1. Holding myself to unreasonable, impossibly high standards as a way of un-identifying with myself, setting myself up as a judge, and always feeling like I’ve messed up. I’m human too, and I can’t expect to get things perfect the first time. I’m going to let myself learn and do my best, but not hate myself forever when things go wrong. Letting Go of not finding a job out of undergrad, not having the healthy lifestyle I feel like I should have, and messing up sometimes. Jeez, it’s not so bad after all.
2. Always feeling like I’m a failure because I don’t have everything in my life in place yet, and “punishing” myself so I don’t get to feel happy until I’ve achieved all my goals. It’s a journey, bro.
3. Worrying about the future in unproductive ways. There’s thinking ahead, and then there’s throwing yourself down into the pit.
4. Thinking I can “argue” away all my worries and fears, and freaking out and thinking my worries are well placed when they can’t be and getting lost in them and in that hazy worry anxiety unhappy fog because I can’t argue myself out of them. Sometimes, deep seated fears just can’t be argued with well, especially when you are in their grip, and really all you can do is let them go. See them from above, realize you are being ridiculus (phone a friend if necessary), and let it go.
5. The fears that I will never find love, a fulfilling job, or have a family. Letting these fears haunt me is getting in the way of enjoying life and isn’t helping me get there. Honestly, I am awesome. Someone great is going to want to marry me when I’m ready, and having a baby is a huge thing I am definitely not ready for and there’s no point in worrying about it until it happens. On the job front, I most certainly have credentials and great experiences and potential and being persuasive is a life and job skill. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a bunch of hot air, but that in itself is a skill and I’ve got a lot to offer besides a turn of phrase.
6. The belief that love requires suffering and sacrifice, and putting myself into situations where I feel like a “victim” or that my dreams of love are impossible. I realize this in great depth with Y, thank god for the fact that he is ridiculously grounded, patient, and awesome. Still like him a little, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t have to be willing to bet the farm on somebody I’m not totally sure about, I deserve to take the time I need to be happy in my own life first, and making myself suffer needlessly is not going to give me the love I need, now or ever.
7. Being ashamed of having emotions. Yes, there are times I am unreasonable, but those are often the times of my life. Good to find out I’m not a robot or in perfect control of my life, destiny, and feelings all the time. Thank God the universe, and my heart, is bigger than me. Yes, some of my emotions are small and kind of petty and under the surface, but there’s no need to feel ashamed when I feel something. It’s ok to flow with the river of life a bit.
(Well, there’s lucky number 7 but I’m on a roll here..)
8. Thinking that every guy I meet, date, and love has to be “The One” and that I have to met my future husband five days ago. No, I maybe don’t want to date somebody that’s completely long term incompatible (Though thank you Y for blowing away all my standards of compatibility based off background, at least for dating purposes, and making me remember that the essential is to find a good guy who loves me and I love him and is a mature healthy adult who can talk things through and wants to make it work). I’m always afraid that I’m going to lose my one shot at love or screw it up and there’s no one there for me, so sometimes I self sabotage to hasten the inevitable defeat and/or I just don’t want to risk getting close to anybody, especially somebody who might not fit all specifications which I’ve engineered to avoid ever dealing with conflict or being let down. I think I can and should approach dating as an adventure like any other, where I take intelligent risks and don’t ask “Are we there yet?” the whole time. [I thought I was a Ted, but I think I really am a Robin sometimes. I’m happy I’m not a Lily and Marshall. I feel like they settled down too early or they didn’t optimize their life path sometimes, but then I realize that for them they did the perfect thing and if I listen to my heart and be smart a little I’ll feel the same way too]. kind of goes with the not setting impossible standards and giving myself a chance to learn idea too.
9. Being mean to myself for no reason. There’s no need to fixate on my flaws, think about how I could have done better from soup to nuts, breakfast to dinner, birth to present day, and think I don’t deserve the good things in my life and someone else would live my life better. No, I am doing the best I can and enjoying it, too.
10. People that don’t actually like me and sometimes make me feel bad about myself, and not in a constructive way. I’m defining friendships by the amount of love and respect between us, and not time spent with them on a regular basis or years known. I do have some great close friends, though they are not always physically close. I had felt really bad about becoming distant from my college friends I ate dinner with every night for years, but in retrospect I think there are some things from that whole environmental eco system that were toxic and I guess the moment has mosly passed. I’m sad that some of my friends were more of proximity of affinity but now that I know myself better, I can create the stronger bonds i want and be true to myself to make lasting relationships.
11. Feeling like I’m all alone in the world and no one understands me. It’s just not true. Thank you, people reading my blog 😉
12. Being sad about not having a plan and feeling like I should know where I’ll be in 1, 5, 10 years, etc. It’s ok, I’m figuring it out, and the most important thing is to do NOW well.
13. Thinking there’s no more to me than being a nerd, thinking I’m not actually that smart or special after all, and that I have nothing of value to offer the world. Just not true. I am more than a nerd, I’m sure I have some talents I haven’t even discovered yet, and there are many things I enjoy besides French movies. I don’t need to warn people about how intellectual and cerebral I am, I’ll just let them figure it out for themselves. I really do myself a disservice when I let only one aspect of my personality define me, albeit a very strong one, especially when I’m open and will do a lot of fun new things that have nothing to do with being intellectual.