So my dude actually didn’t talk to me yesterday and I called him today and no response. I was dying inside, even though I had absolutely no indication that anything was wrong. A little space is okay, and the last time he didn’t talk to me he was visiting family and I panicked for nothing. But I panicked a little today too. Well, a lot. I realized how much I can’t wait for when he texts me hello when I’m usually walking home from school and he’s on his way home from work. Today was my last Monday walking back from school, and I was looking forward to getting a “Coucou ma belle,” realizing how much I would miss it. And then it didn’t come (apparently the dude was hanging out with friends who don’t live in the country, so I guess it’s allowed), and I waited, mostly patiently. And then I knew that he would definitely have gotten back from work, and then I worried. [Worries don’t deserve to be enumerated.](Oh look, he just texted me again 🙂 Inner beaming ) I will see him in the US, where he’s been planning a vacation over Christmas since before he knew me. He will meet my family and we will do New Year’s with my best friend and the friend he’s visiting and I was honestly afraid he was panicking in the face of all of it. I had been planning some silly winter holiday (he doesn’t celebrate Christmas)/ going away presents. I’m actually so excited about that.
I realized that even though I am leaving, I definitely want to stay in touch with him, in close contact. I would like more than that too. I would like him to visit me. I would like to visit him. I would like to get to know him better.
In all of my emotions include fear, anger, self-doubt, and suspicion, I realized underneath it all how much I really like him. Like really like him. As in, I just long for his presence, without having a particular reason why. Not even for the obvious attendant pleasures. Not even so we can go backpacking through Europe together, obviously the most romantic thing possible. Not even because, well, you know, if just maybe, in the future…we are good together. I just like him.
Of course I rushed to my blog, to bear witness to my newfound conviction, and the courage I found with it. I wanted to have the balls to admit, yeah, I really do like him. I am afraid to jinx it, I am afraid to want too much too soon, afraid to rush. Afraid of rejection. Sometimes, afraid to miss out. Mostly, just man, am I going to miss him. I don’t want to cut that cord, not one bit. It wouldn’t hurt any less, and it would kill among the most beautiful, random, graceful things that has ever happened to me. Look at me, I’ve got the couilles to say it.
And then he texted me he was hanging out with the long lost friends, how am I doing. I tried to compose an appropriate text back before that would in some measure convey what I felt. Such as “I missed you! I was afraid you lost your phone and lacked all my other contact info! I was afraid you were mad at me!” “Btws heres my schedule for the rest of the week so we can get together!” I gave up and went for “ok, have fun!” I think the missed calls and texts said it for me.[Yes, multiple calls, gave him the benefit of the doubt besides you never know with trains and stuff. It felt so eerily familiar to the times I have been dumped via unresponsiveness. I knew that I had a real man, but yeah I panicked a bit] He got back saying let’s talk later.
I hope my other younger self is reading this blog right now. I hope that there is someone out there for whom I can spare some of the pain through sharing my experiences, and more importantly inspire a little hope. Ladies, there are good men out there you just need to wait for the right one. Yeah, yadayadayada happens when you least expect it, it’s all “How I Met Your Mother” and big-picture of how you became the person you needed to become tastic, and more importantly, DON’T SETTLE. KNOW YOUR OWN WORTH- trust me, once you do it will be a lot easier to LET yourself be loved by someone else who sees it, probably even more clearly. You are the answer to somebody’s prayer, so be ready and take care of yourself because he needs you, too. Vice versa for the menfolk, etc. Follow your dream, love yourself first, and the right person will be there on your right path. Sometimes, believing is seeing. You are never too old (or cynical, or sad, or scarred, etc) to believe in Santa Claus or all the goodness and righteousness and kindness in this world as well as in your own heart.
As far as this right person and me, I hope that though our physical localities will diverge, our hearts will stay true to course. Whether that means with or without him, I won’t know until the Good Lord reveals in His own time. Il faut laisser le temps faire son oeuvre. But I pray for the serenity, courage, and wisdom to see me through- and him, too.
Know the joy of the present moment.