, , , , ,

Is it just making money? Making a difference? Is it just a load of crap necessary to survive, an eternal source of stress, shame/praise, wealth/poverty, purpose/meaninglessness?

I for one don’t think that what I do for a living is the meaning of my life.  I might say, sometimes, that it’s having a family, falling in love, changing the world for the better, learning, adventure, serving others, etc.

Sometimes I feel like I should have just been a teacher, but I would have felt like both a failure and a sell-out doing what I think would have been easier though it would have given me more concrete options.  I think I would have eventually been bored.  I would have been doing it expecting it to be easy, wanting a quick solution to the problems of money, security, and work/life balance, plus a very portable career.  But I don’t really enjoy making lesson plans. I really want to be a college professor, who doesn’t do academic research, or a diplomat, who gets to choose where to live and doesn’t have to deal with any bureaucratic bullshit. Alas, a perfect world does not exist.  I am attracted to business because of its relevance to politics and obviously economics, and du coup, the whole idea of science and management and doing things because they make sense.  That is my greatest frustration with public policy, much as I understand the public choice and interest group theory and grand compromise and bullshit of it all. It’s not really that pragmatic or that financially rewarding, for that matter.  I didn’t really want to be a lobbyist, a congressional aide, or get a Phd to be an expert in a think tank.

I just lack so much confidence in myself. I’ve got awesome pieces of paper and I know somewhere underneath that I’ve got some valeur to ajouter but really, I just want to sing my own song and be praised for it.  And not heckled to much, and have enough money to live an upper middle class life and travel often.  And a pony. Just kidding. And a man- not kidding.   Theoretically I’m smarter than like 99% of people in the world (sucks to be in the 1%) and I just want to be able to use my abilities to the fullest.  That’s the other reason why I’m not a classroom teacher.

Well, I might end up having a pretty interesting career, and probably will end up needing several roles to achieve all my objectives. I do think my career should change as my life changes.  In a way, supposedly in one’ syouth you are most creative, so I want to have the great new iconoclastic idea that changes the world. I want to be like Einstein the rebel sometimes. I just want to do something awesome.  I am attracted by fame and fortune but I really want to do something great. Without having a shitty personal life or dying in debt like so many awesome people. Maybe I don’t want it hard enough then, you could say, but goodness gracious, do I have to create false choices? Down to the wire, I guess you have to know what you are willing to sacrifice, but for me, I just want ta chance to prove myself.

And I guess, there we have it, is my downfall. I feel like I have something to prove, and so I’m dependent on the system as much as I, at times hate and abhor it, and at other times just sign in response to its ridiculousness (human beings are absorbed, wouldn’t you say? Aren’t I holier than tou enough to make a contribution?) So I guive myself my freedom:

No, you don’t kneed the world to recognize your worth. You only need to see it yourself, and then the world won’t be able to ignore it.  You sparkle, you shine. You are a diamond created by pressure, something hard, something beautiful, something that will stand the test of time.

Is this just vanity? Vanity of vanties all is vanity!

Dear Lord, I need some help here!

Thank you for listening, dearest readers.  Like God, I don’t quite know epistemologically if you are really there, but I think both you and the Big Guy are out there somewhere.