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I surrender.  I have emotions. I feel.

I feel scared, I feel vulnerable, I feel tired.

More than the harm others could cause me, I fear the harm I can do myself. I fear being deluded, I fear humiliating myself, I fear getting stuck in a rut.

I fear not following the rules, but I fear not breaking them more. It’s hard to rashness from reason sometimes. It’s hard to give up the vision you have of yourself as independent, and cool as a cucumber, and someone who has at least her feelings if no other part of life in control.

Guess yet? I don’t.

I thought that when I met the right person, I would never fear anything any more. Hopefully I would realize it was the right person right away, and I would never experience bone crushing worry or anxiety or go through any real interpersonal issues in a perfectly compatible relationships with a partner with almost psychic degree of knowing my wants and superhuman attention to my needs. I thought the only emotional risk I could take was betting on a guy that seemed too perfect to be true, a character from a Daniel Steel novel. I thought I would know when I’d struck gold. I thought friends would no longer secretly judge me for my idioccy and everyone would envy my perfect relationship. I thought my amazeballs relationship skills honed in almost four years of a late teen relationship would cause me to be the ultiamate relationship ninja and finally get to show off all my moves, all my tolerance, compassion, and sometimes mother-know-best.  I thought there would be no risk of being disappointed or losing.

And now, because I was afraid to talk to my pretty much boyfriend about what was on my mind throughout our brief, sweet, and very occassionally confusing connaissance, I got so worked up when a friend beasically confirmed my worst fears about this guy that I broke up with him  over the phone on his way to the airport. I can’t say he’s entirely blameless either- I’m not sure why he didn’t want to discuss our relationship and why he occassionally seemed irresponsible and didn’t seem too sad to leave me. He doesn’t like being sad though. God sometimes this guy seems my total opposite. He doesn’t seem to think that much either, so I really never have any idea of what’s going on in his mind. Which is super scary.  And sometimes I think he coluld never be serious about me because I don’t come from his religion or culture and let’s face it, I’m a little crazy. Not always in a bad way.  My version of this story and the events leading up to it will change, and who knows, my feelings about it and towards him could change within the hour.  The past day or so all I’ve wanted was for him to call me- whether to see if he’s just manipulating me, figure out what he was really thinking, or wanting to get back together ina stronger, more committed way despite the fact that we’ve known each other for three months and there are no guarantees I’ll ever see him again.

I can let him go, and I have. But I’m not indifferent to whether he comes back, that would be a mistake.  And I don’t want to chase men anymore, but I want to give this one a chance to not only catch up with me, but to see how things are looking from his side of the track, and to realize it’s not a race or a game to be bested or toto lose.

The scariest thing happened to me when I stopped thinking my heart could get me through. There was someone now a long time ago I thought was th ebest guy ever and of strong moral character, and he ended up being the reason I’m having so much trouble trusting now, at least in part. Maybe the fact that my one maor relationship was bordering on codependent and we were in a relationship within a week could have something to do with it too.

I do want feelings that can grow with time, and someone to share my life with, in progressively bigger ways. And who do I want it with?

I question sometimes how I feel for this guy, and this whole Is he juat manipulating me? thing.  He’s not what I pictured for myself, and I don’t have the illusion that I understand him. I can’t think of so many ecstatically romantic moments, but it’s not hard to think of sweet and tender ones. Sometimes with him I’m just shocked that these things are really happening, and noting ever happens as I’d have predicted. I’ve hoped to follow some kind of traditional formula or rely on other people’s advice to solve the mystery of love, but thankfully in this case it seems I haven’t had as much time or energy or put so much stress as to constantly be consulting the brain trust.

I told my guy I wouldn’t pursue him.  I guess what I meant was, I want guarantees I will not lose or fail in this relationships, in this transaction. And there are very few situations like that, and very few is none availble with dollWhether this all works out or not with my dude, I’ve definitely learned a lot about it, and ate a few too many cookies. It’s possible that i am analyzing too much, though who said anything about meta-analyzing.

And I guess I’ve got to trust he will call me in his own time, because he said he would. If that’s not a good enough reason to believe him, I don’t know what is. I don’t know why it’s taking so long, but I guess there’s no hurry either. Even though I am in a supergynormous hurry and I feel pretty bad about sort of breaking up with him.

I miss him already, and I don’t want to let him go.

That doesn’t mean it’s right to stay with him either, and says nothing about zhat the narrative arc of that relationship could mean. I guess I did talk to him like it was the last time we’d ever see each other, because I never thought he’d genuinely want anything more than an occassional hi. I guess we’ll see.

Trying ot be hopeful and positive and optimistic but still undiluted.

I guess I’ve got to tchase the men I thanksed before, though that doesn’t really teach me much about long term emotional openness with someone who could be part of your redaily routine and really became an integral part of your life. How do people make decisions like that?

How do we fall in love? Why do we fal lin love?

I pray to God that whatever men I’ve chased in the past to remain broken hearted, alone, and with a little less self respect, was just leading me to the right person. ANd giving me the righttools in the tool belt for when I get there, so I’m not so scared ringing Love’s doorbell.

I can come back another time, but I hope she’s home. I’ve been waiting all day.

 

Love, MJ

 

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