This is one of my favorite songs ever, at least in Jason Mraz remix.
I was giving my little cousin a bath and just struck by the humanness of it, the very real, very present, and albeit intimate moment. [I’d been watching some episodes of How I Met Your Mother where Ted realizes his professional acclaim means nothing when he sees people from his hometown who haven’t “gone so far” holding their babies. I feel like I agree with the sentiment, although I’m not quite their yet on the financially ready to have a kid part and I do want both a career and a family. ]
It reminded me of my dude, and how I can’t give a ten point analysis of why I like him or why we are good for each other, how we could potentially weather the storm of being long distance or staying in touch when I know myself enough to think I wouldn’t really be moving on from, nor open to anyone else, nor really satisfied feeling like I was waiting for him to make me his girlfriend. And I just couldn’t find any risk/reward, the risk being that I’d be hurt and have to go crawl back into my shell for another few years and unable to make the most of my youth and “bloom time” and “shouldn’t I just be having fun at 24 while I’m traveling the world anyway?”
I struggle to justify to myself, “Why him?” What does this dude have that anybody else doesn’t have, what makes him so special that there’s no other fish in the sea, how do I know that I’m doing the right thing if I get more serious with him and I’m not just clinging, refusing to let go of a good moment and threatening to turn happy memories into a long dramatic drawn out episode?
I guess I’m doing a heck of a job stating my fears here; I guess it’s time to think a moment about my hopes.
What makes him so special? I don’t know, I just like him. I connected with him. I think I know the moment I felt my heart open, almost against my will. When I know I wasn’t just having fun.
I love my little cousin so much, and he is an awesome little kid. But he and I aren’t so similar personality wise that he’s the doll I would pick out for myself, so to speak. Kind of like the dude might not be exactly what I ordered from the man store, though that has a bit more to do with the whole language and culture and now, distance thing. Well, maybe the distance wouldn’t stop me. I am a true romantic.
There’s really nothing so special about him, maybe. Maybe there are 500 potential soul mates for me on this planet, and I met him so easily walking down the street, it makes me tempted to think of all the potentially right-er people I could meet if I wasn’t attached to him. I’m actually not attached and dependent- our relationship really isn’t that developed yet. I just like him. Could someone with a softer touch and more similar soul tempt me away from him, should I think about that before going down a path that could lead to a more definite commitment? I don’t know, I just know that I want to discover him more. And that can’t be done at an emotional distance, and apparently my checklist items weren’t so important after all.
I feel like most of the other times I’ve been interested in someone, it’s been an emotionally fueled delusion, much as there were elements of a spiritual awakening and the attendant sorrows did open my heart. I could almost say I didn’t actually like them, I just liked my vision of them. In one case, I think I really did like the person, but it was also the climactic circumstances under which we met, kind of knowing we might never meet again though we could secretly be a great match, the tragic romance of it, that I liked so much, was addicted to. This guy, I actually like to be with, in everyday circumstances, although not every moment is thrilling and not everything that comes out of his mouth is pure gold.
He’s not exactly a kindred spirit, he doesn’t go to museums, he is into tv and fancy cars. He doesn’t always fulfill my every whim before I express it, and in some ways he has disappointed me, hence the sort of break up. But he makes me feel good, even just reading an email apparently. Is that enough? Is that settling? I’m quite happy with what’s in front of me but to have it I have to give up my fantasies of what more or better could look like. The fundamental dilemma. Another reason I haven’t been in a relationship since I’ve had so long to dream up the kind of guy I wanted to be with.
All I know is, I’m scared shitless. However, at least I realize that with God’s grace, I have stumbled onto something beautiful. Loving humans is hard, but real.
Another favorite, which now I realize is just one part of love.