Tags

, , , , , , ,

Three months ago, to the day I believe, I was walking home from the bar with friends and decided to go have a drink with the handsome stranger I met there in the street.  He was looking for his car when he asked me for a lighter. Of course, I don’t smoke, but I do speak French.

Since then, I have chronicled on a pretty regular basis my feelings towards what have transpired between us. The one thing I know has not happened is a verbal commitment of being in a relationship, or talking in a timely fashion about what would happen when I went back to the US.

I spent a day after the last time I saw the guy (who knows when or if I will see the guy again), dropped him off the train station. I just cried and had no words. Not even in my head, which is strange for me. He told me not to be sad, gave me a tissue, and told me to take care of myself.

I was sad, thinking to myself, maybe it wasn’t the right time.  Also slightly relieved, because we hadn’t had “the conversation,” and I supposed the relationship or whatever it was was on hold or a wait and see basis. He responded back to the photo I had forwarded him saying , “we look so cute honey,” or something to that effect.

I didn’t respond, because I didn’t know what to say.

This morning, I broke up with him, when he was out with friends before going to the airport.  I told him I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t make me a priority. He was confused why I would bring it up at that moment and told me we’d talk when he got back to France, and kisses.

Now, I’m not going to let whatever happens with this guy make me lose my faith in hu(man)ity. I don’t know if he’s really such a good or bad guy, if he’s manipulating me, if he’s just not willing or able to commit.  What I do know is I can’t have him calling me honey and treating me like a girlfriend if I am not.  It’s not about the label- it’s about being an important part of someone’s life.

Whatever happens in this next day or so, I know I’ve dodged a bullet. Obviously I contributed in some ways to this situation, but I had to let him go. Even if it’s only to pick him back up tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year, or never.

I’m not playing break up chicken, and I’m not trying to create pointless drama when what I really want is a loving relationship. Do I want it with him or under these circumstances? Do I trust him enough? Do I love him enough? Do I love him? Still feeling my way into the answers.

Being emotionally manipulated and used is one of my biggest fears. But after past experiences, I would say that chasing a man who doesn’t want to be with me and waiting around is probably number 1. It’s something I know too well. Maybe this dude is giving me more than the dudes that taught me this lesson so thoroughly, but at some level, I feel insecure because of him and not just because of my own fears, past hurts, and self-dislike. Which is not acceptable, so I am walking away.

I will listen to his side of the story, and I may have to wait a while. I wish I could have a decent way to gauge his reaction-right now all I know is he didn’t act the way I would have or the way I wanted him too. I don’t want to be emotionally manipulative either.

I keep trying to write him an email but I can’t find the words. maybe they will come in time.

I don’t really know how to figure this out, maybe I should just give up and pray and KNOW I’ll be able to deal with it. i wanted love, I’ve always wanted love, but maybe he was sent to teach me a lesson.

I can’t believe I’m talking and thinking this way about someone I was so in love with a few days ago. But I want to be with someone who loves me too, and in a way I can feel and understand.

I really don’t think he’s the worst thing that ever happened to me, but I really don’t want to be kept from the right person by someone who doesn’t really value me or isn’t willing to commit to me.

Hopefully he’ll get to do some good hard thinking on the plane. Hate to say it, but I hope he’s hurting enough to think things through a bit.

Well, it’s been an experience.

Love and bisous to you faithful readers and new faces,

MJ

 

Advertisements