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So I sent the dude one of the posts I wrote about him (It was a nice one) and some pics from going ice skating.  It was in English, so there could be some things lost in translation *har har* but my inner romantic is sure to shine through to say the least. Maybe he will freak out, maybe he won’t. At least he will know how I feel, in about 3ish hours I think when he checks his email at work. [Hopefully I’ll be soundly sleeping to have the energy to get this silly finance project done…]  Not that there’s mentioned anything about a long distance long term relationship in it, but at least he’ll have a snapshot of how much I really liked him, and apparently still do. And honesty will beget honesty, I hope.

In a way this delay from talking about the issue at hand is good, it will give me a little more time to settle in and process and let what I really want to surface. And what he wants too. Maybe we didn’t have “the conversation” before because we weren’t ready, and the only expiration date is the one that is important to us.

One positive of talking to my dude and sending my not even love email, I would say it was more of a gift, is that I seem to feel a bit more peaceful. Before I told myself I had done the maximum and the ball was in his court, and apparently maybe I still had more to do.

This situation now recalls one where I basically begged someone who had never even been out on a date with me to be my long distance boyfriend, which was insane but made sense at the time, and I can see yet another layer of why this situation has been stressing me out. I would say that friendship ended and badly, between my own insecure earnest and yet sometimes improper persistence and the dude involved’s inability to tell me to go away.  I did unfriend him on Facebook not long into things with this dude, so that the other memory and the sense of rejection wouldn’t haunt me too bad as to interfere with the development of this relationship (including by giving me something to prove).

So yeah, just ripped out a piece of myself and decided to put it non-anonymously on display for someone it actually relates to.  Sometimes I wonder why I feel the need to vent my thoughts for all you somewhat random strangers/ kindred blog reading spirits, but I think we can all agree it’s totally different. And that you are the perfect forum to vent to, not like a friend whose ears gets talked off and might have other motivations, and just helping me ear myself think which is important in itself.

Maybe I wasn’t thinking. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

Love,

MJ

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