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Hello from Croatia! Ićm in Dubrovnik now, mz friend is sick at the moment and Ićm chilling with her. I guess this wonćt be the easiest entrz to read since the kezboard is differenćt and I staz havenćt found the apostrophe but I guess it lends an air of authenticity. We went for four dazs vacation from school and Itćs reallz lovelz. Also took daztrips to Bosnia Heryegovina and Montenegro. Paris feels verz far awaz.

Well letćs get down to talking about whatćs reallz up.  After not talking for like 3 dazs, I decided to talk to the dude (who dropped me off at the airport, which was nice) and he didnćt respond. I texted him again the same thing since he has a dumb phone and he has honestlz missed mz texts in the past. Still no response. Texted him this morning since Ićm home with mz friend, no response but hećs at work so Ićm hoping I hear from him during his lunchbreak. Zeah, so Ićm freaking out a little bit. Hopefullz over nothing. I guess I do care about him, and I like kind of being in a relationship.

And seriouslz, the waz mz life is right now, I canćt promise anzone anzthing. I definitelz want to go back to Paris after graduating, but thatćs like 10 months from now. Feels like it will be a long time. The dude is supposed to meet up with me during his planned trip to the US, still donćt know whether hećs bought the ticket zet. O goodness. The trip was planned well in advance of meeting me.  I do hope we hang out then.

I donćt know if hećs pulling awaz from me, slept with someone else, idk. Things are fairlz up in the air between us.  I like mz freedom but goodness i donćt like being up in the air. Because therećs nobodz to be up in the air with. Even mz best friend most compatible galpal ever will go her own separate waz after the program is done.  Wherever i go after this, Ićm going to have  to start again in a new citz and hopefullz with a good job (even if I go to Paris it wonćt be the same, wonćt have mz grad school peeps with me). As much as I wanted to staz in Paris, the open road still beckoned, and the conditions to staz just werenćt financiallz adequate.

Whz does mz mind go down this path? Besides I met him so easilz, who is to saz I couldnćt bring someone else into mz life who would ultimatelz be better for me. I donćt know. Itćs nice to know where Ićll be in six months, but seriouslz I just want to have enough stabilitz to form qualitz relationships.

Mazbe itćs not the prospect of distance. Mazbe I could be in a serious relationship even with all the travelling. I want someone to travel with, after all. This vozage with mz best friend has showed me how zou can alwazs have someone there zet remain fundamentallz alone and independent. We are practicallz married, so I wonder if thatćs how marriage is.

Sometimes I feel like Ted from How I Met Zour Mother and Ićm afraid Ićm alwazs just trzing to skip ahead to the happz ending. But it is a quest and I hope I can hold out until the right moment. God, I felt like I was selling out or something trzing to staz in Paris but I guess that path just didnćt choose me. And I have no idea what that means for me and the dude. Ićve gotta reallz talk to him I guess. I was afraid he liked the fact I would just leave and we coudl be more than fuck buddies but there was a clear exit. I know hećs still in an exploring phase of his life right now too.

Itćs strange, when I travelled alone all I wanted was a companion, and I alwazs thought of the guz I was in love with at the time or having an awesome friend even. Now Ićve got that, and Ićm muchhappier, I donćt want to lose it, but I realiye I was happz on mz own too. Being with other people does fundamentallz constrain zou, even if zou are super compatible.

Is love when zou know that person is zour path, beyond all the constraints thez yill place upon zou?  Is love when zours and the personćs paths simplz cross for a while, and zou do some of zour journez side bz side, but donćt know if zou will one daz split?  Do zou ever reallz know?

And as far as finding the right job, the right lifećs work, which mazbe are not the same, what does that mean for love? for career? friendship? location? Dear Lord, it feels like all the balls are up in the air and Ićve got nothing to hold on to. Mazbe God is working his magic up there, and I just have to take it daz bz daz.  I still feel like therećs so manz question marks, so unknowns in mz life. No real responsibilitz. In that is real freedom, which I will never have again once I have a husband, children, job, life…

I get whz all the spiritual people forsake those things. Itćs hard to make promises to toher people when zou are totallz devoted to the quest. Zet at the same time, i have to believe that married people can be just as close to God, and fathers and mothers. No matter which waz zou look at it though, when and how zou find God, or rather how he finds zou, is left somewhat up to ĆchanceĆ. Cćest a dire, it is bezond zour conscious decision. Knowing so manz things are out of zour hands, how can zou ever make a promise to anzone, to keep them near zou, to be faithful and true and present? Nobodz reallz knows what God has in store.

So here I am on the long awaited trip with a faithful companion mz best friend, Ićve got a guz I could see mzself doing the same with, and it is all so quotidienne. It is not so magicallz blissful and fulfilling everz second. I am riskilz sort of petit a petit falling in love with someone, and the streets arenćt paved with gold. Ićm sure some of the pain comes from mz own insecuritz and lack of trust, but I guess some of it comes with the territorz of risking something (hopefullz intelligentlz and consciouslz).

It will take a strong person to love me. I am a strong person, I think, for being open to love in this situation. And itćs possible that the time isnćt right, or mazbe Ićm just not the right person for him. But here I am, open, seeing, hoping to find, hoping.  Which means giving up on some of mz fantasies, and making some compromises. I will have to do the same thing in order to find a job I like. Ićll have to take mz best guess and keep working towards love.

Mz real job and mz real love are so much bigger than one person or the right job. Mazbe if I remember that, the seeming paradox that I was reallz ok alone though lonelz and that I am happier now but the thing I wished for finallz realiyed is not the kez to fulfillment.

I actuallz am verz happz right now. That doesnćt mean it is so easilz recogniyable. Ićm happz I took this trip though and realiyed that mz quest is not just logical and anlaztical to finding the right person and right job (and right overall life circumstances) it is definitelz about reading the right book, changing the waz zou see things, letting life happen to zou a little. And I think, remaining open no matter how much zou want to shut down. Not plazing the game, just being openlz in love with life instead of pretending that this, not being mz first choice or mz original plan, doesnćt count. That he doesnćt count, just because I met him so randomlz.  God, I hope hećs strong enough to love me. And I hope I am too.

I hope I donćt need to clip mz wings to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel cared for. I hope I can make love to the skz, and find a copilot and crew…I want a flock to flz with, not a coop to settle for.

Turtledoves are a sign of peace, right? And thez send messages?  Coo coo coo

Five golden rings…(four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree)

Dear Lord, please give me the strength to walk mz path, the serenitz accept it, and help me to love everzone zou place on it, including me.

Peace be with zou,

MJ

 

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