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I like to think I’m a calm, sweet-tempered, even-keeled, go with the flow person.  I like to think I handle uncertainty a little better than other people, that if someone else were in my shoes, they would go crazy.  Or at least, I don’t let on if I’m crazy and try pretty hard not to let it impact other people…

Well, I really am crazy.

It’s amazing how anxiety can take even the sweetest, most anticipated happenstance events and turn them into a tsunami you desperately try to control. It’s the little things that create an earthquake at your core, and make you wonder if tomorrow will ever come. And amidst all the inner catastrophe, you still need to ask “Why?” Why is it hitting me this hard? Why is this happening now? And secretly, Why can’t I just stop caring about this?  I knew there’s some secret message from my soul encoded in all the catastrophe.

But, blessing of blessings, at least I recognize the avalanche now, instead of being buried under it. At least cataclysms aren’t an everyday event I’ve grown numb to, just expecting to expect them anymore.  The joys of growing older and wiser, I hope. Maybe more focused on myself, more confident.

And then the guy I have been sort of chasing for about a year and a half just hits me up and asks me how I’m doing and when I leave again.  And I can kind of read between the lines, because he seems a little sensitive among other things, that maybe he was thinking of seeing me again. Posibly for the last time before I hopefully move to Europe. This is the guy I dreamed of, everything I asked for, but still human, whose fragility I’m all too well acquainted with as a close but physically distant friend I haven’t seen since he kissed me goodbye, knowing we couldn’t possibly be together under the circumstances.

And then stupid Y, who I’m still kind of mad at for not being more open with me about his feelings and every slightly annoying thing he ever did.  He really hurt my feelings by not telling me in words how much he would miss me and acting indifferent because he thought I couldn’t handle myself and go on with my life otherwise. [Not to mention I had dreams of a friend being veiled so she couldn’t even see by her mother “for her own good”- Y happens to be Muslim btws] And I just randomly started crying about it and then felt a little sorry for myself yesterday.  Before the other guy decided to get in touch.

Pretty much neither guy is physically or possibly even emotionally available for a real relationship. I am so busy with schoolwork, and so consumed with anxiety over my future, and anguish over just everything that hurts, I don’t know if I really am either. I don’t know if I really want to meet somebody here in Philly and have to almost certainly leave them behind. My heart is so full, but I’m so lonely sometimes. I miss having someone to hold my hand and ask me how my day was and stroking my hair unbidden when he could tell I was upset.

That is Y, the guy from Paris who doesn’t speak English who was born in Algeria, the one I was actually kind of sort of in a relationship with who met my parents during his brief sojourn (planned before meeting me) to see a friend in the US over winter break.  The one I actually know well enough to be annoyed by, and to know that he is 1000% neater of a person than me.  He called this week, I was in class, he said he would call back.  I sent him my class schedule.

And then there’s C, we’ll call him, the guy I met and loved and lost all to quickly, not the right moment, but I really really thought he was the right person. We have a lot in common, I’ve known him for about 2 years and know ridiculous things about him, and he speaks English but no French. We have ridiculous things in common, from religion to politics to travel to just being the person that never feels far away no matter how long it’s been.

Mon dieu! It feels like archetypes colliding, different parts of myself from different times. I wonder if some third guy will come into the picture that’s the best of both worlds.  The truth is, depending on where I move after graduation, my life could take a totally different turn. I hope to see both of them again, and there’s really no way of comparing between the two, except that C was really just a dream, and a friend, while Y was a guy I dated for two months and now miss because there’s things to miss about being with him.  I’ve never idolized him to the same extent as C, and I don’t plan to start now, but he did call like he said he would.

So yeah, it’s not just about boy trouble or the potential for it. What if they both are into me? What if neither of them are (which feels more likely)? What if one or both come to visit, I guess that doesn’t mean I have to cut things off with the other if I’m not committed, but it’s so damn confusing! Woe is me!

I can see so clearly how my life can turn out SOOO differently depending on what happens in the next few months of looking for a job. And it’s not even entirely in my control, and there’s no linear path for the field I’m in either. So damn confusing.

I feel confident in my abilities and instincts, but I don’t know where they will lead me. I try, try, try to trust God, but i want to know I’m doing my share. And I don’t want to live with this anxiety, that makes me eat too much, can’t concentrate, be a bummer around people, try to distract myself, and always have that pit at the bottom of my stomache, and look, I’m getting a headache maybe.

This all probably wouldn’t hit me this hard if I had time to dream and reflect and relax, but I’ve got midterms and papers and reading and homework to do. And even with having enough time, it’s a matter of energy and concentration.

Youth- it’s exciting but nervewracking. I hope I can enjoy the ride, having a lot of skin in the game and really being alive. I just hope my worries for the future don’t cause me to neglect the present.

Breathe in, breathe out.

 

Namaste,

MJ

 

 

 

 

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