I’m almost afraid to figuratively put pen to paper on this one. It is personal but also universal; and more importantly, wouldn’t want to celebrate too soon, to jinx it. But it’s never to late or early to live in the present moment. In which my dude actually randomly didn’t get back to my messages tonight. Le shock. I know, I know. But I truly believe, it’s okay between us and there’s nothing really wrong. Though there’s no formal agreement in place, no discussion of what we are or what this means since I for one have felt a significant deepening of feeling, I trust him. I trust him to be himself, to be good and nice and thoughtful to me.
So this is what it feels like:
If feels like a warm bath, that you get into petit a petit au four et au measure, little by little. I think the water comes out of the faucet at the perfect temperature as you relax, not deeping your toe in hesitantly, or although there was been some of that. It is not a scalding heat, it is gradual and soft and relaxes all your muscles.
It is like honey, sweet and also rond kind of, also deep. More than just sugar to it. And beautiful and translucent, golden, afternoon, fall sunshine.
It might taste a little bit like cinnamon and vanilla. It smells like him, like his cologne, which makes me feel better.
And what does it feel like? Warm.
It doesn’t feel safe in a state of danger; it feels like an absence of danger, like a childhood faith. He might kind of be similar to every guy I’ve ever dated, but it hasn’t felt like this before.
I don’t know what it will feel like, when I go back to America. I don’t know what I’ll feel then exactly, or a year after when I’m graduating and planning to come back. I don’t know where he will be, exactly, and neither does he either, I think.
He was a gift, that’s for sure. It was a gift from God to meet him. And now it is up to us, with a bit of help from Upstaire, I pray.
It’s okay not to know what will happen, it’s abslutely okay. Becuase o, right now is so much. It is enough. It is what I’ve asked for and more.
It is trsting again, and fearing that it will be broken, an dgetting over it, accepting it. It is courage, it is wondering if this is the dream come true, little by little.
It is patient and kind and accepting. It seeks no reward or recognition.
It is wonderful.