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[college grad that I am, I had difficulty deciding what should be capitalized/ what I wanted to capitalize in that title…]

Well, besides this article about hipsters and getting a real job and how a college degree means nothing, I think I’ve found a good reason to do my finance project, and even a good reason to put my all into whatever it is with the guy, unknown outcome notwithstanding:

This moment will never happen again. The same thing may happen, but it will never happen again in the same way. This is the secret to happiness.

-Laotian French hostel receptionist in Arles

And when I think not only about the money and time and everything else already put into my MBA and all the outcomes riding on it, I still wasn’t sufficiently motivated. But when I thought about how I will never take this course or do this project again, and this is my one chance, I feel more motivated to do a decent job on it, approximately 50 hours left till it’s due notwithstanding.

And the same thing, in a way, with my dude. Who knows if he is the one, or if I’ll be able to say if all this inner hullaballoo will be worth it a month from now, all I know is that this converstaion, and even the lead up to this conversation, will never happen again. It may not be clear the beginning, middle and end of a relationship, and the narrative arcs’ intersection with all the other stories we tell ourselves may never be clear, and the risk we take in letting someone into our story may just seem to mount and complicate and curlicue with past hopes and dreams, fulfilled and unfulfilled.  But that doesn’t mean that this is the moment we have, the way we feel now, and time marches on. It will never come again.

The other thing I realized last night with this project is that, no, I am not at heart really a problem solver. I am a strategic thinker, and sometimes I like to think I’m a bit visionary, but I’m still a writer and a poet at heart. Who knows what I will do for money (I pray it synchronizes well with the other parts of myself as a whole), but this words and symbols and meaning thing is not going to go away. Numbers cannot crunch it away, rivers of b*** cannot quench it. Not even awards and honors and “success” and money and good grades can stop me from asking my questions, and sharing the answers as I find them.

“Like a deer that longs for running streams, my soul longs for you, O Lord.” Proverbs

I have to do my finance project. This too, shall pass.  With my best efforts, I will too.

Love,

MJ

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