I am so mad at Y right now, and also hoping he calls tomorrow. A part of me wants to hang up over and over and say I’m busy and see if he calls back, wondering if playing the game will make him want to conquer me and help me regain my lost ground in the war of the sexes. Childish, right?
But the anger, I’m not as sure about. It’s not quite a Buddha or Jesus-like emotion, but I’m trying to figure out what it wants to tell me. I’m not sure if it means, “This guy will hurt you more, stay away from him,” or “You still care,” or “No, your prince hasn’t come yet,” or “He’s an annoying human being but I (love) him anyway.”
What I’m mad and saddest about isn’t really what I left behind, a budding relationship. That wasn’t ready or willing to go the distance. That is fine.
I’m sad about what might have been, sometimes. But I’m most sad about not knowing when it will come again, with him or anyone else. I love love, I want to protect and nourish it, and hide the flame from the wind, and catch the falling star and put it in my pocket and never let it fade away.
Because it might seem so easy, but it just doesn’t happen everyday. It might seem impossible or difficult, but goodness, the one thing I’ve learned about myself in the past few months is how much I do want to be in a relationship, even if right now it’s just not really possible or on my top priority list (JOB, preferably in FRANCE).
I don’t know whether I’m more disappointed in him because I’m angry and don’t know if it would have worked out (yeah it probably could have) or because he’s just not the one and I’m still waiting. Sometimes I just think I want to cut off all contact rather than just trying to wait and see, but that seems childish too. And maybe secretly he thinks I know he cares about me but I just really don’t.
I miss him the way I haven’t missed anybody in a long time, it makes me lonely to think about. Maybe this is where I should just smile because it happened instead of crying because it’s over.
Whatever way you look at it, I’m still waiting for something to happen here in my love life, even if it’s not now.
And whatever way you look at it, my life as it stands (tons of traveling and uncertainty) is just not really conducive to a serious relationship. I genuinely do want a relationship, but I want other things more. That’s not to say I wouldn’t try to make compromises or that it’s all or nothing- love or work. Just that, right now, I can’t say where I’ll be gainfully employed in 7 months and I know I plan to spend the summer on a continent where I don’t plan to live (Asia). International travel has its ups and downs.
I’m going to try to take all that I feel now, and the lessons I’ve learned, to make choices that will bring me real happiness in the future. That’s to say, to try to balance ambition and amore and everything else in life. [Everybody likes to say how much work is suffering and you just have to accept it, but that’s just resignation and being unwilling to change or challenge your current situation. Sometimes you just have to pay the bills, sure, but you at least have to TRY for what you really want before deciding it’s impossible and giving up.]
And if I’m honest with myself 99% of my stress comes not from worrying about where or how to live or who to spend my time with, but just not knowing when or if I’ll land satisfying employment. Because until I find that, I’m not sure if the other things can fall into place.
So maybe I shouldn’t be mad at Y, I should be mad at those stupid bankers that messed up the economy for everyone, or terrorists, or fate. And the feeling that deep down I’m somehow unloveable or there’s something wrong with me- that I won’t find love or work I love somehow.
But I will. You’ll see, I’ll see. I guess this is where a little faith in God comes in, and faith in myself. And acceptance that whether I can see it or not, this frustration in my life, like every joy in my life, is part of something greater.