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Well dear readers, my Parisian boo, native of North Africa, came to visit my family during his short stay in the US.  After freaking out that he wasn’t coming after I had gotten some pretty personal gifts, prepared my family for him, and, you know, having hope, I got a call around 1pm the day he had planned to come in the morning, and I went to pick him up from the train station.

It was kind of strange- he was pretty shy and timid towards me, and I was trying to let go of being pissed at him for being out of touch right before his visit. He had been staying with friends in NYC, and I hadn’t, despite living in NJ and offering to come meet him, seen him since Paris about a week and a half before.  When he snuck in a very quick hi how are you just before taking his red eye to Boston where he met a friend.

The visit went very well. My family really liked him, despite the culture, religion, and language differences, and he really liked them. He even took a pic with my parents in front of the Christmas tree. He said he didn’t understand why I’d ever leave, and trying to move to America would be worth the effort for the openness of the people, the big cars, the cheap diners, etc.

Right now all I can really remember from his visit is droping him off at the train station and waiting for the train to come. I cried, and he told me not to be sad and gave me a tissue.

Not quite Noah and Ally and him swearing to write to me every day.

I spent a day feeling sad, cursing my circumstances although I’m actually happy to be in my program and don’t regret the fact I didn’t transfer to the Parisian school, wondering if my wandering spirit is the problem blocking me from a real relationship, etc.

I am really lucky that I have gotten a lot of good opportunities to hang out with close friends and family during this time, and even more support from friends that are far away who it was nice to catch up with.

I defriended my best friend from college on Facebook, who hasn’t made any efforts to stay in touch with me despite my best efforts to exhort her to do so and explain how I felt abandoned.  I felt like waiting for her to suddenly change into the close friend I wanted was keeping me in touch with the dramatic, anxious atmosphere of college where apparently the people I hung out with most were not the ones to become my lifelong friends.  I didn’t want to carry my fear of abandonment and chasing after someone into my next relationship, or the something I’ve had going on with this dude who just left. Ironic how it was him leaving me, though I’m the one who moved.

So anyway the more I’ve thought about this relationship or whatever it is, the more I’ve realized that a lot of the anxiousness and insecurity I’ve felt have come from the lack of commitment in the relationship.  I’ve been open to it since the beginning, and I know I’ve done the maximum to help this person get to know me and my life.  In the first month we had a few convos, brought up by me, wondering what our status was since he was basically acting like my boyfriend.

Hearing his friend call me his girlfriend, having him meet my parents, and talking about the long term future have further contributed to this impression. But when it comes down to it, no promises have been made, and there’s really no clarity besides “wait and see.”  I know he’s a last minute, spur of the moment kind of person, and it’s a tricky situation, and it’s all about “letting time do it’s work”  Which can be a wonderful philosophy, but au fond, I am mal a l’aise with it. Especially after three months and knowing, in my deepest coeur, I really just want a boyfriend.  Nothing complicated, but something really special. I am not necessarily ready to get married, but I would like a long term boyfriend I could see myself getting married to.  I would like someone to make me an integral part of their life, and over the three months I was living in Paris the only time I met someone of significance in my dude’s life was talking on the phone to his friend in America and meeting his brother by happenstance.  A few recent convos where my dude seemed to be kind of fuzzy on my graduation date and other time/place detailed contributed to this “Not his girlfriend,” impression.

So now, I’m going to call him. I think. I’m pretty sure. Because I feel uncomfortable, and he said I should feel comfortable talking to him about this stuff. Obviously the first thing to do was talk about the details of my personal life on the internet instead of calling him.

And chat with friends, obviously. And get myself a little mad and worked up and to the point of tears and wonder if I’m over reacting.

Now wondering if I’m a bitch for wanting to have a pseudo break up/ are we a couple conversation the night before he leaves America which is his last nite with his long lost friend.

I saw a movie today about somebody with the mental illness that really hurt my ex boyfriend ending up happy, and I take that as a sign that means I should be happy and fidn someone who loves me like that again.

And I’m not sure this is the guy.

So…

On doit se parler.

Postscript:

I called, he was with friends, I told him we needed to talk about things but it could wait.  He didn’t seem to realize anything was kind of wrong, which it is.  I did enjoy hearing his voice as usual, and he said kisses and I didn’t say kisses back. I just sent a message asking him to call me back when he’s ready to talk. I really feel confused by his treating me like a girlfriend, being a genuinely nice guy, and seeming to ignore the fact of our separation.

My friend said, “maybe he doesn’t realize you need something more solid.”

Only time will tell.

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