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There is a big difference between validation and affirmation. You can seek validation, however shameless, boldly, fearlessly, artfully, from another person. You might or might not receive it. This is a big part of the human condition, a big part of becoming addicted to someone, a big part of comfort food and comfort love. Within certain doses, it is ok, but it is not freeing.  There is nothing wrong with a little validation or comfort, or even a lot, but it is a relationship of depency, and even co-dependency is not love, nor an equal, healthy relationship.

Affirmation is something you chant to yourself, and a larger part of you believes it is true even though some logical part thinks, no this can’t be, and the self-hating nihilist in the back of your mind just flat out poisonously denies it. I am beautiful, I am worth it, I am lovable, I am. These aren’t the only affirmations out there, but they are some of the ones integral to having enough self-love to find love with another person.

You can put on a red dress, and decide whether you are sexy or not based of the reactions you solicit. This is looking for validation (we all do it, to a certain extent, though some less than others).

You can put on a red dress, and think I’m sexy. Affirmation.

Bet your bottom dollar which is sexy, and which is a science project/ pouty unpleasant sad person who doesn’t attract the good boys and might even be taken advantage of, so desperate is her need for validation and approval from others.

Maybe some of the things are blended.

Right now I am kind of freaking out. I was nervous about telling people about this guy I’m seeing, I’ve been talking about him a lot, I guess I like him, he’s going to come meet my family then go back to France while I remain in the USA.

I don’t know how he feels about me. His friend called me his girlfriend, we had had a conversation like that the last time about a month into knowing each other, just after I had decided not to transfer to school in France. I was insecure and mad at him for not showing whether it meant anything to him, as much as I didn’t expect or want him to try to sway me. he was just trying to give me space and not influence me. I was also kind of wondering in the back of my head anyway, since we”d been going out for about a month at that point and it didn’t seem like he was seeing anyone else either and he talked to me about every day, to the point I felt upset when he didn’t.

And now he’s coming over my house, and doesn’t speak very good English, and my mom is worried about cooking ham cause he’s Muslim but I’m not worried because we meet pretty much at a bar and the first thing we ever ate was shellfish and he loves beer.  But yeah, my fam wants to have a sense of his plans, Iwant to have a sense of plans, they suggested nice things to do together.

Earlier today, I texted him a smiley. Then I texted him, basically, so happy you are coming to spend one of your days in the US with me, I can’t wait to see you as always. No response. I wonder if he’s pulling away. He says we will still in touch, I don’t know if that means we or rather he will see other people, will talk every day. I don’t even know why I like him so much apparently, we never discuss politics or econ or serious shit, the closest we’ve ever really come talking about religion was discussing Christmas traditions and me telling him happy Muslim new year since my classmates were celebrating.

I heard the song Try by Pink today. I’m not totally sure what it means. I identified with the idea that :

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it’s not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try

So yeah, I came upstairs to check my email and write this blog post and call my dude. Trying to get my courage up, in case he doesn”t answer or all this family stuff freaks him out. Yeah, getting a little worried. More than likely, he just didn’t realize I called him or something.  Superstitiously kind of fearful now that I’ve read all kinds of lyric interpretations and after hearing the beginning of the song about a lover who lies.

Now that I think about it, and today, I think what I’m experiencing is just a transition of one period of my life to another one. yesterday, it felt like worlds colliding and maybe coming together, today it feels like things are just CHANGING. Who knows where this guy fits into the scheme of things. Sometimes I wish I knew, most of the time I don’t care.

So yeah, I guess I should either just decide to wait for him to call me, or just call him. This part is more complicated, because I don’t know if it’s the right moment to call him and I should just wait (I’ll live another day without making solid plans with him) and I’m just rushing and killing things as a self defense mechanism.  Amazing what two ignored, or unseen, or unreceived, who knows? texts will do to a budding relationship. And that’s just what it is, budding, for some reason we aren’t even facebook friends yet. Sometimes I wonder why and get jealous and suspicious, like I never was before, but I guess that might have something to do with the fact that literally the week I tried to rekindle an old flame and thought it was going well he got a new girlfriend, or love interest, who he later tried to tell me about and seemed to not realize it would bother me. Maybe that’s what the song Try is about.

Maybe I just need to act like I’m in a healthy relationship, and I’m not afraid to pick up the phone and call the person I’ve been seeing for almost three months now.  I’m so afraid though, I’m being ridiculous. I’m so afraid he’s just going to randomly pull away, that he’s got something on the side (how I hate even to think it) and that’s why we haven’t come out as being in a relationship, that he doesn’t want to remain close when he’s gone, the worst fear, that he’s just using me, not sure how many other fears I’ve got. More: he’s going to think i’m the most spoiled brat ever seeing my (compared to what I’m sure his digs were like in Algeria) palatial house, my American private school northface wearing girl who just wants to be in France even though I could have a nice life here, leaving my parents (selfish, not family-oriented), messy, not very frugal, what else could be wrong with me? A lot, I’m sure.

So do I call him now, hoping for reassurance? Do I call him now, risk him not responding, and feeling even more worried? Do I call him tomorrow? Do I calm down first? Do I look forward to hearing his voice, which makes me feel calmer, usually? do I use this convo as a chance to scout him out on our relationship status, which really can’t be established till he meets the rents since he’s so close to doing so, and see how it goes? yeah, if he’s right, even though he doesn’t speak English very well, I hope it will all gel with my parents, cuz that is important to me.

I wonder if he knows I’m as nervous about him meeting my family as he is. His friend was supposed to be with him, but will probs not be able to come, putting all the spotlight on him even more than otherwise. Le pauvre. But my family is nice, and I am not ashamed of them. Maybe this is cruel to say, but even if the health of many Americans (myself and my family included) is jeopardized by having too much to eat while people all over the world are dying of starvation. Yeah, I guess I’ve thought of some of the harshest ways he could possibly judge.  Or that I’ve already judged myself.

If this is love, it is not what I was hoping for exactly in my daydreams. There is emotional risk at every turn- yes, maybe I am being a drama queen now, but I am not a passive recipient. Prince Charming though he may look, he does not make everything happen in the relationship. I do most or all of the planning, and if I offer to pay for myself, he doesn’t tell me not to. Talk about equal gender roles. He doesn’t flirt with me the way he used to either. i guess now he thinks of me as more of a person and has stopped trying to call me a flower or a mermaid. yes, he’s a computer science person in case you were wondering, and such an odd assortment of traits from my previous lives it is scary sometimes. because I don’t want to go back there. But he is nicer, nicer than anyone I’ve ever dated before. Yes, he’s really quite lovely. Or so I think, and hope.

And on my end, I have to ask- is he dependable, reliable, strong, steady? For the most part, I think yes. For trip planning, not so much, for date planning eeh. I guess i should remember I’m interviewing him for the job too, as my mentor told me about going on job interviews.

Ok, I am tired ridiculously early from jetlag.  I should go down and spend time with my family. I would like to have something to report to them about the dude’s plans….

cliffhanger- will I call him or not? will he answer? God, I do need to talk to him.

Love and bisous and dona nobis pacem,