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is greater than the pain of separation or the sorrow of a real break up.  I realize that before I talked to my friend I had doubts about this guy, and I don’t know to what degree it’s because of differences in personality, culture, and “love language.”

The truth is, especially for a relationship just starting out, it’s hard to think about a cross continental relationship for unknown duration. It’s hard to say after only three months.

It seems like he kepts putting me off or just doesn’t care, or maybe he is that big hearted and gentle. I don’t know. I’d rather be wrong and have it be the latter.

So I’m sitting here crying, not wanting to talk to my parents I’m taking down the Christmas tree with who really liked him about it.

My dad just told me a story about a guy in Florida who decided not to use his Stand Your Ground Law rights. He looked arab or had an arab name and was asked if he was Muslim by some horrible hick.  He said no. The guy shot him in the face with a BB gun 5 times.

The man who was shot had a sidearm and could have pulled it out at any time. Asked why he didn’t use it, he said, “He was a young man and there was hope that he could change. Who am I to end his life?”

I have no idea what the guy’s religion actually was, but it seems to me that he was ready to die for Religion, for the Good, in general. Or at least suffer serious harm so as not to harm another. I don’t think the guy’s actual religion matters, maybe not even if he was Muslim and denied it to avoid injury.

I’m lucky to have a friend who is so protective of me, a family who is so supportive and ready to welcome anyone into their house at my word for a friend, and I’m lucky to have so much of life yet to live and a great life ahead of me, I dare believe.

i dare believe that things will work out for the better in this situation.

His plane is about to depart.

I don’t know what to cry for.

I genuinely am afraid I am being manipulated. I am afriad he doens’t really care enough to make me a partie integral de sa vie, a big part of his life, and this is why I haven’t met more of his friends and family and he took his damn sweet time and is so flaky. Maybe this fear only reflects the smallness of my own heart.  Maybe it’s just a difficult situation and hard to know but it is what it is.

I don’t really feel good about this right now. I’m going to chat with another friend, and probably another about it, and wait for God to give me a sign.  I just don’t understand.

Maybe he’s right, that we should have talked about it at a different time and I shouldn’t have waited for it to explode. Maybe he’s just a better man than the person who get all suspicious about him realizes.  Maybe he is a good person but just isn’t ready or willing to commit to me or anybody.

I am sure that I want commitment and am ready for it.  I’m also ok with being single. I’m damn good at that. What I hate is being in between, although maybe that’s why people date and get to know each other first. Maybe he thought that’s what we were doing, but he didn’t really acknowledge ever the fact that he was leaving and the possible changes that might bring.

I wouldn’t and couldn’t bring about the conversation because I feel like if a man wants you, you won’t have to ask yourself the question.  And I want to really be with someone who wants to be with me.

Not sure this is him.

Really wish I can look back on the bon moments as not just a bunch of lies and manipulations though.  Maybe he just didn’t care as much.

For me, a good ending is one where I don’t feel I’ve done anything unclassy and I know I’ve acted in accordance with my values.  It’s one where I know I am open to a positive, fulfilling relationship, wherever and whenever it comes.  However might be difficult though.

We all have such fixed notions of what romance is, what certain actions mean, and what it’s going to feel like when we meet the right person.  I have to say, the fact that this guy isn’t the best kisser ever and I don’t hear bells ringing concerns me sometimes, though not as much as the fact I am having trouble trusting him, obviously.

My friend says he’s manipulating me. She’s removed from the situation and hasn’t been exposed to his silver tongue or good looks she says. But she hasn’t met him either.

You really can’t escape having the conversation, as How I Met Your Mother teaches us as well. Now I’m going to have to have a conversation about why we didn’t have the conversation as well, and I feel like I run the risk of sullying a good, if brief, and not so serious, thing.

But my first priority is me. Making sure that I’m ok. Right now I’m really not, but hopefully that will change soon.

I keep thinking of all these things and I’m losing time with my family in my room typing away at an email I probably won’t send to him. I hope he knows how mad and hurt I am though. At least he’ll have plenty of time being antsy on the plane to think about me.  Is it horrible or just horribly human to hope I’ve jarred him into reflection and am capable of hurting him?

I am so afraid he’s manipulating me, but when I look at my own behavior and what my instincts were I feel that so much of what people think of as romance is really manipulation. Human nature again, I guess.  I just feel so confused.

Now I know why so many women act like bitches- you want a guy who wants you ever when you are a bitch.  You want someone who like in Love Actually sneaks past airport security and meets you at the airport.

And now I’m trying to compose my nasty breakup of not a relationship email and I think it’s better to phone a friend instead. I do think if someone loves you they will forgive you though, but I don’t want to be a person who write nasty emails either. not even cold, stiff, formal cutting ones.

I just want to be in a loving relationship- is that too much to ask? God, i do try, and I’ve gotten burned, burned, burned. I’m afraid that’s the case this time too.

A little part of me has hope, but a bigger part of me has hope for the future with someone else. And the biggest part of me says, I am not chasing men and wondering if they care for me and waiting for them anymore. It’s just not worth it- ever. No one is ever worth your self respect

but what about putting ego aside for love?

And the truth is probably neither here or there, something like he’s not been willing to commit under these circumstances but didn’t want to let things go completely anyway. To have his cake and eat it too, thinking honestly it wouldn’t hurt me.

Only time will tell, but I don’t even know if time can tell in all circumstances. I just hope I’m in a healthy situation. Much as I wish he would tell me he loves me and never let me go and I’m crazy to have ever thought that, I am not too hopeful that will be his reaction.

God, I can’t believe he didn’t take the time to talk to me about it before.

I hope he arrives safely.