Well, I talked to my French boo and apparently he was sad to leave me, but he was just playing the cowboy since he doesn’t like showing sadness and didn’t want to distract me from my studies. I see no reason not to believe him, can’t say I’ve ever seen him wanting to be serious. A bit of a difference from me, in a good way ^_^ Amazing how a lack of communication or miscommunication can seem to ruin such a good thing. Ironic how only a year or two ago I would also have been circumspect about showing feelings and even a few weeks ago, I would have hesitated to speak up. I’m happy that things feel good again.
It’s good to feel independent, like you don’t need reassurance from anyone. I guess caring about someone, and letting yourself be cared for, does make you lose a little independence, does make you vulnerable. But that doesn’t mean you lose any inner strength. It doesn’t mean you can’t handle anything that comes your way- just that you care what happens, you aren’t living in robotic indifference. And it’s hard to let people know that yes, you actually need them a little bit. But maybe nobody’s a mind reader and if you care, you should care enough to give a little hint.
Also talking to a dude I fell for long ago and never really wanted to let go of, or the part of me that fell for him. He’s just not into me, and that’s okay. Probably better. At the moment, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him. And now I talk to him freely as a friend, more than I ever did when I was holding out on him.
So somehow my tensions seem to be melting away, resolved by let go and just asking. Not by ignorance, not by indifference, not by finding a new distraction or somebody perfect to validate me. Nope, just celebrating the love that’s already there.
I may not be in a relationship, but I’m not lonely. I may not have gotten the answers I thought I wanted, but I got all the love I needed 🙂 Without any binding, without contortions, without playing games, without being anything other than myself. I know I’m lovable, because I love myself and now open myself to love from others. Turns out they loved me already, after all.