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I’ve been talking a lot about letting go and letting God recently.  Been doing my best, trying quite hard at it.

I’m in business school, I’m in significant student debt, constantly being goaded to get to the next step, network, polish up the resume, do your homework, identify your target organization, etc. Envision, plan, strategize. Attack. Execute.

This is all well and good, but it does leave me with a sinking, guilty feeling because I don’t really have a plan. Well, I’d like to live abroad again, ideally in France, but beyond that I have a better idea of what I absolutely don’t want to do than what I do want to do. I feel like it’s the same for a lot of eople.

I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to make all that has come before, and all the work I’m doing now, really count in whatever my role will be upon completion of my program. I’m also pretty bummed sometimes because I really have to/want to focus on my career at this point. I can’t do much long range planning of where I’ll physically be, except to know that I’ll be doing short term study abroad just prior to completing the program. I’m in Philly for the next six months, and it does seem to be growing on me. There are a lot of hidden gems, I like my roommate, and it’s not as much of a downgrade or depression resulting from leaving Paris as i feared. It’s been a good lesson that I really could be happy anywhere.

Since before I started the program, all I’ve wanted is a definite and attainable goal I could throw my whole self into. I can fast, wait, and pray like Hesse’s Siddhartha. I can do a lot of things. I just have wanted to skip a few pages to know WHAT I will be doing, or even have a clear vision of what I want to do, so I can get there, so I can prepare. So I can plan, strategize, and execute. So I can just do it. I could, if only I knew what to do.

People say, God helps those who help themselves, and If you want to win the lottery, you have to buy a ticket. I’ve bought my tickets, and I’m putting in some work now. Well, I will be soon ideally since I have class tomorrow.

I often feel like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff. i have no idea what will await me when I make the leap. I feel like I am staring into the vastest unknown chasm. It terrifies me.

But it’s been a great day today anyway. Went to church, thinking I was late, and the mass time was a little later than expected. Had a nice conversation with the salespersonwho found some shoes in my size (score!). Had an awesome meal at Reading Terminal Market.  Saw all your likes for my previous post 😉

And as I was checking out Punk Rock Mommy Seeking Jesus‘ post on the ins and outs of motherhood, i found something that really resonated:  You are NOT “just” anything! You are talented and God has a plan for your life!”- Joyce Meyer Ministries

So yeah, maybe somebody else has got this. I just have to do my homework, take one step at a time. Maybe I don’t need a master plan, because something better is in store for me.

If you’re like me and stressed out about not knowing what’s coming next and not even knowing what you want nor how to get it, maybe you too can take a chill pill.

Life isn’t about making dreams come true. It’s not about fulfilling your expectations. It’s really all about enjoying the ride.

So many times, we try to have one foot on the ground as we gaze up at the stars, head in the clouds. Well, maybe if you see the beauty that is right here now, when you look up at those stars, you will realize that foot is not doing anything for you.

Yes, it’s important to plan a little and be prepared and do your best, but really whatever keeps those stars in the sky is what’s holding you up too.

Peace,

MJ

 

 

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