Probably the biggest regret, or rather the largest fault I pointed to, in my one major relationship (ended about 5 years ago now, about 3.5 yrs in duration promise ring mailed back) is the fact that me and taht dude never really had anything in common. There was really no clear reason for us to be friends after the breakup since we had no shared interests except our relationship, which didn’t really fail so much as putter out as young love gave way to 2 maturing people. Sometimes I feel like I held on way too long.
Since then, the longest romantic engagement I’ve had is the one I’m in now. Going on 7 weeks, not technically in a relationship and I’m leaving in a few weeks. If you can’t tell from every time I needlessly freak out when this dude, who really is a sweetheart, doesn’t respond to my text message in 10 minutes or less (sometimes it is only 4ish before the fear commences that he’s secretly mad at me, out chatting other people up, or will never respond again), I guess I kind of care about him. I do give a crap whether we stay in touch or not when I go back to Amerikay and God, I do care right now. While the fear shouldn’t really be the sign that I like him, nor the insecurity which is a holdover from previous tortured affairs, I guess I really do. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just that I like dating someone again, or the ego boost, or Idk. Maybe I do just really like him though. And I can’t quite tell you why.
So I called my dude cuz I didn’t talk to him much during my sejour in Croatia- he said he wasn’t sure if I got texts and wanted to let me have fun- and just hearing his voice made me feel better. Kind of warm and fuzzy inside. What did we talk about? Pretty much nothing, in fact. The sole splash of intellectual conversation was discussing the similarities in Slavic languages I noticed and the fact that his brain is wired awesomely since he’s like trilingual and a half. We were going to try to see each other yesterday but he got stuck in the metro for an hour and half. 😦 But yeah, somehow we just kind of talked for an hour about not much at all, and even though we were both getting tired were kind of reluctant to hang up.
We didn’t even really discuss my travels to the Balkans that much, or the nostalgie for Tito the dictator/leader of Yugoslavia, the “bloody war” as tour guides refer to it, of twenty years ago between Catholic Croatians, Muslim Bosnians, who actually suffered the most casualties, and Orthodox Serbs. Which would have even been slightly topical, but not really since it is not really a big deal at this point. Hint: in this scenario, I would be similar to the Croatians and he to the Bosnians.
So yeah, I met this guy who is just nice to be with and I’m so feeling him. I definitely didn’t see it coming, he doesn’t exactly fit the image of the guy I thought I wanted to date. We don’t have intellectual convos, though he is super smart, go to see arty French movies (mostly we’ve been to American movies not unlike what I used to see with my ex when I was 16 yrs old). It feels like we are together and even the first time I met him, I felt at ease. He’s so cute too and tall. I knew he wasn’t French but non European didn’t really come to mind, not that it really matters, at least right now. He also likes the idea of traveling but hasn’t gotten many opportunities yet, and I like talking to him every day, and cuddling. Other things too.
So why do I like him? Is this the beginning of love? Why him? There’s really nothing so unique about what we do together or anything super specific I couldn’t imagine finding in anyone else. Yet I like him sooo much, and he’s the only one in my life, the only one I want right now. He is pretty nice and thoughtful, but still I can’t give you a good reason he’s so special. Like I said, I do sometimes wonder if it’s just the being in a relationship thing I am digging, but then I haven’t let myself/attracted a relationship in a long time, and I definitely didn’t see it coming with him, not one bit. So yeah, I finally like a guy who’s actually available and into me. I can’t come up with a mile long list of reasons it has to be him like the guys I once pined for [who didn’t care for me or weren’t open or what have you] and a lot like that first boyfriend, I have to say, it’s just because. The heart has its reasons of which reason knows not.
Especially 3 weeks away from going back to the US, hopefully to return again in 10 months. And I don’t give a damn. Laisser le temps faire son oeuvre. I’m not going to cut myself from a wonderful thing.
But yes, Hallelujah, Amen, yes, I can still do it. I can still love, and be loved. Am I ready to marry the guy? No, super far from it, but I don’t mind hanging out on the couch and watching TV with him. Although the time that we did, I realized there’s no rush, though TV watching and world traveling are not necessarily in contradiction.
Yes mon choux, yes honey, I like you just because. And maybe someday, we’ll say “I love you. Je t’aime, mon coeur.”
God, I would love to stay and see what would happen between us, petit a petit. It doesn’t seem to be a valid option though, but this time, I really wish I could stay, here in Paris.