Control, expectations, planning, common sense.
My independence, my dreams, my ability to take the first steps of my careers with no concerns but myself (and my family),
My ability to go into a bar, walk down the street, take a class, and wonder if the guy next to me is the One, and imagine little stories about how we will get together
All the happy daydreams I’ve ever had about finding someone, and what they would be like- getting married in a church, speaking the same mother tongue, knowing our values and influences come pretty much from the same place
Waiting for the perfect person, who I’ll never need to be emotionally vulnerable with, who will rescue me from the dragon and take me away to his castle with narry a cross word
A person who likes to talk about economics, and reacts the way I expect him to react.
Someone like the guy I only knew for an instant, but thought I loved.
Having any real ability to plan where the relationship is going to go, who I will be when we next meet, and no idea of what my location will be in 9 months, but knowing for those 9 months we will be separated
Seeing all my hopes and dreams implode in an instant of real, committed reality.
Knowing it might or might not end, and how much it’s already distracted me from my finance project…
Still waiting to hear from my dude to have a big talk- he’s had a stomach virus. I hope I have the guts to get down to the bottom of things, without letting all my past baggage and the burden of created expectations weigh us down.
Maybe this is all kind of over dramatic, and we don’t know which way the future takes us. But this is my choice (and my time to reflect a bit), even if I’m not even sure he would go for a long distance thing and even if I’m not sure if I want it, the choice remains of how to conduct myself with him, and what I want.
I can’t base my choices on my amount of courage, because I know if I really want something, I’ll find the courage to do it. But do I really want it, do I want to want it?
Let go- of him, or of the “everything” I’ve listed?
Maybe there are no bad choices, but the everything doesn’t seem like so much to lose, or so great anymore. most of it was never really there, and was probably blocking the channels to love anyway.
Maybe I’ve got to give up a lot of that “everything” then. Now, what about this guy?
…and my finance project…(WILL GET DONE TODAY!)
It will all happen in the course of time.