I feel like all my songs have been sung for Y, the guy who went back to Paris, at least for now. He taught me a lot of good things, but I can’t quite shake the feeling that he didn’t really get me or care somehow. He didn’t reassure me when I needed reassurance most, and I will never know if it was on purpose or he was just trying to be stoic and brave. And maybe he just had no reassurance to offer. He’s still an enigma to me, despite not really having an enigmatic personality he was a bit private, I think I can say. When I look at pictures, I can’t feel the warmth emanating from his heart that is how I perceived him most. What I know of him remains the same from the night we met- not aggresive in the least, nice, and charmant.
There’s another memory I remember much more vividly, from the not so recent past, though the time spent together was short though it seemed like a long and detailed story. I remember how I thought, man this is what it is supposed to feel like, but I still felt almost a weight on my chest- call it the wheel of destiny- and feeling like no, something is wrong. Maybe it was the timing, and maybe somehow I dodged a bullet even though not getting a chance to see how things went hurt much sharper and really felt like being robbed of what could have been real happiness. Trying to stay in touch was hard and complicated, and it seemed necessary to let things go. It still is- I don’t know much about his situation but that he’s not here for one, and he was attached the last I knew. Either way, I have to let things go- you can’t paln your emotional life, and who knows what your destiny will be.
The stories I tell myself about these two situations are interlinked, and how I tell one story seems to impact the interpretation of the other. Certainly the latter event has reshaped my understanding of the earlier one. I just keep trying to understand, and figure out what “the mother” or in this case, what my future husband’s characteristics will be like and where I should go looking and which dude was the better fit. But they both fit, for a time, and now neither of them do, at least at the moment.
Relationships are about growing together, but sometimes growth requires growing apart.
I can look at both situations and see something that didn’t get to blossom because the timing wasn’t right and I had to travel, or I can see two people, who I truly believe are good, who helped me grow and gave me great pleasure and joy in knowing, and loving. I don’t need to know how my love story “ends” to give these two characters resolution: all I need is the present moment, a sense of gratitude, and a little faith and trust.