this post.

~

So, I don’t know if I’ve found Love, but I do feel like it’s a ton of work once you are in a relationshipeven when you’re with someone you really like. THis is probably a “duh” moment to all you couples out there, but for real, not all of us have had the priviledge of finding that out recently. And who knows, maybe this just isn’t the right guy or right situation, and things will be really different when I do. Somehow I think not quite.

Actually, I think each wink we send (corny, I know), each eternity waiting for a text message, each broken heart is leading us somewhere. To greater self understanding, and greater capacity to give love, certainly, and also to a greater capacity to receive I hope. All in good time- I think this whole process helps teach some patience. Because finding someone to spend your life with might only take a second but it’s the work of a lifetime.  Getting together isn’t even half the battle- having shared expectations of each other, not necessarily putting a label on it, will maybe make things simpler, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. Relationships are hardy *cliche* and *WARNING: SPOILER ALERT* Guys are alllll th saaaaaaaaaaame. Seriously there’s no variation on the large child who enjoys potty jokes and being ridiculous theme. And maybe that’s all to the good, even if it doesn’t conform with all our hopes and desires. What you thought you wanted in a person and what you really need are not the same thing. That being siad, dude friend who watches Ted talks and thinks deep thoughts is talking about soccer with the rest of them.  We are all a product of circumstances, I guess.

So yeah, these are my thoughts today.  It’s definitely been good to have my hat in the ring again- I remembered that being in more or less a relationship doesn’t really solve any problems in your life. It doesn’t make things simpler or easier, any more than your feelings for the person or what you want for your life are simple. No, this is another arduous journey, and it doesn’t automatically get easier just because you have found an objet for your affections hopefully to be adored by as well. Nope nope nope.

This song is still soo soo relevant:

Can’t hurry love

However, jst like Runaway Bride taught us, you have to know how you like your own eggs before you are ready to marry someone. Although how fucking messed up is it that guys like her when she has no sense of self? I guess that’s the issue. At least loneliness and solitude at least help you figure yourself out while waiting for the right person, and help you discern what is and isn’t so good once you meet somebody, but goodness, I guess you can’t expect anybody to be perfect.

The other thing that’s super weird is pretty much every dude I’ve ever liked has basically been made in the same mould. That has nothing to do with looks, nationality, religion, lover style… none of that. Although maybe a bit on the last. Yeah,same dude, different bodies. Definitely some upgrades and variations, but it’s kind of weird.

One thing I’ve noticed too is how much less “romantic passion” or something I feel for someone who is actually, for the most part, present and available in my life. There’s a lot more “romance” my longings after guys who end up not being that great and the way I market them to myself than actually dealing with a real person. Although i really like the real person… Gosh, I can feel my face lighting up when I hear from him or talk about him (finally starting to feel like there’s no harm in taking about and it’s hopefully solid enough to be happy about) and I know that I am happy, even if it’s definitely not the person or the situation I imagined would make me happy.  Well, we shall see, hoping not to jinx it.
I don’t think so though, it’s just a step on the path.

Love you all!  Best of luck!

Gros bisous,

MJ

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