So if its not immediately obviously I’m not a huge fan of finance nor of the task set before me or the teaching style of the person who set it before me either. I don’t like doing things I’m not good at, and I don’t really like working with numbers, EXCEL, ratio analysis, or anything of that sort. I’ve also been ruminating about my apparently fairly casual relationship/flirtation that has ended at least in its current form, due at least in part to the Atlantic ocean and life coming between. Timing, as they say. Not to mention, from the phone conversation clarifying that the situation boiled down to “let’s keep in touch,” as I was disappointed, sad, relieved, and expected to hear, I think we might have some different ideas about love and romance, and different levels of sentiment/sensitivity and feelings towards each other. Who knows? We dodge bullets, right? Good is the enemy of great?
Though the clock is ticking on my project with less than 24 hours to go and a ton left to do, here I am writing a blog post. Hoping it will make me feel better, or at least illuminate what I feel.
I’ve been procrastinating and having trouble concentrating waiting for this conversation to happen, though this dude, who did have a stomach flu, work, and getting back adjusted to Paris time on his hands, did not find it terribly urgent.
In this time, I’ve done a lot of reflecting about what I want from my life, love, fun, marriage, and distance. Not to mention, settling, whatever that means. That’s been the agonizingly fun part. At least I’ve gotten back in touch with the fact that I am, au fond, more of a poet than a project manager. Small wonder.
I’ve been mad at my finance project, which has prevented me from watching How I Met Your Mother, writing, and hanging out with my friends.
It feels like everything that I am afraid of about making a commitment- in general, I like my program and I feel like it’s a good fit, most of the time, but goodness, I HATE THIS. Not to mention, rationally number crunching along seems like the absolute opposite of how I feel life should be lived: a grand, daring, risky, adventure, fraught with meaning at every turn.
It’s almost as though this program and my travels, the least glamorous aspects of which I’m dealing with now- corporate finance and living in Philadelphia for six months- are the obstacles to love and connection, the relationship that I really crave. And for whatever reason, feel freaked out that I’m not in, yet, and haven’t been for a long long time. Wondering if I’m still fit for it, if the right person exists, if anyone will ever want to be my boyfriend, and wah wah wah.
Just how little this stupid project means in the scheme of things and its utter lack of aesthetic, academic, and even practical value it has, is sadly and clearly apparent. As is, even more sadly yet dramatically, the fact that I need to do this project and pass this class in order to keep my scholarship and continue my program. Not funny.
I don’t want to fail.
But I am human, so human, a procrastinator, lazy, emotional, sentimental, hurting, feeling sorry for myself, etc.
I will not fail in this though- it actually is too important. And it is not the archnemesis of meaning and value and all that is good in this world.
Nor is my program or my travels what is really keeping me from love.
I just haven’t met the right person yet. The dude, in retrospect, is probably not the right person, at least not at the moment. We could have had a good relationship, but our non-synched approaches to things ending (or as he says, keeping in touch) might just show some fundamental incompatibility, along with other little things.
It really was kind of what I feared all along- he wasn’t really open to me. Or maybe the chemistry wasn’t there, or it was the wrong time.
But if it were the right person, I’d like to think that oceans and volcanoes and fiery dragons wouldn’t stop him. I know they wouldn’t stop me.
Maybe now is just not the right time in my life, and I knew that before I started.
But it’s not corporate finance or my travels to blame for not finding love, and rebelling against them won’t do anything. It will not be a meaningful gesture, and will not effect the changes that I want. My program isn’t perfect, but I do want to continue with it. If need be, I can stay a swinging single lady until September when it’s over. Not that long, and I’ll have the lifetime credential/memories of this amazing educational opportunity.
So with that, I guess it’s back to work. Because it is in line with a higher purpose after all, and not just the desire to succeed and not to fail.
No, it’s not finance’s fault…
It’s nobody’s fault (in Margaritaville) and maybe, I need to stop thinking it’s mine that I just haven’t met him yet.
Because he better beat being a single lady, accept my roaming from continent to continent, and want to have long walks and deep conversations, while still being a dude.
A toute a l’heure,