|There is in God (some say)|
|A deep, but dazzling darkness; As men here||50|
|Say it is late and dusky, because they|
|See not all clear;|
|O for that night! where I in him|
|Might live invisible and dim.|
| Henry Vaughan, Night. Also beloved author of Eternity: “I saw eternity the other night/ a ring of pure and endless light” (there is a Madeleine L’engle book of the same name which is how I found out about it).
There’s a pose in yoga where you stand as though looking off the edge of a cliff. I feel like that’s a pretty good exercise for practical life. And it’s time to dive or fly. It’s not to die to this self and become someone else. To be reborn into another life while still in this one.
The element of surprise is so important and charming. Who really wants things to go the way they planned all the time?(I have some friends who do…)
[Sometimes I just want to be settled, whatever that means. To not worry if things will work out the way I want them to, to know that I’ll have a happy life that follows all my dearest wishes. I just want to know there’s a happily ever after.
Well, now is happily ever after.
What is “ever after” anyway? Who is telling this story? If it’s me, I can have any ending I want, right?]If you want to go all metaphysical and metaphorical, it’s like the Hindu goddess Kali. It’s the (not evil) but dark side of the moon, Hecate. It’s wonderful and strange.
Somehow, the void is where it all begins. The womb must be empty to give life. There had to be something vast and endless and empty for the big bang to happen.
[Empty yourselves, and receive the word of God, the Bible says]
[There’s a part of myself, a place in this world I don’t want to lose in “settling” or becoming who I’m meant to be.]
It’s something that isn’t, yet, but holds all the possibility in the world. It is the foreign lands you haven’t heard of. It is the nickel on the sidewalk economists say shouldn’t be there (because in an ideal world there would be no opportunities wasted and no stones unturned).
Somehow, the end of history comes and goes. Rome is always burning. There are these cycles of creation and destruction, and the mystery that is the process.
it’s hard to be a person in process, something of a pilgrim in progress. But what would the pilgrim be, if he had reached his goal?
Truthfully, I don’t want the quest to end. I don’t want to “get there” and rest content and as good as dead. But even if I get there, I can stay nowhere, because nothing is permanent.
Everyone feels nostalgic for their youth and beauty and agility and freedom, but they forget the anguish and anxiety of being young, and floating in the wind. So many people try to cheat life of the unexpected twist in the road- all teenagers already have it “figured out” and some people actually do go on to live exactly the lives they imagined, and there’s nothing worng with that.
What is wrong, what is a denial of life, is not to welcome the stranger into your house. it is wrong to try to stop time, it is wrong to not embrace the deliciousness, the sweetness of not knowing what’s next.
It could bring good, and it could bring “bad,” but it will make each day like no other. No matter how many times this routine is repeated, no matter how ordinary the circle of the earth around the sun.
We can live in the ruins of broken dreams, or exist as dusty statues of a forgotten age like Ozymandias.
But this force cannot be escaped.
Life isn’t all light and reason and logic and Apollo. The creative force remains, untamed, untamable, wild and destructive but gentle, sacred yet ordinary, something we come across everyday.
Because, as we say in French, C’est la vie.
Sometimes I just want to be settled, whatever that means. To not worry if things will work out the way I want them to, to know that I’ll have a happy life that follows all my dearest wishes. I just want to know there’s a happily ever after.
Well, now is happily ever after.
What is “ever after” anyway? Who is telling this story? If it’s me, I can have any ending I want, right?