, , , , ,

“When someone is seeking,” said Siddartha, “It happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal. You, O worthy one, are perhaps indeed a seeker, for in striving towards your goal, you do not see many things that are under your nose.”
Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

For the bajillionth time, I will tell myself something that I already know. I know that one of my purposes on this earth is to be a teacher, that I prefer unstructured, intellectual, open environments and college campuses, and once again, that I have yet to figure out exactly what subject I will teach.  Granted, there are other things I want to “do” in life- be kind of diplomatic, have some big ideas converted into action, and have a “real” job, if nothing else to see what it’s like (and pay the bills), and most of all, not to be one of those teachers who has never been part of the “real” world of other adults, who lacks connection with the place the vast majority of their students will be entering.

I love dreaming up big things, but I also love really helping people. Like seeing past their flesh right into the heart of their problem, and telling some gentle, compassionate truth. Sharing the hard-won tidbit.  Knowing I have really changed someone’s life for the better. I know that makes me sound like a therapist, and I’m not about to go back to school for that, but to me, that is one of the things a teacher should do- help you be your self, and find your place in the world.

I used to think that teachers did really nothing but passively transmit mostly other people’s ideas, and manage repetitive procedures of learning. Now I see that most of mine really could have done anything else, and it was their soul that called them to the task. Not all, but most, were really happy with what they were doing.

So I’m a good few years away from it, and I have no idea what I could go back to school for without going crazy or broke. I’m not quite sure how I’ll find my way, and I would like to get a taste of something besides the ivory tower so to speak. But yes, today like many other days of business school, I will ask myself why I didn’t just stay a teacher. I know the answer even better than before now, and I hope that life will throw me a bone like the last time and provide a glimpse of hope like the last time I felt this way.

Funny how I go from hating school one minute to saying I want to be a teacher the next.

I just hope I have the courage not only to admit my feelings, but to act on them when and how the right opportunity presents itself.

I’ve been working on finding my passion and figuring out my career, but really it’s just a matter of being open to where I’ve already found it, not getting lost in the search.