Is this what it looks like, kind of procrastinating on a major project? (not kind, of actually allowing myself to be distracted and ponder when I should be decoding stupid numbers, but anyway)
Wasn’t he supposed to promise me things when I stood there crying into his shoulder as he left?
Wasn’t he supposed to make me feel like the most important person in the world, all the time?
How could I even be contemplating actually working on this important project as time is ticking- 30 hours left (no time for eating and sleeping included)? I want to email him and tell him I don’t have time, I’m busy, like he was supposedly being sick. But I don’t think I will- I don’t know if having “the conversation” might give me the peace and productivity that I need. Well, probably it wouldn’t, because peace comes from within, after all…
But if I love him, how could I wait?
What does love look like? Right now it’s not ressembling my inner Barbie dream house that much, and it could be that I’m just wishing its love because I know, au fond, that’s the deepest wish of my heart, without which everything else seems meaningless. But how could that be true, when I have my travels, my budding career (I hope), my family and friends, and most importantly, myself?
How can love be patient and kind, when you have to protect yourself in a world of sin? How patient and kind can love be without being masochistic, foolish, or silly? Maybe that is the point, that you open yourself up to a world of hurt, anyway.
I have some answers for what’s so special about him, but no guarantee there’s not someone, somewhere specialer. But I do like when I’m with him, and he just seems so good.
I asked for love, but how will I know when I’ve found the answer?
I guess I just have to trust the same God that will do the sending that I’ll figure it out, somehow. And that I have enough faith in myself I’ll be able to listen when my heart speaks.