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It’s not often that I find myself without words or thoughts, just feelings that are clear and true and innocent. not the conditioned reactions of someone who thinks they should know it all before even having started playing the game, but the natural, organic reactions of a child, who doesn’t think about what she thinks about.

It’s not always “high romance,” it’s playful and light. There’s only right now- the future is too strange think about when you’ve let go to experience something beyond your control, something you never planned for yourself.

When I cry, I just cry. When I’m happen, I just smile. When I (love) feel close and warm and connected, I just cuddle. Or remember the cuddle from three thousandish miles away.

Right now, I feel delighted.

~

So my handsome stranger called! That is, the dude from Paris! Wasn’t sure if he was actually going to make the effort or if he was going to back off because I showed too many attached feelings and kind of nicely bawled him out for acting like it wasn’t such a big deal that I was leaving Paris. He said he would call and we’d stay in touch and not to dramaticize (me: “We may never see each other again! That’s the reality!”) and about a month went by, I missed him, I was ready to call him, having solicited advice from various quarters. I decided, tonight I’m going to call him.

And he called me, during class! (couldn’t talk obvs)

Funny how the universe works. I’m kind of afraid to jinx it.

So I don’t know what it means or where it’s going. Probably no farther than a catch up phone call- who knows when with the time difference, who knows what will happen.

But I am happy he called. That much I know.

Obviously I’ve found some words to express my happiness here, but I think it’s a curious thing, to be without words, no analysis, no mental chatter.

just the metacognition of observing my inner smile

and the great blessing of recognizing happiness when I felt it.

Love,

MJ

 

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