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And I actually believe him.

Given the reality of the situation, being in two different countries, we will not be giving long distance a go.

I don’t think he was as broken up about it as I was, but as I pointed out I might have some baggage from past experiences (No one ever wants to be my boyfriend, ever! I’m never in the right place for a long enough time!), and I still felt sensitive.

So I guess I “loved” too much.

I think one of my problems is that I think it’s gotta be forever or one night. I have trouble seeing shades of gray in relationships, I have trouble letting time do it’s work. And I do want someone I would let other things (like my schoolwork) go for.

As he said, it wasn’t really “urgent” and you can’t get too dramatic about things.

Maybe he just wasn’t the guy for me after all. The right guy better come up with something more than “Take care of yourself” when he doesn’t know when (or if) he’ll see me next.

The one thing I did learn from this relationship is that you don’t have to want to marry the person before dating them. You can just date and get to know someone. Maybe “love” doesn’t have to be so dramatic after all.

I still have trouble shaking the feeling that we didn’t love each other enough (he didn’t love me enough), that people just aren’t daring and romantic enough, that I do want someone for whom oceans wouldn’t matter.

But oceans are there.

I feel relieved, to have an answer. i also don’t have the over mirthful, yet skeptical of it feeling I think I’d have if we had decided to try long distance.  Maybe we will end up being best friends, or see my facebook page and realize how sage and wise and cool I am, and he will regret not getting to know me better. Probably not because he’s too grounded and emotionally healthy for that, or at least seems so.

I don’t have to mourn it being totally over, as he said. And if i had really loved someone I probably wouldn’t have dumped them, but you never know. I can wait and see how things go, but goodness knows, I am now a free woman again.

And for that, to be honest, I do feel relieved.

If this was the end of my story of the quest for love, it might be a bit anticlimactic. And as my first priority is doing well in school and getting a job, well, I guess I’ll just have to wait for the other stuff. My relationships cannot be my first priority, as much as I might procrastinate and hem and haw over my finance project. I did feel shitty about the way I kind of dumped him, because it was kinda like the way I dumped my ex who ended up having mental issues pretty soon after. So, in short, maybe all the confusion and angst I’ve felt over this guy maybe wasn’t all do to him. But a part of it was.

Maybe he just didn’t feel the same way.

Maybe his response wasn’t to want to spend every last second with me and try to wring as much happiness as possible as though things were going to end and we were never going to see each other or talk again. So I guess, for the time being, maybe that’s just not true.  And maybe he just thinks I have first world problems and doesn’t really empathize with me.

And now, the acceptable and dwindling time has come to work on my finance project. I can’t say I don’t have a clear answer, and I don’t really have any more time.

But I forgive myself for getting all sensitive and romantic. It’s a part of the way I am, and it’s not always easy to know how you feel. I feel better now, though. That much, this instant, is certain.  And I can’t say I haven’t learned a lot about myself from this experience- I can say I love those breakthrough moments, even if I guess I just don’t “love” the guy quite yet. I’m glad I probed and asked questions and saw what things really were though. And secretly, I’m glad it’s over in the sense there are more worlds to explore, and I need to date a bit more I think. Not sure why I’m in such a rush to settle down into a relaitonship sometimes, but the drive for intimacy is pretty storng. but maybe there are ways to have that, outside of a relationship, with friends, family, and other people like this dude.  At least he didn’t leave me at the altar.

On to the finance project…

 

 

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