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I’m hoping all adult life isn’t like this. Say it isn’t so. I guess I’ll try not to be too dramatic.

Sometimes I have this feeling that who I am and what the world wants of me are very different things.

I want to be more organized, more conscientious, to care more about getting good grades and my school work, to be able to stick to some diet plan and write every morsel of food down, to want to wear a pretty dress and take the time to be coquettish yet professional every morning.

I’ve realized I’m jealous of every single one of my classmates in some way, yet I still feel arrogant. Case in point- French girl who speaks English as well as I wish I could speak French. Granted, our situations and opportunities in life were different but her skills are far superior. To be more like that friend that lost her 20 pounds of bar and baby fat and is so organized and involved at school and does everything well.  To be the kind of person that plans everything out, or like my other friend to be able to live and let lie and not feel freaked out when I don’t know where a relationship is going. To be one of the cool kids. To be thinner. To be better with numbers, an engineer or a financier. To have a real concrete skillset. To be able to put myself into one of the boxes.

I’m tired of guidance counselors who try to convince me of the need to be guided though I’ve come farther than they ever expected of me without their help or notice, yet still wanting their approval and encouragement. I’m tired of family members who think they know beter when they really don’t know anything they are talking about. I’m most of all tired of people who say life is a vale of sorrows and work is work and get used to it and sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to because life is like that. I’m tired of being tired of everyting.

I hate being tied to schedules, courses, assignments I don’t see much merit in that don’t leave me much freedom in a day. I hate how busy I am now. I think the reason I excelled and loved undergrad so much was because the majority of my day was up to me- I answered to no one and I got everything done in my own time. I despair a bit, nay not despair but I’m a bit afraid because it seems like most jobs aren’t like this.

In fact, it seems like most of this world is made for people who don’t like school, don’t like learning, don’t like thinking out of the box, don’t like living. It seems like most of this world is for people with limits, people don’t want to do or dare unless it’s for a buck or for their resume, people who go to college, get jobs, go to grad school, and get married. It seems like this life is for people who suppress their passions, emotions, anger. It seems like it goes better for people who repress and eventually forget their own truth. I would do much better in school if I would just let my brain fall asleep and just a tiny portion of all that is me execute my daily tasks.  I don’t want to be a robot though, and I’m tired (that’s one more) of wishing to be one.

I’m tired of longing for a life without interruptions, a life I can plan to the tee. But I’m more than anything tired of a life that is planned for me. I’m tired of spending large chunks of time sitting down going on facebook reading the times, listening to the instructor and learning nothing of real interest, wanting to want to pay more attention. I’m tired of realizing that all this grade stuff, beyond getting a b or a minus average, is a sham.  I’m tired of not really caring about what I’m learning besides the vague outline and intellectual curiosity and feeling guilty about being such a smart aleck about it. I’m tired of not knowing what I want to do with my life, yet I know I’m figuring out.

Goodness, I really don’t like structure, do I? I have a mixed relationship with it at best.

and lest I forget, I AM TIRED of doing everything in a group. Completely unable to do it on my own time, not even the slightest thing.

And I’m tired of knowing I’ve got debts to pay and jobs to find a life to lead. I’m tired of knowing I’ll probably eventually go back to be a college professor but I don’t like working with raw data so I’m not sure how that can be so.

I’m tired of feeling guilty about taking time for myself, about never allocating enough time for what I’m supposed to be doing, I’m tired of having stuff I’m supposed to do. I was so much freer as an itinerant English teacher, though there I was frustrated for want of a goal.

I’m not going to leave my program- I like it too much for that. I’m probably not even going to change my course that much, except to really listen to my heart when it comes to a job. I guess there comes a point, or so I hear, that you have to do things you really don’t want to to pay the bills. That I can accept , but I think a lot of the people who were saying that were too lazy and too scared to live any dream or do something that was rewardingly difficult.

I’m tired of being the dreamer in the group, the youngin, the smart but secretly crazy one. But I’m not. every group needs an inner rebel.

I’m tired of being around people who just don’t see the world my way sometimes.

I’m tired of myself, of my habitutal thought patterns and conditioned responses. I’m tired of doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I’m tired and sorry to use coping mechanisms and try to hide.

I’m tired of being such a perfectionist on the inside, I’m tired of this deep fear of failing. I’m tired sometimes of the need to excl too. I’m tired of knowing I”m just not quite in the right environment, though I’m an exceptional person.

I’m tired of writing somewhat whiny journal entires, not doing my work, and feeling guilty for it. I’m tired of knowing there are too many out there who probably agree with me on all these points. Ugh.

I’m tired of not being able to go to yoga because I have too much work, and thinking that yoga is inefficient at burning calories so I should do something else. I’m tired of the same old bad stressed candy bar habits.

Above all this, I’m tired of being tired, and not even knowing how to rst, and knowing if I rest, I might let a ball just too precious to drop go. So it’s only about 8, and I’ll power through. I’m sure it will all be fine, and I’ll feel better in the morning, or when I get a little something done, or when I eat.

Goodness, I need a little me time, or time with people I am not tired of.

Please help me!

But I’ll be fine.

Love,

MJs

 

 

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