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So now my parents and family are getting the house ready for a visit from the guy I’ve been dating for almost three months, who lives in Paris where I hope to live after finishing my studies in September. until then, I’m in Philadelphia…

He’s currently visiting friends of friends in NYC.

I texted him something cute twice yesterday, called him last night (partially to figure out what date he is coming and if he has any dietary restrictions or anything), no answer. Texted about half an hour ago. No response.

Not like him.

Worried he’s pulling away, that he will back out at the last minute, that this was just a fling even though he seemed very excited to meet my parents and wanted to stay in touch, that he had a wild night last night, that he just doesn’t think it can work, I don’t know…

So, I really am upset right now. Do I want to stay together, and not date anyone else the whole time I’ll be in Philly? Do I really care for him, not even knowing if he eats porc or not, and don’t share his culture or religion or anything?  It’s only been three months, and sometimes it still feels like he’s a stranger though we have shared some lovely moments and I’ve always felt at ease with him. I felt like I was his girlfriend from the first time we went out, and we’ve been in touch pretty much on a daily basis since then.

I’m thinking my engineer might have neglected to buy an outlet converter for his european phone charger, and he might have a dead phone and not be able to retrieve my number. His friend, whose phone he borrowed, does have my number and the number of friends he is staying with..

And he texted, and called. We talked. He does not eat porc- mom was right lol.

Just when I was obvs about au bout des larmes. At the point of tears. Goodness, I am soft.  Am I insecure, or am i strong?  Am I strong enough to love? To step into it, gracefully, reflectively, instead of tumbling, enjoying the fall, without hope, just the rush of knowing it’s safely impossible (as in the past)? Can I let this relationship develop, petit a petit, sustainably? Can it be so? only time will tell?  But he’s nice. I think he really likes me, and apparently he now I ❤ NY too lol.

I guess this is the way things are going to be, every step along the way. Hopefully with a little less drama on my part. Especially when you are thinking about being separated for months and all that.

And it would be this way with anyone, in any situation. Life is to an extent, a bit touch-and-go, especially in the early mid late twenties, and probably beyond too. Au bout de souffle- breathless. Never knowing which way the coins will drop, maybe caring a little more each time, but also knowing that you can walk away, you will if you need to, and you are strong enough to make it on your own. But no, I don’t want to, not right now.

Dear Lord, please give me the strength to be vulnerable.

 

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