Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

not a reopened wound. That’s the way I’m choosing to think about the guy that I fell for once, tried to stay in contact with, and now just got back in touch with who turns out to be going through a tough time and is still nuts over someone else he’s on break with. I told him how I feel- I accept his situation, value him as a friend, and wish him happiness, and still have feelings for him. All in the spirit of full disclosure and acting like a leading lady and not a best friend, and he said he can’t think about anybody else right now. I understand, and I’m happy to have him as a friend. Sometimes I feel like I just keep striking out in the relationship department and it’s all due to not using womanly wiles, traveling, being independent and honest etc, but I don’t think that’s the real thing that’s going on here. I believe God has other, and better plans for me.

But the way I’ve felt for this dude-

Whenever it happens, wherever it happens, for however long it happens, is a GIFT.  Enough to face rejection, more than difficult logistics, and just knowing that you’ve found someone so special, who really gets you, and seems to get it- it being all you hold dear.

This can be the story of me and the dude. It can be a tale of love and loss. It can be a story of “just haven’t met you yet.” It can be an episode of “how I met your mother.”

But the most important storyline is:

How I Became The Person I Am Proud to Be Today

a courageous, intelligent, witty, romantic, dreamy, sexy, crazy, spontaneous, ballsy, honest, vivacious, sweetheart. A woman of character, and of integrity. A fair lady who believes in love- and so loved herself first. A girl who loves herself enough to speak her truth. A girl who is not diminished by rejection, a girl who does actually provide her own self-validation. And a girl who is hopefully able to share her light with others.

I’ve told the story of how I met this dude and why I love(d) him (I will always love him as a friend) many times.  Tonight, for the first time, I told it to him. I think he needs to see that right now.  Not to be a selfless martyr or anything, but I don’t even care if it makes it love me. In a way, it f-ing should, because I am awesome, as previously discussed. It was some good story telling if I do say so myself. Add that to the list.

And blow me one last kiss. I am open to love, knowing I’ve given all of mine away and done the best I could. I am a champion, as my yoga teacher would say.  Not because I “won” his heart, but because I gave my own, the best way I knew how.  It was my pleasure. And I do believe that someday, I will meet someone who will do the same for me. And I have no doubt that even now, the dude I’ve been crushing on is doing the best he can for me even if it’s not what I wanted.

Peace be with you.

Love,

MJ

Advertisements