So, as I was forced to see the truth of who I am and what I really want from life, crushed under my own dumb despair, I realized some things. First, that I am more passionate about learning and exploring the world than anything else, except helping people. Second, instead of trying to find a profession that fits me and worrying about being out of place, I am going to do something I truly want to do, and enjoy breaking the mold. And third, there is no way to get through any day without hope and trust in God. There just isn’t. You can have all the self-confidence in the world, but unless you are delusional, you have to admit that so much is out of your control. Life doesn’t have to make sense, but you have to make something of it. And that is what I’m going to do.
I’m still very tired, but just admitting the truth and getting the answers I wanted, even if they didn’t tilt in the way that I hoped or expected or was maybe kind of trying to force, or thought they “should,” be, is a huge huge weight off my chest. Things feel like they are flowing again. I’m not so afraid of the future, feel better about myself, and know that I will find meaning and purpose in this stage of my life.
And you know what, I’m not mad.
I miss him. I hope he calls me. I kind of hope he acknowledges Valentines Day even though I guess I might have chase him off.
I would call him myself, but he said he would. I wish it would have been sooner, but everything happens for a reason, and I was in the pit of anguish and despair anyway.
I can’t say I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I would be interested maybe in dating someone else. But goodness, do I miss him.
And now it makes me smile, because I’m so incredibly lucky.