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This word conjures up images of stability, duty, honor, sometimes comfort. Sometimes constriction, entrapment, impossible choices.

Sometimes, in the depths of my memory, it brings up promises made young and blindly, but sweetly and sincerely for all that. Promises broken, with good but dire consequences. Short term catastrophe, making way for true liberation, many wonderful adventures, and  a bit of loneliness and longing.

I saw a book in the store about being afraid of commitment. A friend had diagnosed me as such long ago, and in the book they talked about how people go consciously and consistently for wrong or unavailable people, make themselves unavailable or find faults when a committed relationship is actually within sight. Wow. A lot of things from the book really hit home, particularly the all-or-nothing and waiting for romantic fantasies to come true.  Not to mention, being indecisive, wanting to keep options open, and having difficulty committing in other areas of life too (aka having trouble picking a career path…)

I had a dream about having a baby and husband last night, just a random seemingly good guy I decided to marry to have a husband and a baby. My family was very supportive, but the situation didn’t bring the fulfillment I wanted. I ended up getting divorced and leaving the baby behind for the moment, or rather I forget what happened with the baby.  Woke up in the middle of it to my alarm clock, so I’ve had the dream floating with me all day.

When I actually think about the day to day realities of the things I say I want, like sharing all my personal space with someone, and having to always put a child before myself in order to be a good parent, it does seem a bit exhausting.  I thought about my desire to move to France, and if that’s just another way of postponing. I always wanted to have the right person to travel and do things worth before having a baby, and getting married not to settle down but to share everything with my love.

I read another book about how sometimes you just have to let things go and see how it all works out. you can’t solve your problems, you can’t fix people, you can’t save the world all by yourself, even if you are perfect.  You have to believe that God has a better surprise in store than anything you could have worked out on your own, and relax and trust in order to see the opportunities held out to you.

So, I hope that having greater consciousness of some of my patterns will help me to mend them, and let go and let God lead me down the right path to commit to. I can see that nothing really good or beautiful can be accomplished without a certain measure of commitment, without giving up other options.  I do love writing this blog, and I’ve kept it unstructured and somewhat chaotic, but it is time I could be spending on something else, and I haven’t gone running around creating random other blogs. I do think that writing in this reflective way is a good coping mechanism for me, a good method in the quest for wisdom, and does make me feel better by transforming life into a little bit of art.  I know I’m getting closer and closer to the self that will be ready to commit when the right opportunity comes, and will by the grace of God recognize it.

Love and peace be with you,

MJ

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