I feel terrible, I feel so overwhelmed. I guess I have reason to be- there’s a lot of schoolwork on my plate. But I’m also procrastinating. Then again, I’m crying in the shower. And I went to a meditation group at my yoga school today and even that didn’t seem to help. I don’t know why i feel this awful.
Part of it is certainly the whole not knowing my future thing. I do miss Y, the guy I was dating in Paris, but I feel like my reaction is a little bit out of proportion. He said he’d call soon after calling me early last week, and he hasn’t yet. Sure, I don’t know exactly what his situation is, but to me, soon means a few days. And I had been beginning to wonder if he’d ever call me. Now I just feel so disappointed in him and like he never cared about me. I know this is ridiculous, he came to meet my family, he was in pretty close contact since meeting me. I used to be able to feel the goodness and kindness coming off of him in waves but now I can’t. I’m afraid I loved him more, with love being of course a relative word, and I don’t know when I’ll meet someone again. I’m also afraid no one is just ever going to love me.
He’s not even that important anyway. We dated for two months. All this neuroticism isn’t love, it’s just craziness, thinking too much. I think.
I have started a bit of a self improvement regimen, if only by going to yoga and trying to slightly decrease my sweet intake. This has just made me feel conscious of how much more I could do and makes me feel weak and lazy for not doing it. Kind of like how I feel about sitting here writing this instead of doing my homework, which honestly I’m pretty sure I’m capable of doing, scared to find I might not be, but just feel like doing it still, even though I hate myself for not doing it. I’m not even sure of what I might wat to do instead, but I just don’t feel like it.
Sure, maybe this seems like a little bit of depression. I tend to think it’s of a more existential kind- like just going through a stressful period, questioning the whole why the hell am I doing this and feeling like it’s empty, and just having stuff aggravate a lot of my fears.
Sometimes I just want to email Y and tell him not to bother to call me. I wonder if he’s going to call me on V Day- I had told him not to honey baby me anymore so I guess probably not. He probably doesn’t care enough. I just feel like I’m falling into a familiar trip, thinking I’ve gone and let myself care too much again, and I’ll just never find anybody who gets me and thinks I’m loveable that I want to be in a relationship with. I’m also just depressed at the thought of doing some kind of regular MBA job where I’m working all the time and don’t know why and can’t have normal friendships and relationships because I’m always on the road. I would put that up pretty high on my fears list. Also just the finding a job in general thing. A part of me thinks that no one will ever hire me or appreciate what I do.
I’m not going to give up, I’m goign to see it through, but I’m just not feeling it. It also just seems impossible that I would get a job in France, which is what I really want. What do I really want anyway? It was never a 9 to 5 job, that was always going to be a means to an end until I had enough experience to do something more autonomous. Or, if I worked for the right person, who praised me to the skies and gave me the impression I was always learning somethng and getting better, it would probably be fine.
If I had a crystal ball, maybe it would make times like this a little better. Or maybe it would just give my life the impression of a forced march.
I’m having trouble telling dreams from fantasies right now, and it’s frustrating. No, they aren’t the same thing.
I guess everybody feels this way sometimes, and you’re supposed to just power through it.
But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t ask why, and right now, I just want to rebel a little bit. And then do all my homework in a panicked frenzy asking what’s wrong with me, why didn’t I do it before.
I don’t know, I just need to feel better. I need to get real. And I want to be happy.