So about a month and a half ago, I unfriended my best female friend from college, M. We ate dinner together every night for three years, spent all our spare time together, were in the same sorority, had the same friends, etc. I don’t mean to suggest that we were ever the same person, just very close. I thought of her almost like my mother because she always wanted to be a therapist and had a nurturing, group-oriented personality.

Well, my existential, if not chemical, depression after college and the fact that I finished up early put distance and a bit of a strain on things, as did the fallout from the toxic relationship my friends were just tired of hearing about.  In a way I don’t blame them, and I think they did the best they knew how.  But I’m also just sad and disappointed that things just haven’t been anything close to the way they were. A friend I saw once a week or so still makes the time to check in with me and respond to my messages- my supposed best friends just don’t. And since M was always more of an extravert and we seemed closer, I was more disappointed in her and took it somewhat personally when she didn’t respond to my facebook messages or reciprocate my efforts to stay in touch.

I saw her where she was also teaching abroad and she wasn’t the person i remembered from college. She was on a special organicy diet and wouldn’t even share a glass of wine with me. I thought she would be understanding of how lonely I was abroad, and her circumstances were really different. Plus, she had a devoted boyfriend at home who talked her to offten and was literally waiting for her, and even a job lined up through a fellowship program. She said she just disconnected from the college scene and problem talk and taking care of people. Interestingly enough, she had severed ties with some people I had done the same with before but was reprimanded by the group for making things awkward. O well. I thought we would have so much in common from our experience, but it seemed to me she was on her own planet far away from me. I saw her recently with another friend I hadn’t been as close with and it seemed to me like she was still not really thinking of things outside of her own daily sphere. I guess I was out of sight out of mind, and I had confronted her abut it before and nothing changed.

So I defriended her. i hoped it would make it somehow easier to trust Y, the guy I dated in Paris, that he would keep in touch with me. I hoped it would make me feel better about myself that I had stopped waiting for her. I hoped she would notice, and reach out to me. I hoped that somehow it would resolve all the love and loss of a friend who was there to buy the morning after pill with me. I still can’t believe such a friend is so far out of my life.

If I have any kind of trust issue, I’d say this is it. It’s not her fault, maybe I just shoudl have recognized things had changed and been realistic. Maybe I should just realize there wasn’t enough lasting affinity to form a close but long distance friendship. I want to forgive her, and forgive myself for letting myself get rejected and seemingly more dramatic and even childish. I want to forgive myself for letting me get hurt, kid of like the way I feel I was in the bad relationshipish thing that was concurrent with the real onset of this friendship. Who knows.

I am sad. I have a happy and full life now. My best friend here has a boyfriend, and we see a bit less of each other now that we are back in Philly where her bf is near. Wow this is getting kind of specific. O well. I worry that all my friends will fade as they start their own families, and I’m just drifting around. I’m secretly afraid of a lot of things, not least of which is not having a close family of friends. I guess I should be grateful for having this kidn of fiend once, and just another opportunity to see the sun rise and set.

I wonder if resolving my feelings on this would resolve other things. I wonder if we actually would be friends like we were agian. Honestly, if it was like the last time I saw her, I wouldn’t really want to. She feels like a stranger to me, which makes it all the more puzzling when some people I knew half as long and no where near as intensely still feel like not a day has passed since I saw them.  It’s a strange strange thing.  Don’t really understand it. Sre, the world is transient but Ihoped at least female friendship was forever.

I know I will go on and make new friends, and hopefully in better alignment with who I am. It sems reasonable that college friends wouldn’t be totally reflective of the person I”ve grown into being, although I would have liked to have more similar values I guess when it comes to being in a reciprocal, caring friendship. Maybe some of the blame is on me for being negativity and turnitng to my friend when I was in need. I really don’t know. I just hope I feel better abot it, as selfish as that might send. And I hope she’s doing well, whatever she does.

I just sent her a message. I did call last week and leave a voicemeail, didn’t get a call back. But who knows. Hard to judge what’s going on in someone else’s life, and things can be tough. And everything changes I guess. Anyway, wish me luck in this.