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waiting for my dude, if he’s still my dude that is, to call, it sounds like he was puking.

I finally called him after about 30 episodes of how i met your mother, tons of cookies, and some tears. And more now.

He was very tired, had to go back to work, and had a bad stomach virus. I could tell how sick he was from the way he was breathing.

I feel so bad now, even though I don’t think I was completely in the wrong.

I was in such a hurry, to resolve, to end things. Maybe that’s what he could tell all along, and why he was not moving along. Maybe that’s why we didn’t have the conversation.

Maybe it has nothing to do with being afraid of commiting or not really liking me- maybe that was how I felt, and what I projected in my behavior towards him.

I was so mad at him for not making a big deal out of the last time we’d see each other, but maybe he was just taking it one day at a time. I thought he was taking his space, but maybe I was pushing him away by making it seem like the end.

I don’t really want it to be the end, and it doesn’t feel like the end.

I might actually go cry to my mother at this point. Or some other voice of wisdom.  I’m so sad.

Of course, my friend could be right. He could just be manipulating me, he could just not really care anything like the same amount.

But I have to give him a chance. I have to give myself a chance. And I can’t beat myself up too much for what I’ve already done.

If we do get into a more solid committed relationship after all this, it won’t be about avoiding separation and loss and holding on to something that’s gone. It will involve acceptance, and deciding to love anyway, even though the future isn’t clear. Even though compatibility isn’t assured, and the benefits of a person’s physical presence won’t be available.

Sounds like true love to me.

 

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