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It will soon be what would have been the 8th anniversary of my first relationship, my first love.  It’s been about 4 and a half years after I broke up with him in the summer of 2008, after a 3 and a half year (actually short of the half year by 2 days) relationship. I didn’t realize we’ve been broken up now for longer than we were together. We don’t talk anymore, and both of us are happy and better. At the time we broke up, I was 19.  We had been together for more than ten percent of my short life and almost all of high school, as well as my first year of college.

He was my first kiss, and I was his.  He gave me 2 promise rings, and the second one had 5 diamonds growing in size, symbolizing that the love grew over time.

[There was a time I could recall every second we spent together when we first started dating.  Then they sort of all blended together. Then we broke up, and for a while I forgot everything but why we were wrong for each other.  Then I gradually started to remember the good things. And now, I don’t want the little things- like the way he smelled, or the color of his eyes- to slip away]

Wow, that’s enough numbers.  But I hate to say it, the math does add things up.

I have not been in a committed, well-defined relationship since.

It’s not his fault I’m still single. Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault.  But as Jimmy Buffett says, it’s nobody’s fault.

~

After being in a major relationship at a young age, and getting out of a major relationship at a young age- I say this because I’m so old and wise now- I was afraid to lose myself in the wrong person.  [Ironically, right after we broke up, I did kind of get lost in the wrong person entirely, just because he had good taste in movies, but that’s another story- one that doesn’t bring any remnant of a smile just pride that it’s over.]

I also don’t like to fail, or to do things wrong, or make mistakes. After all that storm and stress, I kind of wanted the next time I got into a serious relationship like that to be the last time. And after being in a serious relationship like that, I never really consciously wanted to be single.  So it’s been a bit of a bumpy ride.

Not to mention I think I know everything about relationships, and I still think my relationship was a bigger deal than most people in my peer group at the advanced age of 24 have been in.  I feel like I know how to be in a relationship and know how to make it work.

I’ve also been single now for longer than I was in a couple, and I’d say I know how to make that work. Even though I get lonely, and I’m always pining over something, not much gets past me. I am an awesome adventuresome celibataire (single lady, not celibate).

I can say I’ve hit most of my bucket list items.  And I have every reason I’ll get to do the rest of them, which include the Pyramids, Greece, Istanbul, Central Europe backpacking (Prague!), financial comfort through a fulfilling career,

falling in love, getting married, having a baby or preferably 2ish.

So for some of these things, I’m going to need a man.

Even though, per se, I’m an independent woman and I don’t need a man.

But I do think if it was the right one, I’d be happier.  Probably much happier.

~

So let’s get down to business (to defeat the Huns…Yeah Mulan girl power!)

I am single because I decided that the right guy for me would have a lot of characteristics in common with my family, since family is forever and opposites attract but similarity stays or whatever it is they say. I thought it was possibly about the cultural/socioeconomic/movie taste mix. And finding somebody that eharmony would match me with.  And basically finding someone who was to me what my parents were to each other (that is, ridiculously similar)

I met a guy kinda sorta like that.  It was clear the moment was not right- I was moving to France, and he lived far anyway.  Of course I decided to fall in love with him, pour my heart out, ask him to go the distance, and he did not.  Ironically I’m facebook chatting with him now. We’re friends. Last time I checked he was in love with someone that wasn’t me, and I was a little less impressed with him. Yup, still the case.

And then last semester when I was in France, I loved again, almost by accident. a real person I was in what probably would have been a real relationship with had I not been leaving in a few months.  He and I didn’t have much in common background wise, but we enjoyed being together. He annoyed me. He really hurt me when he was being dumb and hyper masculine and didn’t make a big romantic deal out of me leaving.

He called though, I was busy. I’ve been waiting for him to call back, and wondering if I should tell him not to call me again, since.  Just to kill hope, because hope is exhausting, and he is imperfect.

So basically, I want to fall in love, but know from the beginning it’s likely to last, absolve myself of blame from any potential failure by picking “the right person,” and only want guys who are unavailable- in large part because I am literally moving away from them!

I say I’m brave for loving even though it’s likely to fail, but without knowing it was pretty much impossible, would I have gotten myself into the position to fall in love at all?

They call it falling for a reason.

I’m afraid of heights. Well, actually I was, until I had to do a high ropes course for this leadership seminar and ziplined from 40 feet because I’m a badass. But anyway, back to the story…

So, I want to fall in love, and I want to be in a serious, committed, long term relationship. I want to know it will be a success from the outset, I don’t want any conflict or potential source of tension in the relationship- just 100% compatibility.

I only want love that can overcome all obstacles- without significantly changing my plans.

I want to be independent, invulnerable, and know he loves me more and will never leave me. I want him to make the first move, and the second, and every move except when I feel like it. I never want to feel emotionally exposed unless there’s 100% security.

So how do I create the conditions for this ideal relationship? I pursue guys who are unavailable, who even in the unlikely case of success would literally be at a “comfortable” distance that would prevent someone from being part of my everyday life.

So obviously, I haven’t embarked on my life path just to make it impossible to find guys I really like and keep them! Though it sometimes seems to be the case.

Apparently a lot of people who travel say you always meet somebody not long before it’s time to leave.  And maybe I had some growing up to do, and things I wanted to do for myself subconsciously before I met the right person.

Besides, everything in your life has to be perfect, and you have to be your best self, and you have to suffer and climb every mountain before you find the right person, right?

Honestly, I can’t say the answer to this, but I’m going with NO!!!

Not only because not every person I know who is in a relationship is self actualized and well-adjusted, but because, if I’m waiting for perfection…

I’M NEVER GOING TO GET THERE!!!

and neither are you.

I’m still working on loving myself first- and I probably will be for the rest of my life.

There are a lot of reasons why I am single. Not least of which is that I am still figuring out my life, and there was a somewhat hidden part of me that wanted to do it without anyone’s “interference,” because in some ways, as a 16 year old, I didn’t develop as much as I would have otherwise because I was in a relationship. I watched way too many karate movies.

But I’m still here, and I never really went anywhere.  My relationship didn’t kill my independent self- otherwise I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Which, frankly, I’m pretty proud of.

There are some things in my life that I want to change, but I don’t hate myself, and I usually even like me.

I can say, without a doubt, that I would stand up for myself if someone tried to treat me wrong. And I have.

And thankfully, for the most part, those boys aren’t so bad after all.  Or maybe I just have some sense, or people around me to help, or dumb luck.

I think I’ve got someOne helping me though.

~

“Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal. You, O worthy one, are perhaps indeed a seeker, for in striving towards your goal, you do not see many things that are under your nose.”
Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

I’ve tried very hard to predict what love will look like, and I don’t think that’s helping either.

So I’m going to start by keeping in touch with these dudes, even though they are annoying. They will teach me about myself, at the least, and I actually like talking to them. So it shouldn’t be too much hard work.  And if I meet someone I like, maybe I’ll go meet him for coffee sometime.

I’m going to accept the fact that I am human, and the man I marry will be, too.

I’m going to try to be the best me, yes, always, but also just to be happy with me at this moment the way someone who loves me will be.

I can’t solve the mystery of why i’m single. Sure, I’ve lent a hand, but there’s also a little fate involved. Which often seems like a really frustrating and inconvenient truth to my ego mind which always wants to control everything, but it’s probably for the best.

And whatever happens, I won’t lose my crazy.  That ridiculousness that laughs for no reason and dances in my chair and just puts odd things together and writes this blog. No, I think being with a guy will actually accentuate it, in a good way. My crazy will protect me.

~

So, to review, I’m still single because I got a little gun shy, commitment phobic, perfectionistic, and preferred my fantasies to something that could stand the light of day, and leave the toilet seat (IT’S MY APARTMENT, SHOULD I EVEN HAVE TO ASK?- II won’t, because I’m leaving anyway and I don’t care that much) up.

And I’ve been travelling, doing me like a g, having amazing adventures, developing great friendships, finding my passions, laying the foundation for a fulfilling career, self reflecting, and just generally being my awesome self.

To everything its time and season. It’s a mystery.

They say it happens when you least expect it.

I’ll let you know 🙂

Love and Amities,

MJ

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