At Wendy’s, eating my Baja salad, I started to cry. Real tears of emotion, of sadness, not of frustration. Someone in the store reminded me of my Parisian boo, speaking Arabic. [Note that he is not Arab but speaks Arabic, he’s pretty proud of his heritage.] was reading my French book that makes the subway rides pass too quickly. I was sad. And that stupid song, The Man That Can’t Be Moved was on, reminding me of “the corner of the street,” where we met, making me wonder if he ever went back there, if he ever thought of me. Obviously, I just miss him. Simply missed him, and very much. Engouh to cry, maybe not only for him but for my unknown future.
[Also interesting to note is that there were veiled African American women around my table, which kind of struck at the question of where our relationship would ever possibly “go.” Definitely have no interest in converting to Islam, his religion, and I doubt he’d convert to mine. Seeing them just kind of struck at my secret fears that he could never really be serious about me, or that he would change how he acted towards me if he was because he comes from a different culture and has different traditions. He is a super open and liberal person, loves his Heinekin and definitely doesn’t listen to a lot of the big “no no”s but who knows. ]
I’m not disappointed in him anymore, for trying to pretend like he cared less than he did to calm me down (because he is avowedly not into showing his serious emotions- what?!?! ). I realize that it’s not over between us, not really. He called a few days ago while I was in class but hasn’t tried since- I sent him an email with my schedule and he didn’t respond. Pretty sure I’ll eventually hear from him, when things work out with the time difference.
I still can’t really say why him, why he’s so special. I just liked him, and sometimes I wonder if it was/is love, if it will endure. Or if I or he will meet somebody else, someone more similar and more convenient. I wonder if he will take the grand romantic gesture of coming to see me, or if I’ll plan an escale in Paris en route to the next leg of my study trips. Who knows.
I’m waiting for something that he probably can’t give me now, isn’t ready to give me, but maybe someday will. I am crazy, though I’m focused on my studies and my professional success, so I don’t doubt my willingness to let my whole world change for love. I wouldn’t give up my family, or my religion, or my dreams, nor should anyone. But I think I could let real change happen, could let my world be rocked. I don’t really know if he’s the same, but he did essentially treat me like I was already his girlfriend, did say he’d stay in touch, did actually care though he knew I was leaving. It probably would have been harder if I’d known I would stay. I don’t know if I could have been so in the moment and appreciative of the little things, instead of being critical in worry over the big picture of whether we were actually suited to each other. I still can’t really say, but I do know I liked him and miss him, and I had feelings I haven’t had for a long time.
Despite all that, I am an independent woman in pursuit of my treasure, and I know even now, even crying in Wendy’s that I don’t need him to survive, and that maybe there could even be someone better. And that person, when he really chooses to arrive, better be ready to do and dare and move mountains for me. I deserve nothing less, and I would do nothing les myself. That person needs to have the courage to say I love you (hopefully first), and to show it in big and small ways. Nothing less will suffice.
So I’m waiting for my dude to call, again, le sigh, but I’m waiting for something else too. When I find that, I will say yes, once again, to destiny. I will let myself be swept by fate though i will never lose myself, I will let my dreams come true, I will ride into the sunset, I will live happily ever, and I will let myself rejoice. And I will pay the inevitable price of finding my happiness in someone’s arms. I will be vulnerable, I might change some plans. I will have to think about another person besides myself. I will love, knowing my heart could break, knowing that I could be disappointed and hurt. But whenever it happens, knowing that the price of enlightenment is never to see things the same way again and find myself forever altered, I will say yes- to life. And to love.